"I don't want to say the word Armageddon, but
is but it's borderline Armageddon." That's
William Hanson, a manners expert from the
United Kingdom, imagining a world without
etiquette — "That is, a world without rules.
It would be complete chaos." While this
doesn't describe the world we live in
today, there are some indicators that
attention to courtesy is in decline.
Nearly three-quarters of Americans
surveyed think manners and behavior have
deteriorated in the United States in the
past few decades. Soom in on behavior at
the dinner table — things like texting or
browsing the internet while you're
having a meal with someone — it's becoming
more common, and more than half of those
surveyed are not okay with this.
It's not just a Western concern: Japan
recently deployed an etiquette squad to
revive politeness. South Korea has laws
that govern online etiquette. One Russian
blogger even asked his country to
examine its rude behavior for the sake
of the nation's survival. Seems alarming!
Are things really that serious?
Surely human civilization is strong
enough to withstand any supposed that
harm caused by a handful of disparaging
comments or elbows on the table. I asked
William and Eater's executive editor
Helen Rosner to help me figure this out.
While we focus on behavior around meals,
the ideas themselves apply across pretty
much all social interactions. "The root of
all manners and etiquette and all of
politeness is making sure that your
experience is not infringing on someone
else's experience. It's about efficiency.
It keeps things more pleasant." At the
dinner table, this includes practical
rules like putting your napkin on your
lap and not chewing with your mouth open.
"The reason we shouldn't chew with your
mouth open is not because it's not fun
or it's not easy but because it's kind
of gross for someone else to see the
food that's in your mouth." As for this
seemingly outdated silverware set up,
according to Helen even this has a
practical purpose. "If people are
constantly leaning over and adding more
silverware, it adds time, it adds a lot of
clattering noise, it becomes really
intrusive to the flow of my experience
at the table if I'm having conversations
with the people as I'm sitting here."
But let's say you've never touched a salad
fork in your life. Being in the situation
for the first time can be overwhelming.
"I don't know about you but I've
ever been able to figure which goes with
what!" In cases like this, Helen has some
advice. "Always go from the outside in."
But if you forget that or you're confronted
with a completely different situation
for which you are not prepared, "You can always
ask, and if you don't feel comfortable
asking you just wait and see what
everybody else does." This is a very
practical take on etiquette's role today,
but for William, etiquette takes on a
greater significance.
"If we didn't have etiquette, people would not
be experiencing the full flavor and
taste and designed impact of whatever
dish or menu they were sitting down
to eat." I asked him if there's something
beautiful or elevated about old-school
traditions around meals. "They are, I suppose,
in some way an art form. If some chef
has slaved over your meal and
thought in great depth about the menu
creation, where the ingredients are coming from, how to
cook it, how to present it, you owe it to him
to eat it in a nice way rather than wolf it
down." From this perspective the diner
isn't simply eating for sustenance. She or
he is a spectator and even a participant
in a performance. "It's showing respect to the
chef by saying this is special to me.
This experience is special.
I'm not dressing up because you are too
great to see me in my casual clothes,
I'm getting dressed up because it makes
me feel like I'm having an experience
that isn't my everyday experience."
There's something to this:
studies have shown that when we
ritualize our meals, they taste better,
and an action as simple as taking the time
to unwrap and break up a bar of
chocolate rather than diving straight
into the whole slab has been shown to
increase a person's enjoyment of their
snack. But when rituals are strictly
enforced, "There are times when it can
start to feel really oppressive." For as
long as manners have existed, the rules
that went along with them were usually a
pretty clear way to indicate who is an
in-group or who isn't an out-group. Think
Downton Abbey. "Is this an Irish tradition?"
"What?" "She means not changing." In this scene,
a lower-class character who married into
the family was snubbed for rejecting
traditional customs. "You should buy a
Downtown wardrobe and leave it here. That way
you won't have to pack when you come."
"I'm sorry but I'm afraid I can't turn
into somebody else just to please you."
"That's a pity." "The rules of etiquette
inevitably wind up being
taken to a fairly absurd place. The
institutional imperative just takes over."
This is when people forget the
overarching goal of making everyone
comfortable. "It becomes about the rules
themselves and it almost becomes the
game."
Another thing to consider is that table
rituals vary across the world. In America
you switch hands after cutting off a
piece of food; in Europe you don't. "In
strict Thai etiquette, Thai food is eaten
with a fork and spoon, but unlike American
food where we put our forks directly in
our mouths all the time, with Thai food,
if you're going to be really strict
about it, you should never put your fork
in your mouth. You should use your fork
to put food into your spoon." So in a
diverse place like the United States, how
do we reconcile all these rivaling ways
to eat in a "civil manner"?
"It's all about cross-cultural awareness,
really. You behave according to the
situation you are in."
According to William's school of thought,
if you don't know, do your homework.
"A lot of it is on the internet so ignorance is no
excuse."
While Helen on the other hand says that
people from different backgrounds can
collide and there can be room for
mishaps without dire consequences.
"I don't think anybody, at least not for a
hundred years, has gotten into trouble or
messed up their life by using the wrong
fork. The only thing that's ruder than
having bad table manners is calling
someone out on having bad table manners.
As long as you're not being an a**hole, you're doing
better than ninety-nine percent of
people on earth.