G'day, A.J. Mahari here um are you somebody who's been with somebody with bpd and whether it's over
or the relationship has ended but you're not sure it's over share in the comments below if you would
um if you want to share you know think out loud so to speak or if you have some understanding
that you could share with others why do you think it is that you you know if if this is the
case for you because it is for so many people why do you think you still have so much hope
about that person with bpd maybe someday coming back understanding apologizing
maybe it could somehow work out like this this hope as many people refer to it still who are
a bpd ex i it can be a more recent experience or breakup it can be a longer term time and people
aren't getting into their own healing and recovery journeys right so um i'm out here to work with you
if i resonate with you of course but the thing is so what how do you conceptualize if this is true
for you why you still have hope if you're aware that you still have hope if you're aware that you
just can't let go if you feel like you just well you feel and think and believe that you can't
accept the breakup that it can't be over that it has to come back around that you need to recycle
it that you need to get back together that somehow you you know it's just what's should happen
a lot of people are in this area this territory emotionally and so i just thought i would talk
about it a little bit and and ask these questions um and and ask for you know people to comment
and share their experience because i think that so there there's a a large group of people
who maybe it's a shorter time frame right now uh maybe the relationship you don't even know if it's
over over because it might be off right now so there's all these different scenarios but so
many people are really in a place where they are aware they want the person with bpd back
in spite of everything that's happened in spite of the pain they're in
they just want that person back so there's that and that people describe that as having hope
or sometimes they say i wish or if only but a lot of people express it as hope is it false
hope or does it it doesn't qualify do you think is it really and how you feel may certainly
you might say yes it's hope it's really hope but is it more false hope so there are people that
are really aware of that there are people that have recycled the relationship with the same bpd
partner on and off and on and on many many times and they're still like if it if they're in the off
place right now then there's a lot of people that are really you know expecting it to pick up again
and they'll hear from this person again or they'll be able to contact them and they'll get
a response and then there's another wide group of people who the relationship you know is over
people start to maybe try to heal from that maybe get into therapy
but then there's the rumination that continues and and it is much stronger for some than others
and the stronger the rumination and the more people are obsessed
with the bpdx the more that means you're not done the more that means you really do want them back
so whether people always are aware of that or conscious of that not not necessarily in this
other group right as opposed to the people that know i want that person back and i have
this hope and i can't let go and i can't feel no contact and by the way when people say i can't
you're following your feelings right people with codependency you're following your feelings but
when you say you can't it's because you won't and then what's at the bottom of that is about control
feeling out of control feeling in control and i think for a lot of people with codependency all
of this is about still aborting self wanting the bpd back having the hope or thinking that you're
like i have clients that are working through bpd relationship breakups and they really feel
strongly that they know intellectually what what the emotions are doing to be a whole
different story that they really know that now that wasn't good for me that that i'm in so much
pain now that was really painful i don't want that again in my life and yet often they will
be in a place of exploration when when we're in a session and they will say
but you know if i got an uber today or tomorrow i really don't know what i would do
so i guess this is the dilemma and the ongoing conundrum for people with codependency especially
more significantly severely this i can't go no contact i don't feel ready to go i don't
which is really i don't want to um i want the person back no i don't think i want them back
i get that it's over but i can't stop thinking about them and if they were to hoover me well i
i don't know so some of that can be the latter of what i just said some of that can be uh part
of the process in healing and recovery i've been working with clients for 31 years and so i often
see clients that that you know as they're moving through the beginning of the healing
wondering about if they were hoovered again would they go back but not necessarily saying
i know i would some say i might then there's a phase in early in recovery that i'm working with
clients where a lot of people are worried about um but if he or she hoovered me i'm
not really sure what i do i don't know i would want to not reply to that but i'm not sure so
and that's that that can be a moving through that phase of recovery and many people will
continue beyond that as i work with clients and they won't either they won't get hoovered
often there's stealth reverse hoover of social media going on for a lot of people
and then they're trying to stop doing that or they're working toward that or they have a goal
they want to but again they're struggling with that and i wonder you know like th this can have
some things to do with no closure but it's not just a no closure because i think more importantly
what a lot of people with codependency need to look at and think about more is
yeah is it over have you radically accepted that do you still have this hope or
false hope and what does it mean for you and it's about you know for people with codependency
it's largely among other things however you still feel or think think and or feel about
the bpdx or the you're not sure if it's over or you're in some you know off and on again recycling
that's been going on in some people's cases for years then what people with codependency need
to think more about and why i say that one step action step you need to take is getting therapy
is the fact that you know why why are you still because this is all still for people
with codependency what i've been talking about here it's all still avoidance of self it's all
still putting self last and the thoughts about the borderline or the rumination or the obsession
or the on and off nature just waiting for the next contact and there is a deficit
for people with codependency after these relationships and the bpd relationship
triggers the codependency because many so so the deficit is really just just this
codependent reality of i want to be with this person i want to get back with the person i'm not
sure but you know and all of this conjecture and all this like cognitive and emotional dissonance
that there's the deficit is a lack of harm reduction for self a lack of
internal locus of focus a lack of self-care a lack of self-care in the sense that you're not you're
not caring about yourself you're still putting everything about the person with bpd ahead of that
in the way that codependents will in the repetition cycle of externalizing out needs
so you're still hoping that that person with bpd that it could work out that they'll come back that
if you've got hubert even if you're in recovery that you know maybe it could happen again or
they'll finally get it they'll wake up somehow magically in in months or whatever and they'll
come back and apologize to you and then that would be that would be the desire for it to start again
so what so the question for you today is if any of this resonates with you in any way or
you're confused about it all wherever you are on the journey of whether the
relationship is totally over or you're you know you're just post bpd relationship breakup however
it ended or you've been out of the relationship for a while you're in the recycling phase or
you've been out of the relationship for you know six months a year or longer but did all these you
know the thoughts the rumination the hope that i can't do this i can't do no contact um people with
codependency unable and this is why you need therapy to help you heal from the relationship
or if you're if you're still in this really confused place i have a lot of clients that
come to me in the really confused place that i'm not judging by any means that then we can just
start talking about it we can start processing it we can start looking at a lot of variables
and when people explore things that way you know it's really important and a lot of why
people with codependency i mean just a big piece of it but not the whole enchilada so to speak
are really hurting after these relationships there's like i said a plethora of reasons
but because people with codependency are still carrying the woundedness
of not being seen and hurt not feeling seen and heard and really in the sum total of the
relationship with somebody with untreated bpd not really going to get feeling yes the initial
idealization mirroring the bpd people-pleasing phase and them telling you that you're the
greatest thing since i spread and that feels so good of course that emotional voracious hunger
that people's codependency have to be seen and heard so you know people get these breakups these
on all these situations i've mentioned already happen but but people of codependency who are in
therapy and who aren't trying to work out all this confusion and loss of self and the pain
of everything are still being driven by in an unconscious way this desire to have you know to
to just continue in your co-repentance for lack of a better way to put it
that you are inhabited patterns of repetition compulsion cycles and codependency there's a
little overlap there to bpd as well not saying it's the same but there's the overlap part again
and you're not even thinking enough about the agony you're in you're aware of that but you're
not doing anything to get yourself out of that pain and suffering so there's the healing recovery
journey which needs to happen for people in therapy and starting that journey but there's also
just and in that process and or right now ask yourself this question in spite of all of the
hurt and the pain the confusion and the loss of yourself why are you still wanting them back
what what is that about what are you needing that you need to get into therapy to figure out
and secondly that you need to learn that whatever those needs are about primarily except for like
obviously one of physical intimacy that you need to be able to meet those needs for yourself
and even the latter for a while if need be because if people don't if there's a bpd
relationship break up and you have codependency and 90 of people with borderlines do have
uh significance to severe codependency if you just go on and think you can just get over it
and go on chances are you're going to meet the next person with dpd or maybe somebody with npd
so what do you think about this if it resonates with you are you somewhere in this you're
certainly not beyond it all right so different territory as the way i've described it here but
what do you think and if you want to share your experience in the comment section or where you're
at or what you think about this because people don't realize sometimes the real meaning of words
like if you're trying to go no contact no you're not because trying isn't doing tr you know uh
to go no contact you have to set an intention set a goal and take action regardless of how you feel
and i'm not saying that's easy it's very difficult so what is the hope what is the maybe false hope
what is the on and off recycling what is the i can't go what what is keeping so many people
in harm's way and and what do you think about that because i'll say this much
it's definitely because people with codependency are still aborting themselves totally and
and this is where people with codependency after the relationship break up or the on and off or the
recycling or wherever it is can really be adding to their own suffering so i don't know what people
will think of that but it's it's it's pretty devastating for people to be in these positions
and i guess what i'm just trying to say in this video is what does that really mean for you
and why are you not why but do you understand the nature of how you're stuck and how that's
increasing your pain as many many people just want to blame blame the borderline for everything
and yeah there's probably a lot that they were responsible for that they can't own right now but
avoidance of self in codependency is so strong that people you know the the unh the trauma bond
reality just because you haven't seen a borderline or had or heard from them for two or three years
or six months or eight months or two months or two weeks uh the trauma bonds aren't broken
and people continue to increase their own suffering by avoiding cell in codependency
and still focusing on what the borderline did or didn't do or both but still focusing on that
person like in so many ways it's just the language the expressions the i can't do this i'm trying to
do that the i can't accept it's over uh i need it back i want them back it's all about wanting
the person that you thought they were back and so what's driving that for you because if you don't
look at you if you don't get into therapy and again i'll just remind people i'm out here to
work with you if you resonate with me if you you're just you're just spinning your wheels and
and don't you deserve better than that like are you not in enough pain people really are right
why don't you let that pain motivate you to want to take care of yourself to want to do something
take an action to start working through the pain instead of continuing to experience it
and thinking that closure uh the seeking of closure is still you're not finished you want to
try again maybe in an unconscious way you're not consciously aware of that so are you blocked or
would you rephrase that and say no i'm not blocked i just want him or her back and what about you you