- Hey everybody, today we're going to talk about
how to overcome childhood emotional neglect,
which from now on I'll just call CEN because
that's a little bit easier,
but before I jump into the topic,
if you're new to my channel, welcome.
I talk about all things mental health here,
and I put out videos on Mondays and Thursdays.
So make sure you're subscribed and have those
notifications turned on.
But let's jump into this topic.
First I want to define what I mean when I talk about
childhood emotional neglect, or CEN.
Now CEN really means that our parents weren't there
for us emotionally in the way that we needed.
Anytime we needed them to rub our back or to hold us
or to comfort us, they just weren't there.
It could mean they were there physically,
but not emotionally, or they weren't there at all.
This could also mean that we were raised in an
environment where everything was given to us that
we quote-unquote needed, like clothing, food,
transportation, maybe going to a great school,
but the emotional side was just completely left off.
Now that I've defined what CEN really means,
let's talk about how to know if we suffer from it.
When we grow up in an emotionally neglectful environment,
it can cause us to believe that our thoughts,
feelings and desires just don't matter.
And this can, in turn, cause us to question anything
we've experienced and struggle to trust how we
actually feel.
We can even find it difficult to let people in and
constantly, constantly worry what others think about us.
Not having our emotional needs met while we're growing up
leaves us without a secure foundation to grow from.
We can even struggle to know who we are or what we want,
and that we're valued.
Those who have suffered from emotional neglect,
often don't even know that it is happening.
That's because this type of neglect isn't overt,
or intentional, and therefore can go unnoticed for years.
Many parents who were emotionally neglectful,
gave their children every material thing that they
needed and therefore from the outside they can look
like amazing parents, but if their child needs
comforting or to talk something out,
they just aren't there at all.
And for this reason because our needs are really
never truly met, people who struggle with CEN can find
themselves in abusive or unhealthy relationships.
While many others struggle to get into any relationships
at all for fear that it will be just like that
relationship they had when they were growing up.
And since I know that childhood emotional neglect
can feel different to everyone,
here's some other signs that you may suffer from it.
Number one, are you a people pleaser?
Think about it.
Do you make sure that you're doing everything
just right for them?
Number two, are you easily upset and concerned by what
others think of you?
Or number three, do you struggle to know how you feel
until the feeling is just so overwhelming that you
can't even manage it?
Those are all other signs and symptoms that may mean
that we struggle or suffer from CEN.
Now obviously if any of those signs and symptoms are
true to you in things that you notice in your life now,
let's talk a little bit about how we can recover from it.
Now my first word of advice is to start noticing
and tracking your feelings.
I know many of my old time viewers are like,
oh stop talking about this,
but it can be so life changing.
Print out some of those feelings charts I'm always
talking about.
You can just Google feelings charts or you can hop
over to my website under resources and print them
out from there.
And start tracking your feelings each and every day.
And I know it can be really hard at first.
A lot of my clients report that the feelings that they
think they're feeling are just too overwhelming
and too scary.
So maybe start with the easier ones.
I find tired, sad and worried are often easier to
begin with, so find some feelings that maybe aren't
so charged for you and let's start there.
Because the truth is if we've been raised in a really
emotionally neglectful environment,
our feelings have been ignored for so long that it's
normal to not even know how you really feel.
So give yourself a chance to figure it out,
and get to know who you truly are.
Because once that part gets easier, the next step is
to go on and start describing the feeling word you
selected without using that exact word.
For example, I'm feeling energized, excited, and bubbly.
That would be how I describe happy without actually
using the term happy.
Do you kind of get where I'm going with this?
So that's the second step.
The third step is to begin noticing your needs.
When any needs or desires we have are constantly ignored,
we can begin to believe that our needs are just too much.
Or that something is really wrong with us for actually
needing such things.
By taking the time to acknowledge the needs that we
truly have, and by the way this is easiest if it's
done on our own.
Often it can leave us feeling extremely vulnerable
if we try to do it with a therapist,
unless we have that close connection, which is wonderful.
But I'm just throwing that out there to make sure
that we protect ourselves and do it at our own pace.
So once we acknowledge the needs we have,
then we can go on to try to imagine that someone else
in our life may have that very same need.
Do you see what I'm doing?
I'm putting another perspective because often when we
grow up without emotional support,
we are very caring and aware of other people.
So it kind of helps sometimes to pull it away from
ourselves and to put it on to someone else that we
care about, and consider these questions.
If they have that need, would we think that it's just
too much?
Would we be able to assist and support them with it?
Chances are, our answer to all of that would be no,
it's not too much, and yes, I'm happy to help them.
By slowly allowing ourselves to accept our own needs,
we can begin to change our belief that they aren't
important or that they're just way too much for others
to deal with.
And my next tip is self care.
And I know I talk about this a lot, but when it comes
to healing from childhood emotional neglect,
self care is our way of telling our body and soul
that we care about them, and that they're important.
Start by first recognizing if there are ways you're
neglecting your physical or emotional well being,
and consider some of the ways that you might be willing
to start working on.
And I say that to mean that what if we're not sleeping
well or we're not making sure that we eat regularly,
or we're not venting to people about what's going on.
We're holding it all inside.
And even if we don't have someone in our life,
this could mean that we need to journal more.
We need to find a therapist.
There are a lot of ways that we can insure we're taking
care of our physical and emotional well being.
The next thing you need to do is to make a list of the
things that help you feel nurtured and cared for.
I know this can be really hard and really painful to
tap into, and maybe this is something that you do with
a therapist, but give yourself the opportunity to
think about it.
What are the things that help you feel soothed?
Are there things that you wished your parent had
done for you?
And let's make time to do those things for ourselves.
This can also help us feel better and more
confident as we work through the last two steps.
The next step to overcoming childhood emotional neglect
is to accept help and support from others.
I know it can be really hard to let people in,
especially when we were shown from such a young age
that we were too much, or we weren't important.
But allow people that you already know,
people who've already earned your trust,
let them get to know you, the real you,
and no you don't have to share everything or every
secret that you've ever held sacred.
But you can begin by chatting about your day,
how things are going.
Keep it light and give yourself the opportunity
to let that person in just a little bit.
Once we know that they're respectful and deserving
of our friendship,
make sure that you text or call them and let them know
that you had a bad day or ask about theirs.
Lean on them just a little bit and begin slowly
creating your support system so that those around you
can help support you as you work to disprove all of
the lies that you were told as a child.
And the final step is setting healthy boundaries.
This kind of rolls off of the last step and is just
as important because it's okay to say no.
You don't have to do anything that causes you
more discomfort or pressure.
Go back to that list of needs that we created.
What's important to you?
And also check in with your self-care.
If the thing that's being asked of you isn't
in line with either one of those things,
maybe it takes away time from your self care
that you need so much,
or it goes against a need that you have,
then you can say no.
Don't let people walk all over you.
We're trying to teach ourselves that we're important
and that our feelings are valid.
And if the person asking us for something
doesn't respect that, then we don't need them
in our lives or want them in our lives anyways.
But in my experience, truthfully,
when we finally say no to somebody or we just say no
because it's not in line with how we feel or
what we want, they usually act like it's no big deal
and just move on.
It turns out that it was only a big deal to us
and not them.
This video has been brought to you by the
Kenyans on Patreon.
If you would like to support the creation of
these mental health videos,
click the link for subscription and check it out.
And I want recommend two books.
If this is something you think you're struggling with,
there's a lot of help out there,
a lot of help we can get our hands on right away.
If you have an Amazon account it can come to your
house in two days.
And the first book is "The Unavailable Father",
and I know many of you are wanting me to talk more
about it and I haven't forgot,
but I really want to get through the whole book,
but I'll link it in the description so you can pick it up.
And the second one, which you've heard me talk a lot
about before is "The Emotionally Absent Mother."
I'm covering kind of part of it,
but I'll link that in the description as well.
And as always, leave any tips and tricks and tools,
or just helpful stories about recovery.
If you've gone through this or you're working through it
and you have something that you've learned,
let us know in those comments.
It's so helpful for me to share what I know
and then you to share your experience,
because together we're working towards a healthy mind
and a healthy body.
And I will see you next time, bye.