-Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "The Tonight Show,"everybody.
Thank you for being here. [ Cheers and applause ]
"The Tonight Show," and you're here, you're watching.
Well, let's get to some news.
Guys, I saw that United Airlines has instructed its flight crew
not to use duct tape when dealing with unruly passengers.
Don't use it.
Yep.
Flight attendants heard and were like,
"Okay, Tasers it is, okay."
That's right -- United isn't allowed to use duct tape,
while passengers on Frontier Airlines
will now be wheeled onboard like Hannibal Lecter.
And that's...
Yeah, according to the memo,
United is against using duct tape
unless it's holding up one of their engines.
That's where they draw the line, and no more than that, yeah.
Some more business news.
I read that Carnival Cruise is experiencing a bacon shortage.
[ Audience "Oohs" ]
[ Laughter ]
When passengers found out, they immediately started
inflating lifeboats and jumping overboard.
They're like...
I don't want to say it's anarchy, but within 15 minutes,
a passenger with eight strips of bacon was screaming,
"I am the captain now."
And you go, "Okay."
Speaking of food, I saw that Little Caesars
just introduced their new Crazy Calzony.
Here it is. Look at this.
It looks like a deep-dish pizza
hooked up with a Fidget Spinner.
Yeah, it's in the shape of a cross.
It's almost like they're saying,
"If you eat this, may God be with you."
Yeah. Well, get this -- Home Depot just announced
that they sold out of their early release
of Halloween decor almost immediately.
People got so desperate, they just started
grabbing anything that was orange --
pumpkins, lights, Home Depot employees.
They're like, "Hey, put me down."
I read that more and more hotels are starting to charge
small fees for things like early check-in and using the pool
so that they can lower the overall rate on your room.
Yeah. They're now charging you for little things
that you've always had but never paid extra for.
For instance, they charge $10 for a key card
that works the first time and then never again.
You go... -Beep.
-Does red mean we're good? Yeah.
Then they charge $9 to use a bedside outlet
that your phone's charging cord just doesn't reach.
It's like...
Eh, put it on the floor.
How dirty could a hotel floor be?
And, finally, they charge $3 to stand naked in the shower
trying to figure out the hot-and-cold knobs.
-Aah!
-Hey, this is fun.
I saw that a Monopoly-themed restaurant called The Top Hat
just opened in London.
Yeah, It's insulting when you walk in, and they're like,
"We're just going to go ahead and seat you
over on the Baltic Avenue table."
I'm at least St. Charles Place.
Yeah, it's the only restaurant where the meal
takes eight hours and ends with someone flipping the table.
Well, this isn't good.
Last night at Disney's Hall of Presidents,
the Abraham Lincoln robot was having some trouble.
Watch this. This is real.
-That this nation under God
shall have a new birth of freedom.
[ Laughter ]
-Uh-oh.
-When staffers couldn't fix it, they just changed
the name to Hall of Presidential Colonoscopies.
And it's -- They made it work.
Hey, I saw that a new study found
that cuddling with a dog is good for your health.
Yeah, some people called it interesting,
while Snoop Dogg called it the best pickup line ever.
And, finally, a tissue used by soccer star Lionel Messi
during the press conference where he announced
that he was leaving Barcelona is being sold for $1 million.
You know we're living in troubled times
when someone pays a million dollars
for a used tissue during a pandemic.
[ Cheers and applause ]
We have a great show, everybody, tonight!
Give it up for The Roots! Come on.
-♪ Get up ♪
Ha-ha!
Ha-ha-ahh!
Hey.
♪♪
-What a show, what a show, what a show we have for you tonight.
He stars in the new movie "The Protégé."
The one-and-only Michael Keaton is here!
-Come on. [ Cheers and applause ]
Come on! -I love Michael Keaton.
-He's the best. God bless him.
-Were you there when he hosted "SNL"?
-Yeah. -That was one of the best --
-He was so good. -Gosh, he's just brilliant, man.
He's a great actor, but so funny, too.
-Yeah. -I just love him. Anyway...
Plus, she's a judge on "America's Got Talent,"
airing Tuesdays and Wednesdays on NBC.
Heidi Klum is joining us! -Yeah!
[ Cheers and applause ] I love Heidi Klum.
-Come on!
-There's almost too much love coming out from me tonight.
-Really? -I love everyone.
I love you, I love you, I love you,
I love The Roots, I love... [ Cheers and applause ]
...Michael Keaton, I love Heidi Klum,
but I love our musical guest tonight.
I absolutely -- This is my --
He's -- All my money is on Vince Staples.
This is the guy -- [ Cheers and applause ]
He's my favorite new rapper.
It's awesome. His album is fantastic.
Every single track is awesome.
But he's going to perform live tonight for you guys.
-Whoa! -Featuring Fousheé.
Fousheé is here, as well.
Vince Staples right there, ladies and gentlemen.
[ Cheers and applause ]
That's my guy. -That's the dude.
-That's my dude right there, Vince Staples. Yep.
I'm telling you, if you don't know, you better know now.
-Yeah.
-Then, a little later in the show, we've got an all-new
"Freestylin' with The Roots," everybody.
It's going to be fun. [ Cheers and applause ]
That's right.
-Cannot wait! -Yeah.
Have you -- have you heard -- You guys heard about
that there's a new Trump book that's coming out.
Apparently, Bob Woodward just announced the name
of his new tell-all book.
It's the third in a trilogy. It's called "Peril."
But it turns out Woodward considered
a few other titles first.
-Oh, here we go!
-Tariq, what's up?
-Let me guess, you're going to make fun of Trump
by saying a bunch of fake book titles.
-I mean, yeah, that was the plan.
-And each title will pop up as a graphic
so everyone can see it and "laugh about it."
-Right. That's usually what I do for a living.
I take the news and "turn it into jokes."
-Even I know exactly how this will go down.
So, the screen -- it will have a picture of Trump,
and it will say, "Books about Trump."
And then, under that, you'll list fake titles, like...
-Yeah. -Or...
-Yeah.
-And then you'll do -- I don't know...
-Yeah.
-Or "1984 (Which is Actually His Blood Pressure)".
And then you'll do one about his time in office called...
And then you'll do -- I don't know...
and, finally, "Mopey Dick" or something.
[ Cheers and applause ]
That's pretty much how this is going to go, isn't it?
-Yeah, you nailed it. -Well, that's a fun bit.
You should do it. -Alright.
We'll do it tomorrow. Cool. [ Cheers and applause ]