Soren: It's not magic.
Michael: It's ostensibly magic. I mean I can't explain it. You can't explain it.
No, I think I could, generally speaking
Okay. Fine. All right. Pretend I'm a medieval peasant and
explain this to me
Uhhh, yeah, okay. Uh, let's see. Umm
Hail, Traveler
Hail?
What is that joke? Me bleedin' legs are rotted off from sitting here in this disease gutter
Oh boy!
Disease gutter?
Yes
And I have just the thing to help you pass the time while you sit there
Behold the cellular phone
-Hold on, bruhv, my ear's around here somewheres. Let me find it so I can hear ya!
Right off the bat
I feel like you're pitching this to the wrong guy
Okay, this allows you to talk to anyone
anywhere! It can also help you look up the cure to....
I want to say leprosy?
Syphilis. Is that not reading?
No, sure
Okay, it's a way for everyone in the world to be interconnected on the same device with no cord
Wait, you need a cord to charge the battery. Okay, a battery is, it's like a power source that uses... Nickel?
Electrons?
Right, I'm with you so far
Really?
Okay, so there are these
invisible wavelengths that come from satellites- Nope
Towers? You know I can't remember which. Maybe it's easier if I just start with two dots and work outward. Uh, there's a *stuttering*
You know what? Look, there are some precious metals inside just break it open with a rock
See magic!
Basically just another medieval peasant with a glass brick. We'd end up sharing the same disease gutter mixing up our noses in no time.
Hey!
You know what could be fun? Knowing only what you know now currently and with your skill sets
What point in history would you time travel to to use those abilities to become rich and famous?
*Futuristic Music*
Huh
Well, this is humiliating
Really? Not one of us is an expert in
anything useful?
Not?
No, I go to the wild west- No! Earlier
Colonial times and sell them cures for diseases.
What makes you think you could cure a disease?
Not cure disease. Sell them cures for diseases
You know, mix a bunch of sh*t in a bottle and hock it
Soren: Oh, a snake oil salesman
Well sure, if they had had snakes back then, Soren. The point is I'm privy to 200 years of scams
And all these plymouth rock rubes are green to it.
So what happens when none of your cures work?
They would kill you
Would they though? Did you know there was a doctor in the early
1900's who claimed he could sure impotence by sewing goat testicles into your body.
Not connecting them to veins.
Not even like
putting them where testicles should be
*Whispers* The scrotum!
But just like, shoving them in there wherever they'd fit
I mean this dude got rich! Cause everyone either too embarrassed or dead to complain.
I can do that! And if the heat ever came down I just roam from town to town you know drifting
scrounging for food. A grifter, drifter, occasional sifter
It's not like they have some roaming legal force that goes between the
colonies. They couldn't even keep track of an entire population that disappeared
Okay, so you're saying that if somebody gave you a time machine the first thing that you would think of is how to
kill naive people for profit.
Convincing them to kill themselves. Yeah, well
I haven't worked out all the details, but alright. Well, if you don't like that the point is there's a whole universe of
pyramid schemes, and short cons, and timeshares, and Nigerian Princes out there to keep me in the money
I just have to keep changing up my hustle
Okay! Well, I prefer not to make my money by hustling my ancestors, so I'm going to the age of discovery
Bon voyage
Wait! But you don't know how to sail, but do you know how to sail?
Of course you know how to sail you f*cker
I don't actually but I don't need to. Because in the age
of discovery there were still huge parts of the world that as far as Europe was concerned were just completely dark
They didn't know much about the Pacific. Or they're still kind of hazy on North and South America too
I wouldn't even have to be able to draw that well
to like bang out a sketch of the Asian coast and be like: "Hey,
You see that little island right there? That's Japan!
They're lousy with silver, and they don't know how to sail. You can get there by hugging this little pokey, bit called Argentina
Tradewinds, Straits of Magellan- Straits of Soren, Etc
You'd need royalty to fund your expeditions, though
You really think you could time travel then immediately get an audience with a king or a queen
I wouldn't need it. Back then rudder journals were worth more than gold to pilots
I wouldn't even have to step on a boat. I could sell those things out of bars and brothels and when my maps start checking out
and all these boats are coming back filled with goods. I'd be knighted in no time. All thanks to middle school geography
*Gasps*
Maybe I'd invent the Panama Canal
Yeah, but eventually they'd be curious as to why you knew so much about the world and absolutely nothing about boats
That's too much like sorcery they burn you at the stake with me.
Woah!
Woah! What?
You didn't even
do yours yet. Come on. Let us tear it down together.
You guys realize that this isn't a great game for me, right?
Sure, because...
It's the short hair, right? It's the? The dyed hair. You can't travel with dyed...
Is the time travel like an upper-body thing?
It might be yeah the strength is it?
Okay, so for me to be successful
I would have to introduce people to an idea that they've never heard of before and when women do that history has a way of
either stealing the idea from them or
being convinced that it's black magic and then murdering them. I mean time travel is just
exclusively a white guy fantasy
No, come on
Not always. I mean you, you could go to the renaissance and shock them-
Witch. I would be a witch.
Or the height of the Roman Empire. Introduce aqueducts.
Witch. Witch. I would be a witch again. Yeah, sorry
Okay?
Modern history
1920s right before the stock market crashes you could-
What?
'Kay it wouldn't be like a witch in the 20s
but it's still kind of iffy for an autonomously wealthy female inventor.
Jesus!
No, definitely not Jesus's time
I mean 1 AD is terrible for women. There were a lot of throwing rocks in those ancient deserts
Okay, fine, so when, in history, was it safe for a woman to invent something extraordinary?
1981
Yeah, and then I would just, I don't know, like write Grease 2 and live a modest life
I don't know, this game sucks!
Wait a minute. That's actually a pretty good point
What do we all know better than anyone else around right now in our world?
I know she talks about it a lot, but I haven't seen either Grease.
No! Pop culture. We all have so many
movies, and songs, and stories, memorized verbatim all we need to do is write them down before they existed and boom
we're famous and Katie, history is
kind-
-er
to woman
entertainers
I don't think pop culture is that simple though. Like you couldn't just randomly go back and carve Fast and the Furious into a
stone tablet and expect ancient Assyrians to worship you. I mean let's be honest the 90s wasn't even ready for that movie
Just pick any of your favorite things that you know really well and go to that time, right?
The fairy tales before the Brothers Grimm or
the National Anthem. Pick your favorite book by your favorite author and just write it before they got a chance-
We could be Shakespeare!
Come on. Nobody has Shakespeare memorized
*Quoting Shakespeare*
*Gasps*
Et tu, Brute?
Theater kid for life
I don't know, Daniel
I mean your way ensures that the real
Shakespeare never exists, that the real talent is lost to history and all we have is your half-remembered copy
So?
F*ck Shakespeare! History doesn't even know if he didn't steal half those plays. I could steal half those plays. I can steal all those plays!
I could be The Bard, kind of
Or, you know
Either of you could be The Bard. Not you, Soren. You could write The Saint, I guess
Oh!
I get to kiss Elisabeth Shue!
No you wouldn't
You don't get to be the Saint
Okay, fine. How far back I have to go to be the Saint?
It's not a true story. You know that right?
I mean even if it was you know Elisabeth Shue wouldn't be playing herself
Oh, you know what, I have the recipe for cold fusion memorized, so forget it. I'm rich already
Soren, what are you doing? Dude you're really
encroaching on my persona
I don't like this
Daniel: Yeah! Michael is the cold fusion guy of our group
Michael: Everyone has always known that!
Daniel: Do your cold fusion formula, Michael
Michael: Yeah! Here you go
Katie: Op, we all gotta get up
Soren: Oh there it is!
Michael: You can see- You can see it
Soren: Well that all makes a lot of sense!
Michael: This coalescing ball of energy that- while the credits roll.
Hey, everybody thank you for watching that video!
You can always like it, subscribe
You can subscribe by clicking the "C" in the middle of screen you can also watch more videos over here in the rail
You can smash that bell if you want to see more of our videos as they come up
This is a chocolate silk pie that I insisted on when I wrote this script
it was the only thing I put in the across the page and
Boy, is it delicious!