- Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of Spectrum.
For this episode we're so excited
to be partnering up with AARP.
- That's right.
AARP is actually contributing
one of the prompts in this episode
where we ask the parents
do you expect your kids to take care of you in the future?
- Ooh. - Mhm.
- So this is something I'm actually talking
to my mom about already.
So we hope this episode encouraged you guys
to start the dialogue as well.
- That's right.
Make sure you stick around
to the end where we're gonna share more about AARP.
But for now, enjoy this episode of Spectrum.
- I was valedictorian of my junior high
and my dad said, "(scoffs) It's only junior high."
Getting a B was like getting an F.
You know, the Asian F.
(upbeat music)
(bell dings lightly)
- [Jason] I am happy with whatever career my child chooses.
Three, two, one, go.
- I agree, yes. (wind screeches)
(bell dings lightly)
- I'm a bartender and obviously Asian parents
they don't think, "oh, my kid will be a bartender one day."
That's why I'll be happy with whatever she chooses.
As long as she's not hurting herself or others
and she has a stable career, then that's fine with me.
- I agree.
- I guess I disagree
because I believe he will make mistakes.
He'll get jobs that he doesn't like
but I don't think I'll be happy with whatever he does.
Like if he becomes a drug dealer or
(lady in black laughs) (man in suit laughs)
if he just pursues what he likes
without thinking about that impact on others,
I think that's not good enough for me.
Even if he's happy.
I believe he has to pursue something that's right.
Not just right for him.
- Yeah, I did tell her after college
you can do whatever you like.
And she find a job right away in the office,
very nice and nine to five.
After a couple months she said, "Mom, that's not my life!"
And she just quit the job and she's feeling she's happy now.
So I'm support her and least she try.
- I think if my children are not happy and not successful
then I'm failing somewhere as a parent.
So it's very important for me to support them
in whatever they want to be in their lives.
- I want them to be able to like move forward from a job.
I don't want them to be complacent
or just like this is good enough
when I know they are capable of doing more.
- But I think some people are fine just being here
and that's okay.
They don't wanna look for that next step.
I didn't wanna go to college at all
but my parents wanted me to go to college
so I went to college.
I graduated in theater and journalism.
I could have done something with either one of those
but I was like five months pregnant when I graduated.
So I didn't even get time to start my career.
- But don't you think that
if you have a certain qualification,
you can always go back to it?
- I mean, yeah I could. - If you want to do theater
or journalism later in life?
- Yeah, I could,
but if I was to work in the field that I graduated with,
I would not be happy.
Like I just already know it and what's the point?
I'm just living like a robot doing the same thing over
and over again to make, again, to make my parents happy.
(bell dings lightly)
- [Jason] I consider myself a tiger parent.
Three, two, one, go.
(footsteps scattering)
(wind screeches)
(bell dings lightly)
- When I was growing up,
I was valedictorian of my junior high
and my dad said, "(scoffs) It's only junior high."
Getting a B was like getting an F.
You know, the Asian F.
Okay, if he gets an F, yeah that's bad.
But a B is not an F.
And my mom, she was always pushing me to be a doctor.
So I knew growing up the one thing I didn't want to be was
I never wanted to be a doctor
and I'm going to be more lenient
because I know if I push him too hard,
it's going to backfire like it backfired on my parents.
- My expectations was for them
to go to college at a minimum.
And that's one thing I always stressed.
At least I would try to provide tutoring if they needed it.
I didn't expect them to come home straight A's
or things like that as long as
I knew they were doing the best
that they could and then I helped them as much as I could.
- I think I'm a very friendly mom to my kids.
Maybe because my husband is a tiger dad
and I'm always trying to balance,
so one is enough in the house.
- Frankly, I'm so surprised to see so many of you guys here.
I was expecting most of you to be here
because that's almost a reputation
that Asian parents are tiger by nature.
- I don't agree with you.
I'm Asian, very Indian, but I'm not.
- It's hard to find a balance.
- Yep. - You cannot-
- It's also about trusting your children.
They know what's best for them.
- Well that's...
It's not sort of pushing them,
it's sort of pointing them the right direction.
The question is how much-
- Yeah, pointing them doesn't mean you
have to be a tiger parent.
You can do it softly, politely.
They understand.
They're sensible.
- But there's different degrees of tiger parent.
You've heard the extreme.
I think everyone finds their own tiger parent
in themselves of what you think works for your family.
- Parenting doesn't come with an instruction book.
- No, no. - So every parent is different
and every child is different.
- Yeah. (bell dings lightly)
- [Jason] I believe it is sometimes appropriate
to use physical discipline on children.
Three, two, one, go.
(footsteps scattering) (lady in all black laughs)
(wind screeches)
(bell dings lightly)
- Looks like I'm the only one on this side. (laughs)
- Well, I'll help you here. - Oh, thanks. (laughs)
I mean, I do believe in hitting my kids.
Not out of anger, not beating them up,
but I believe it's appropriate to teach them discipline.
Now, when I was growing up,
my dad beat me up with a broomstick
and the stick broke and it was my fault. (laughs)
Now that's wrong.
I don't agree with that,
but I believe kids have to learn fear and discipline
in a controlled environment like that.
- Yeah, I think I've spanked my kids a couple times.
Especially if they put themselves in danger.
It's been a long time, but I mean they were very little.
- Yeah. - I think very temporary.
'Cause as you raise them, they don't need that.
You know what I mean?
That shock value.
They just, you know, your words work.
- But on the other hand, when I see white kids at Walmart
and they don't care about their parents,
they're screaming and yelling and and cussing at their dad.
Like, whoa!
Where is the fear?
- I think 9 times outta 10 when kids get spanked,
it's because we can't think of anything else to do.
People say it's not out of anger,
but most of the time it is out of anger
'cause you're frustrated they're not listening.
- There's also love behind it.
Love for them.
It's not always frustration. - Yeah, well...
- While I was growing up,
probably half my school would have been terminated
because I used to get spanked a lot by my teachers.
So I think it was more culturally acceptable that time.
And I agree with you.
I think it's more about not doing out of anger.
You said the same thing too.
- And also that they understand why this is happening.
- And then you talk to them after that, right?
- Yeah. - And actually,
I used to feel terribly guilty
that I would spank them and then I would sort of tell them
I'm sorry but that's the reason why you got spanked.
So I think it was more
of a teaching, learning moment as well.
(bell dings lightly) - I expect my children
to take care of me as I get older.
Three, two, one, go.
(footsteps scattering)
(wind screeches) - I go here.
(bell dings lightly)
- So it depends upon what you mean by taking care of you.
It's not holding your hand.
You know, if I reflect about,
you know, what my father expects of me,
who lives with us, he just wants to talk.
He just wants us to be there with him.
You know, be together and have a meal together.
- Well this is how I define it.
When you're old, will you be in a senior home center
or will you be living with your son or daughter?
When I'm old,
I think I'll be at a senior center or a senior home
and my son will support me by visiting and things like that
but he's not going to be living in the same house with me.
- I would agree with you somewhat.
My husband and I have made lot of sacrifices
for our children and they're really appreciative of that.
And I don't think we'll need their financial help.
But emotional support is very important.
- I don't want my daughter to think that she owes me
and has to take care of me.
I do wanna be, you know,
obviously emotionally be there with her always.
But I don't want her to feel like it's a burden
and I don't want that responsibility
to ever be on her 'cause she didn't ask for it, so.
- I think even just staying in touch,
even a phone call, it's important.
That's taking care of parents.
(bell dings lightly)
- [Jason] I prefer my children marry someone
from the same culture.
Three, two, one, go.
(footsteps scattering)
(wind screeches)
(bell dings lightly)
- I think it should be children's choice.
Who they want to marry
and spend the rest of their lives with.
I am an Indian and my daughter-in-law is Chinese
and I'm very happy with my son's decision.
- My dad told me that I have to marry someone who's Korean
and the reason he gave was because of the language barrier
and the cultural barriers.
But that doesn't exist for me and my son anymore
'cause I could speak his language
and his culture perfectly fine so
he could marry whoever he wants.
- I was always told, you know,
marry Asian, marry Chinese.
My kids can marry whoever,
but at the same time, I think for myself,
it'd be nice if they marry someone similar in the sense
of just at least values and things like that.
- That's us!
You know, we are Asian Americans
but our children are more Americans.
They don't think like that.
- Mine, I...
They've expressed to me
that they would prefer to marry Asian.
My children have.
- Maybe because they're younger.
- They're young? - Are they younger right now?
- Oh no, no, no.
They're adults and that's what they told me.
But if they choose not
and they change their mind, I'm okay with that too.
(bell dings lightly)
- [Jason] I would be comfortable talking
to my children about dating and sex.
Three, two, one, go.
(footsteps scattering)
(wind screeches)
(bell dings lightly)
- Dating, yes.
Sex, No.
Not in details at least, I would be embarrassed.
I don't think my children would be comfortable either.
- I wish that they would've talked to me more
about stuff like that.
Like, I found out everything on my own.
Again, I think it's just the whole,
a lot of Asian families
just don't really talk about stuff like that.
They don't really talk about dating, sex, feelings.
- That's why they have sex ed in school.
(man laughs) - Right?
- They wont listen.
They don't want to. - Well, they have to
pass the course. - Yeah.
- So they have to listen.
- Well that's the thing.
I don't want to learn about that from school,
from Hollywood movies or even their friends.
I want them to be able to see my perspective.
Not that they have to agree with me,
but I want to be the primary teacher
of those things and not learn from sex ed from school.
(bell dings lightly)
- [Jason] I would be proud of my child
if they identified as LGBTQ+.
Three, two, one, go.
(footsteps scattering)
(wind screeching)
(bell dings lightly)
- I mean, I don't care who she ends up loving.
Whatever, you know, that's her love.
It's whatever she wants and that's fine with me.
- I remember my son when he was nine,
he asked me, "Would you love me if I was gay?"
And I said, yes, I would love you no matter what.
He goes, "I'm not but just checking."
(parents laugh) And he was nine years old when he did that
and I just started laughing
and I was like, you know,
I guess as a parent,
you don't deal with it until that comes up.
Kind of wakes you up a little bit.
- When I was growing up,
I mean the term didn't even exist.
I mean, there's still countries in the world
that don't talk about it and don't show it in the movies
and they're actually censored.
And place where I grew up, it was a taboo.
- Yeah, it used to be an Asian stigma
that Asians were not LGBTQ.
It was like white people and stuff.
Now, I agree with most of you that
I would love my kids no matter how they identify as,
but I believe that LGBTQ is either unnatural
and also the activity is sinful.
I'm not gonna force my kids to believe what I believe.
I'm not gonna force them into something that they're not.
But I will have concern.
I'll still love my kids and I'll learn how to express it.
But I wish they were not.
(wind whooshes) (bell dings lightly)
- [Jason] I believe Asian Americans are a model minority.
Three, two, one, go.
(footsteps scattering)
(wind screeches)
(bell dings lightly)
- I always hear this
from my friends who are not Asians who say,
"You guys do it right!"
You know, you focus on education, you focus on family,
you focus on making sure
that you're actually connected to your roots.
- I think when I think of like the term model minority,
I think someone that thinks they're the model, right?
So they're better.
And I don't think the way
that we were raised doesn't mean that should be the way
for everyone else, you know?
- But we are very hardworking community.
All of us.
And Indians are (indistinct) and doctors,
engineers, techies,
and the highest income earning group in America.
And it does put some pressure on our children.
- Right, yeah, that's what I'm saying.
- Which is not bad.
Which is good. - Yeah.
As an adult who had really strict parents,
like I felt a lot of pressure to be the model minority.
Especially 'cause we came here to America.
'Cause I was born in Japan.
I was like, I have to be perfect.
Why did we come here if I'm not gonna be perfect?
- But that little sense of competition
at the back of your mind is also good.
Makes them grow higher.
- Well the little voice in the back of my mind
is my parents always.
Which is like, "Oh, be better."
Be better.
You know, do better.
- Yeah.
- So let me ask you a question.
What if your parents did not push you to become better?
I suspect, you know,
if I don't tell my kids to do something and say,
okay, go and do whatever you need to.
And let's say they don't, they'll land up in a bad place.
In a way, I rather hear my kids complain
about me being pushy
and point them the right direction,
rather than coming and telling me later in the life,
"Wish you were a little bit strict
and you gave me more direction
and you supported me in a different way."
- Right, that's why I think a little bit of pressure is good
but too much pressure will break anybody.
And I think Asian families don't know
what the breaking point is.
- And we're still learning.
I mean, me as a parent and what I don't want.
- Of course. - I wanna be a grandma.
But that's not what my daughter wants right now, maybe.
- But you know, it's their choice, it's their life.
I'm not gonna...
- Yeah, we are different generations.
You're younger than my daughter.
(women chattering)
- I think your openness is great.
You're seeing things a lot brighter,
whereas I think maybe I was more old school.
I don't know.
It's great.
I think it's great.
Just we're all trying to figure it out still.
(group claps)
Young mama.
- Yes. - Very commendable.
- Nice meeting you.
- Nice meeting you guys. - Nice to meet you!
- You can call us for parenting tips now.
(group laughs) - It's a journey.
- It is! It is.
- Thank you so much for watching the episode of Spectrum
and we also wanna say thank you to our sponsors AARP.
Everyone of us will either be a caregiver
or need to receive care from someone,
maybe even a loved one.
Caregiving is an inevitable part of life,
and often caregivers are unprepared.
- And sometimes it can cause strains in our finances
and our relationships with our family
and it's super stressful.
But luckily we have AARP here to help.
- If you're not familiar with AARP,
AARP is one of the largest non-profit organizations
that works to improve the lives of those
who are 50 years and older.
So not only does it provide resources
but it also provides tools and guides.
And through their efforts,
we hope to increase awareness
and education for the community,
particularly the Asian American
and Pacific Islander community
where these kind of issues are not talked about very often.
- You know, one great first step to start your journey
is to download AARPs free Prepare to Care guide.
It provides five simple, easy to understand steps
to take care of your loved ones in the best way possible.
- Yeah, make sure you check 'em out. Go to AARP.ORG/AAPI.
Go and click on Family Caregiving in the main menu.
And we wanna say thank you once again to our sponsors AARP.
Thank you once again for watching this video,
for sticking around this long.
Make sure you like, subscribe,
leave a comment below and we'll see you next time.
(upbeat music)