there's a new thing happening I don't
like it it's new whenever I walk out of
a public restroom anyone who watches me
walk out automatically assumes I've just
taken a [ __ ] it's always a guy dude
always a dude just like like Sarah I
have no idea who you are I also don't
need you screaming that across this
Chili's right now we're in public
also yeah give it a minute I'm not gonna
lie to the guy I'm not a liar [ __ ] in
the bathroom it's where you're supposed
to do it it's where it's supposed to
happen
the friends are stupid I hate them my
babies anyway
JC what would you do if I gave you a
billion dollars I was like I'd be super
surprised because we work at the same
grocery store why are they paying you
different than me he's like nah dawg
it's a hypothetical I'm like Dawg that's
the wrong word that's why we're at this
grocery store because I play the game
man it's a game I'm like fine if you
gave me a billion dollars I would buy
the Milwaukee Brewers baseball franchise
and then I would change the team name to
the Milwaukee walkie-talkies that's the
whole thing just ruling the City of
Milwaukee for a month
yes P Edwin hated tonight the Chicago
Cubs defeated the Milwaukee walky Carl
you can't curse on air
[Applause]
[Laughter]
been seeing a lady I like her a lot
she's real sweet oh she's got some
complaints about me she said this she
said I don't talk enough during sex
here's the thing guys I'm not good at
sex so when I talk during it it just
sounds like thank you so much for being
here I really appreciate you taking the
time out of your day it just turns into
an acceptance speech I'd like to thank
my mom gotta give it up for God give it
up for the Geo D I just got off an
airplane I do not like flying not a lot
of smiling faces when I bought those
planes guys a lot of concerned looks
like where the [ __ ] are they gonna put
that thing I just
[Applause]
[ __ ] don't look at him don't look at him
it's missions based on movement don't
look just whisper it into white dudes
ears you're not gonna have it arm rest
today [ __ ] I get intoxicated when I fly
it makes me feel more comfortable you
got a lady with a baby next to me she
starts to breastfeed her baby and she
gave me a look like hey I'm sorry this
is happening I hope it's not bothering
you and what I want to do is to show her
that hey I don't care it's thing it has
to happen it's natural baby's gotta eat
but what came out of my mouth was
[Laughter]
now what she was looking for not the
reassurance baby stop getting fed food
for baby I don't mind I don't mind
babies on planes I'm pretty sick of the
emotional support animals on planes
though pretty done
people are just bringing animals I got a
plane recently a man boarded the flight
with an emotional support parrot I will
repeat myself a man boarded the airplane
with a loose bird and Delta Airlines was
like I'm not mad at the burn not the
birds fault it's the guy's fault but the
bird was the problem because birds
understand what it feels like to fly so
when the plane took off the bird felt
like it was flying but it knew it was
not doing the flying and it lost its
goddamn buy it went insane
which I assume in Bern means
I don't speak bird but I could read body
language and the bird was having a bad
time five hour flight five hours guess
how long the bird was freaking out for
five hours there were babies looking
over at like shut that thing the [ __ ] up
trying to get fed back here done drugs
guys I'm not gonna lie to you
thank you just one silent clap I was in
college was the night before Halloween
and I got a phone call from a friend he
said this anyway
hey JC tonight we're going over to
Todd's dorm we're all gonna take acid
and then we're gonna watch the movie An
American Werewolf in London do you want
to go and I was like you had me at acid
I will be there got over to Todd's dorm
me and ten other college freshmen all
took acid for the first time waited for
it to begin affecting us and then
somebody put a horror movie about
werewolves into a DVD player panic and
paranoia consumed the robot one of my
buddies convinced himself the
combination of the movie and the drugs
was going to turn him into an actual
werewolf and he alerted the room by
everyone else was like oh [ __ ] we're
probably all turning into werewolves
from one side of the room so it was like
pretty good I was like right after he
yelled that started to strip his clothes
off then it turned into a chain reaction
around the room now it's a dorm room for
the college-age dudes stripping all
their clothes off to prevent them from
being ruined when we transform into
monsters together typical Tuesday night
real super and this one I go someone has
to be responsible so I walked over to
the dorm room telephone and I called 911
I got on the phone with a 900 and I set
it into the phone hello me my friends
we're on a whole bunch of drugs and
we're all about to turn into werewolves
without skipping a beat the lady on the
other end of the phone way honey
tonight's not the full moon
I'm not saying that lady deserves a
medal but she's pretty good at her
[ __ ] job she called me right down I
hung up on her like we're gonna be fine
guys that's a real silver bullet on