(musical burst)
- I am sick and tired of bad cops
getting all the publicity in this country.
There are a ton of good cops out there, doing a great job,
gettin' nothing.
- What did you have in mind?
(hip hop music)
- I have got two rookie dicks that I want you to document.
- [Man] Detectives?
- Dicks, yeah, that's what we call them.
- [Man] Well, why rookies?
- I tell you why, they're handsome as hell.
- Alright Chief, if we, sorry,
if we do this, we're gonna take it serious.
I wanna see good detectives doing good work.
So it's gonna be no bullshit, no red tape,
an unflinching look into every cavity.
- I'm with ya.
And in that regard, these two are perfect for us.
Wait till you meet them, (laughs) one's a chick.
- [Woman] So where exactly was the painting?
- Detective, do you need to be in my bed?
- Sh sh sh sh.
Trust the process.
Johnnie does her best dick work when's he's on her back,
focused, and on point.
So now when you say above the bed, do you mean
above the bed?
- [Victim] There's only one above the bed.
- Alright, Kitty, that.
- Hold on, something's happening.
- Detective, could you maybe take your shoes off
before standing on my bed?
- I had a hunch and I need to scratch it.
- Itch? - Yeah, itch, you mean.
- Kitty, right now your main objective is sound.
Are we getting clear sound? - Yeah.
- Are their mics showing?
Is your boom in the shot?
- Not yet.
- That's the totality of your world, okay?
Nope, that is always on them, buddy.
Always, okay?
Miss Deportes, what's going on?
- What's going on is I had a very valuable painting stolen
last night and these two haven't asked me
a goddamn single fucking question.
- Well, to be fair, I asked her where the painting was.
- Is her serious? - No ma'am he's not,
and so it's just this way.
- So where exactly was the painting?
- (laughs) Good one, Johnnie.
- What the fuck? - I don't know.
(hip hop music)
- There she is, boys, Penguino at Party.
- [Girl] Aren't there girls on this team?
- Yeah I know, June, it's just a figure of speech.
- How'd you find this painting?
- I just cross-checked every painting sold in the last five
with every artist that had done a residency in the Arctic
and cross-checked that with actual paintings
on various search engines, including, but not limited to,
the words penguin, penguino, and flightless sea bird,
then reduced the search area from country to region
to city to street, here we are, easy like Sunday morning.
- Wow. - Wow.
- Alright guys, so what's the deal?
Oh come on, dogs, how are we gonna get over now when there,
wait, what why are there so many dogs!
- That's a lot of dogs. - This is like a--
- Not a dog lover, huh? - Why would you say a sick
thing like that, you son of a bitch?
- Relax, relax, okay, I'll take care of them.
- Gonna kill 'em with your bare hands?
- No, I'm gonna take care of them.
Like I'm gonna distract them with food, alarm?
- And there's the rub.
That house is full of expensive art, so it's wired.
The more serious issue is you can't access
the system from the outside.
- So there's no way they're cops?
Let's just smash and grab right now.
- June, you're a genius, let's go!
- No, no, no, no, not so fast, not so fast.
You trip it you've got six seconds to disarm,
otherwise an ultrasonic whistle turns
those hounds into maneaters.
- Oh God, I just sharted.
- The lady of the house arms it as soon as she leaves
and as soon as she comes home.
So we're gonna need a man on the inside.
- How deep inside?
- All the way in, I'm afraid.
- He was charming, a little bit weird.
He kept doing this call and response thing
while we were making out.
- I hate it when guys do that, it's so weird, right?
- [Victim] Right.
- I find being super agreeable helps break the ice
and gets them on your side.
Detective work.
- So, do you think that this man stole
the painting in question?
- Well, I don't see how, I mean,
we were practically glued to each other sexually.
And if it was someone else, the dogs would have gone
like DEFCON 5 on them.
- Unless there was some kind of distraction.
- I just meant that T-bones are a big cliche.
- Well yeah.
But there's a reason why they're cliche.
It's because they work.
- What about lamb?
Come on, dogs love lamb.
And it's grassfed, so it's a healthier option,
better for the dogs, better for the environment.
- Did you bring lamb with you?
- No. - No.
(upbeat music)
(laughing)
- [Man] Tell me I'm good looking.
- [Victim] Yes, you are.
- [Man] No, no I wanna hear you say it.
- I'm good-looking. - No no, I, I'm a good lover.
- You are a great. - Yeah you are a good lover.
- [Man] You're a good lover. (laughing)
- [Victim] You're gonna tip me, I like it.
I'm waiting, come on. - Yeah right!
Wait, wait, whoa where are you taking me?
- [Victim] I am taking you, on this way
because we are going to watch Netflix and chill.
- We are going...
- [Man] Why are we going in the bedroom?
(laughing)
- Oh my God! Oh fuck!
I can't, what are you doing?
(Laughing)
(Laughing) Oh God!
You're fucking crazy.
Stop, stop, stop. - Yeah, what, what?
- Sorry, sorry. - What, what?
- This just kind of feels like it's a bit--
- Oh you mean the age difference?
Nah, it doesn't bother me at all.
I mean look at all the successful older women,
younger men relationships, Demi and Ashton, John--
- Lights off. - Yeah, (laughs) oh yeah!
(Laughing)
- We made brief, but wonderful love, and then,
that's all I kind of remember, you know?
- I don't buy it.
Are you even telling the truth?
- Yeah, I'm gonna kill you.
- Oh shit, oh my God!
(yelling)
- Turn that fucking camera off now!
- Why? This is gold!
(yelling)
- Everybody calm down!
Guys, how about we just take a break, take a break huh?
- You got this.
- If we're gonna solve this case, or any case,
we need to work together.
- He's right. - You're right.
- I'm right.
- Just make sure Randy doesn't look at me, okay?
Or talk, just make sure he doesn't talk.
- That's fine.
- Or the camera.
Or the witnesses for that matter, because he's just...
Fuck, I need five!
- We boned.
- Miss Deportes, I can assure you that we will find
the geniuses who did this,
and we will make them pay with their lives.
- Fuck yeah. - Aw Jesus.
- Damn right.
- Okay, take five.
- There are only two dogs. - Hey!
- What, what's wrong?
- I just witnessed one of the more disturbing
sexual interactions of my life, so I need a bath.
- What are you guys still doing here, where's the car?
- Where's your car, Anders?
- I Ubered with Michelle Deportes.
- Oh really, we took a Lyft.
- What? - Yeah, whose car were
we supposed to take?
- Don't look at me, I'm eight.
- Guys it's fine, I just booked an Uber.
It's gonna be here in 12 minutes.
- Uber XL? - Pool.
- Idiot, only two people per pickup at Pool,
otherwise they make you get a van.
- Boss ain't gonna like this. - Fuck!
- Anderson? Anderson?
- I've got an idea, run.
- Guys no, no I can't leave, the cancellation
window's closed, and my star rating's gonna go down.
This is not my job.
(upbeat music)