Fame and fortune isn't always dignified, and People's Choice awards don't pay the bills.
Sometimes, a celebrity has to slum it a little, whether it's for a big paycheck, to fulfill
a contract they didn't read, or simply for lack of anything better to do.
"I LOVE PACHINKO!"
And that doesn't even take Shaq into account.
The former NBA All-Star is in so many weird, terrible, and weirdly terrible commercials,
we could probably do a whole video just for him.
C'mon, Shaq.
Go take a nap.
*bonk* "Hahah."
Simply put, cataloging all of the bizarre celebrity endorsements out there would take
all day.
So in the interests of time, here are just a few of our favorite bizarre celebrity product
endorsements.
Malcolm McDowell's Lunchables
Lunchables are a processed collection of food for children whose parents have too much money
and not enough love.
Malcolm McDowell is a classically-trained actor known for his role in the pornographic
film Caligula.
Clearly the ad guys running the Kraft Food account saw a connection between these two
that the rest of us can only guess at.
But the result was pure magic.
"Sick party, Chad.
I'm mad jelly.
Cut!
Why am I angry gelatin?"
Why Malcolm McDowell chose to embrace Lunchables' weird campaign is anyone's guess, but his
participation in at least twelve different TV shows, films, and video games in 2016 alone
may indicate a distinct inability to say "no."
"It's…
It's…
Do you know what 'hashtag' means?"
"I'm a Shakespearan-trained actor."
"You know what, it doesn't matter."
After all, you don't earn a net worth of $70 million without doing a few things you regret.
It's just hard to tell which was most regrettable: this scene from his 1973 film O!
Lucky Man:
"Ahhh!!"
...or selling overly-preserved lunchmeats to children by making fun of old people.
"You know it, brochaho.
Try Lunchables' Uploaded, Taco Walking."
"Um, it's actually Walking Taco."
Probably a toss-up there.
Jamie Lee Curtis' Activia
If you're going to do a commercial about how difficult it is for you to use the bathroom,
you at least need to make sure it isn't your most visible role in years.
Otherwise, you'll just get some pretty rough nicknames.
Jamie Lee Curtis has disappeared from the spotlight for years at a time, only showing
her face to promote Activia: a yogurt designed to aid digestion.
Unfortunately for Curtis, her questionable commercials were ripe for parody.
"I've eaten over 16 Activia yogurts today, and plan to eat at least four more, poop my
pants, as an older woman, proud of it!"
Were those lost months just spent on the toilet?
There's no shame in having digestive problems, but when they become your new identity, it
might be time to find a new one.
Jeff Foxworthy's Golden Corral
It's your God-given American right to dip your heat-lamp-warmed meats into the cheesy
spit-trough that is Golden Corral's fondue fountain.
And Jeff Foxworthy desperately needs you to know this.
Drawing a connection between being a US citizen with the ability to overeat until both your
belt and heart burst wouldn't seem like a selling point to most sensible people…
"Introducing the Golden Bill of Rights, only in America and only at Golden Corral!"
...but some folks would rather die with a deep-fried corncob in their mouths than to
be told what to do.
"You're working hard to put food on your family."
If you're working hard to put food on your family, then look no further than the Golden
Corral, proud citizen.
Paris Hilton's spicy BBQ burger
Speaking of food that will kill you, Carl's Jr. is another restaurant that takes pride
in asking you to make bad decisions by testing the limits of your American freedoms.
When professional blonde person Paris Hilton began appearing in the burger chain's commercials,
some of her spots were deemed "too sexy" by critics.
Naturally, that didn't stop the well-known whatever-she-is from appearing in commercials
for the brand in both 2005 and coming back for more in 2014.
Soapy cars, sexual arousal, and hot beef…what more could you ask for?
That's basically the Bill of Rights right there.
Brad Pitt's Chanel No. 5
Commercials for scents are, as a rule, over-the-top terrible and filmed like the worst French
indie flicks.
But Brad Pitt's stab at Chanel takes the cake for the worst of all time, hitting every cliche
dead-on.
Black and white?
Check.
Feels like someone trapped in an unending, ghoulish nightmare?
Check.
Ninth-grade-poetry-level word-salad narration?
Total check.
"The world turns and we turn with it.
Plans disappear, dreams take over."
Chanel calls the 2012 commercial a "film," and even released it in two parts, because
it's just that important.
Fabio's I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!
It's hard to trust any food that's spelled with an exclamation point, and harder still
when that food is promoted by a mush-mouthed romance novel cover model.
But somehow, the ridiculousness of Fabio combined with bootleg butter made for a memorable,
if not slightly cringey, mid-'90s ad campaign.
"I can't believe it's not bottur!"
Well, we can't believe you got work that needed you to actually say words.
Bizarre as it was, it was pretty successful.
But was it intentionally stupid, or did the ad producers genuinely think that this was
a great idea?
Did Fabio really not believe it wasn't butter?
Either way, it was still better than...this:
"Turn the tub around, talkin' bout nutrition."
Wrestlers love cereal
Professional wrestling is maligned enough without its top performers associating themselves
with questionable products.
John Cena managed to set the sport back decades when he appeared in commercials for Fruity
Pebbles.
"Five knuckle shuffle them IN YOUR FACE!"
He declared himself the captain of "Team Fruity."
It was all part of the ongoing civil war between Pebbles' Fruity and Cocoa varieties.
It's not clear how much money it took for Cena to ascend to the heights of Team Fruity,
but it probably should've been more.
At least he was in good company:
"I've invented a way to deliver Fruity Pebbles anywhere with the Shaqapault!"
Of course, wrestlers demonstrating their affinity for sugary cereal didn't start with Cena.
Far from it!
Behold Andre the Giant's love of Honeycomb:
"A giant!"
"A hungry giant!"
"Hungry for big honey taste!"
But no other tag-team partnership with breakfast cereal can compare to the Hulkster's love
for a wimpy little honey-bee.
Before Hulk Hogan's life became a reality show and a sad running joke, he redefined
the WWF with his over-the-top personality.
And it's on full display in his classic 1980s Honey Nut Cheerios commercial.
'Hey, bee, no way a little dude like you is going to change my ways!"
Hogan's surreal overacting with a cartoon bee is probably the height of stupid celebrity
endorsements.
Still, there's no doubt that the Hulkster would love to return to those glory days.
That way he might not need to appear in Japanese air conditioning commercials.
"Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday comes again!"
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