- I wish I could look at myself in the mirror
without being disgusted at what I see.
I can tell my friends to be strong and to love themselves,
but I can't do it myself.
I feel worthless, like I don't deserve to be loved.
(ambient music)
- [Presenter] For many young women,
it's not always easy to be your true self.
"Kung Fu" is a new series from the CW,
about a badass Chinese American woman named Nicky Shen,
who uses her fighting skills to protect her community.
While her friends and family know
that Nikki has practiced Kung Fu,
the extent of her skills remains a secret.
For now.
In partnership with the CW, we ask teen girls to share
their secrets, and invited other women to read them,
to better understand the challenges
these women have overcome.
(soft ambient music)
- I've been bullied at three different schools.
I've begun to blame myself for being bullied
because I think I'm stupid and weak.
I feel worthless and now it makes me feel even worse
because now I'm bullying myself.
- I give all of myself and love to my friends,
but I never see the same in return.
I feel that they all think of me as an annoyance.
Is there something wrong with the way I show my love?
- I'm gay, but both my parents always say
that if their child was LGBTQ+, they would disowned them.
All I want is them to love me, but I know they never will.
(woman exhales deeply)
I came out when I was in seventh grade.
I faced so many problems with my parents
because they grew up in totally different environments
than I did.
I did move out and I did establish my own life.
In that time, I was able to kind of understand myself,
and then I understood my parents.
- My parents have always made me feel insecure
about my body when they remind me that I've gained weight.
They hold me to a high beauty standard
and it really takes a toll on my mental health.
These thoughts have made me want to kill
and starve myself, work out until I literally can't breathe.
I've stopped being myself
because I don't feel comfortable in my own skin.
(woman exhales deeply)
Gosh, I just wanna give this girl a hug. (sighs)
You know, when I would go back to the Philippines
or see friends and family, it's just so common to say,
"Oh, you've gotten so fat" or, "You've gained weight"
or "You look healthy" or, "You look chunky"
or every single variation of that you can think of.
If there's anything I could offer to this girl to help,
is to decide when enough is enough for you
and when you wanna say, "No, you need to stop." (chuckles)
"You need to calling me fat"
or "You need to stop commenting on my weight.
It's actually hurting me more than it is helping me."
(woman exhales deeply)
- After we took our clothes off, I changed my mind.
He got angry. I felt trapped.
And that is ultimately how I lost my virginity.
I haven't slept well since,
and I still feel ashamed about it.
Now I'm too afraid to get close to anyone.
I can't trust anybody.
Unfortunately, I know way too many young women
who have experienced that, myself included,
and quite a few of my friends.
I know that it can feel really painful and isolating
and shameful.
It's not the end of intimacy for this person,
and in developing relationships of trust and consent.
I hope that this person can really feel nurtured in that.
- When I was 17, I got pregnant.
When I told my boyfriend,
he told me to go away and deal with it.
I ended up having a miscarriage before I could do anything.
I was alone in a public bathroom
because I was too scared to go to the hospital,
since they would tell my parents.
I've had a miscarriage and I've also had an abortion.
I was maybe 16 when I had the miscarriage.
If you're 17, you're probably in high school,
and there's counselors that you can talk to.
You probably have some friends that you can talk to
that you might not even know can relate with you.
Because once I told one of my friends,
I found out that she also had a miscarriage
around the same time that I did.
There's definitely a lot more girls and women out there
that you can talk to.
- I hate my physical appearance, my cheeks, my upper back,
my skin complexion, especially my waist.
All of my friends have a flat stomach,
and it makes me feel terrible.
I'm self conscious.
I worry about everything, from the way I talk
to my personality.
I definitely feel every word on this secret
'cause it's the way I feel.
There's always this standard, of having a flat stomach
and having a thigh gap,
and I don't have any of those things.
- I was bullied a lot for the way I look.
Bullied a lot for things I can't change about myself,
like my facial features.
And it was during moments like those where I realized
"Why the fuck do I care about what
everyone else thinks about me?"
I don't know what changed within me,
but I realized that was such a downward spiral
that I couldn't get myself out of,
and I need to get myself back up.
- I've always had the reputation of the good girl
who does well in school and has a good family.
The truth is, I've been struggling with mental health.
I feel super alone because others won't understand
how I can have my perfect life
and yet suffer from depression.
I want someone to be there for me,
but I don't want to reach out.
- I understand what it's like to not have people see you
and see that you're struggling.
And I dealt with a lot of depression and anxiety
in high school, and it kind of felt like I was in the middle
of the street drowning and no one could see me dying.
Once you find someone that is able to hold the space
for your emotions and your life, go for it.
It's hard to find people like that.
- I got a great scholarship for four years,
but I'm not happy.
I feel like I just have to please my family
because it's what's expected of me.
I've been suffering from depression, stress eating,
starving, and having anxiety all the time.
I'm too scared of what people have to say if I tell them
I want to drop out of school to find my happiness.
It is so difficult to go against
what your family wanted from you.
I was a Valedictorian Salutatorian candidate,
and I was applying to go to military academies.
And this application is not some short application
you could finish in two days, okay?
This is like six months.
I finally stood up to my family and said, "I can't do it."
I was only doing it because it's what they wanted.
You are not your grade point average.
You're not your SAT scores, or the name of the school
that you graduate from.
You are worth so much more than that.
- A male friend took advantage of me,
and it all happened because I'm very softhearted.
It's been three years and I haven't healed yet.
I hate myself because being so sensitive
always makes people use me.
(woman exhales)
I feel like it happens to a lot of girls.
I was very skeptical at first, you know?
But this person really tried his best
to make me feel comfortable,
and make me open up and be vulnerable.
And after we talked for a while,
he kind of just kept begging for more and more.
And it ended up that he had a girlfriend,
and he ended up telling her
and the people that I was around also,
that I went into his room and I begged him
to do things with me, and that if he didn't,
that I said I'd kill myself,
because I had a...
I was talking about things that were personal in my life,
so he used that against me.
So not everybody's going to be like that,
and if you do close yourself off
to the idea of finding someone or love,
then you could be missing something special.
But I'd say that you should have time to heal from it
before anything else.
It's very important to heal.
- I wish I had someone telling me
when I was in middle school and high school
that you're beautiful the way you are,
you don't have to change for anyone.
Trying to figure out who you are,
and you don't have to have it all figured out
when you're a teenager.
You don't
- Everything around you is telling you
that you're too much and not enough.
You're too ambitious. You're too loud, or too fat.
But you're enough.
- We are told every day what we should look like,
what we should think, how we should feel.
And the fact that we are in a place now
where we can stand up and we can say, "That is not me.
That is not what I wanna look like.
That's not how I wanna feel.
And I'm gonna tell you, take it or leave it."
There's a lot of power in that,
and I'm so proud of all the women that fought
for us to be able to get here today.
- Thank you to the CW for sponsoring this episode.
- And thank you to all the women who participated.
- Make sure to tune in for the premier of "Kung Fu"
on April 7th, at 8/7 central.
- Or stream it free the next day, only on the CW.
- We'll see you next time.
(gentle ambient music)