- WHAT IS UP, NEW YORK?
[applauding]
I FUCKIN' LOVE NEW YORK!
THE MEN OUT HERE LOVE BLACK WOMEN-- I LOVE IT!
I GOT PROPOSED TO THREE TIMES-- I FUCKIN' LOVE NEW YORK.
LOVE IT!
WELL...
I JUST BROKE UP WITH SOMEBODY.
WELL, IT WASN'T REALLY A BREAK-UP.
IT WAS A-A BOOTY CALL I MIGHT HAVE TOOK TOO SERIOUS.
[audience laughing]
THAT SHIT HAPPENS SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW.
YOU CAN'T FUCK ME MORE THAN ONE TIME AND NOT BE MY MAN.
WE ON A SCHEDULE!
I DON'T CARE IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME.
I LOVE YOU!
[audience laughing]
IT'S GONNA WORK OUT!
SO NOW THE BOOTY CALL THEN TURN INTO A POLICE CALL...
...'CAUSE I CAN'T STOP TEXTING HIM.
I CAN'T STOP TEXTING-- TEXTING HAS RUINED MY LIFE.
I CAN'T STOP TEXTIN'.
IT'S HARD-- IT'S HARD NOT TO TEXT "YOU IS A BITCH!"
[audience laughing]
SEND-- "OKAY, I'M SORRY FOR CALLING YOU A 'BITCH.'"
"DID YOU GET MY LAST TEXT?
"ARE YOU GETTING ANY OF THESE TEXTS?"
IS YOU GETTIN' ANY OF THESE TEXTES, BITCH?
I'M TEN TEXTS IN NOW.
HOW AM I GONNA STOP TEXTIN'-- HOW AM I GONNA STOP TEXTIN'?
DON'T SAY "DON'T TEXT," 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T TELL SOMEBODY
WHO KEEP TEXTIN', TO DON'T TEXT!
OH, DELETE THE NUMBER-- WHAT AM I GONNA DO-- DELETE MY BRAIN?
[audience laughing]
I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND...
I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHY I'M SINGLE.
I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND.
IT MUST BE THE YEAR,
BECAUSE IF IT WAS 1840, I WOULD NEVER BE SINGLE.
THE WHITE MAN WOULD HOOK ME UP.
WHAT-- I AM A MANDINGO-- SOON AS I STEP OFF THE SHIP,
HE GONNA HOOK ME UP WITH ANOTHER MANDINGO
AND I'M GONNA GIVE SUPER BABIES.
EVERY NINE MONTHS I'M GONNA BE LIKE,
SHAQ, UH, KOBE, UH, LEBRON,
UH, KIMBO SLICE, UH,
UH, SINBAD, WHAT?
I WOULD-I WOULD BE THE NUMBER ONE SLAVE DRAFT PICK.
I BE ON TELEVISION LIKE LEBRON
ANNOUNCING WHICH PLANTATION I WAS GONNA GO TO.
"UH, I'D LIKE TO TAKE MY TALENTS TO SOUTH CAROLINA."
"I DO BELIEVE THAT THERE'S GONNA BE
"A LOT OF OPPORTUNITIES THERE FOR ME.
"UH, VENUS AND SERENA WILL BE JOINING ME, SO, UH..."
NOW I CAN'T EVEN GET SOME MOTHERFUCKER
TO TAKE ME TO [indistinct]-- THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT!
[audience laughing]
LITTLE YOUNG GIRLS JUST MESSIN' UP THE GAME.
JUST MESSIN' UP THE GAME!
JUST LITTLE YOUNG GIRLS JUST MESSIN' UP THE GAME.
JUST TIRED OF THIS YOUNG-- LOOK AT THIS ONE RIGHT HERE,
JUST YOUNG, YOUNG AND FRESH.
YOUR COOTCHIE STILL FRESH
AS THE SNOW ON A MOUNTAIN PEAK, AIN'T IT?
JUST A DUTCH MAN UP THERE WITH A HORN, TALKIN' ABOUT--
[tooting]
FRESH SNOW-- PULL YOUR PANTS DOWN AND AN ANGEL FLY OUT.
DON'T NOTHIN' BUT A FIRE BREATHIN' DRAGON
COME OUT OF MY SHIT-- AHHHHH!
[audience laughing and applauding]
I DON'T KNOW, MAN, YOUNG GIRLS, PRETTY GIRLS, PRETTY BITCHES
LOOK AT THESE BITCHES.
YEAH, I SEEN YOU PRETTY BITCHES.
TWO PRETTY BITCHES IN A ROW.
JUST LIKE A NICE, LITTLE, PRETTY BITCH GARDEN, HUH, JUST--
Y'ALL GONNA COME IN THE CLUB AND FUCK MY WHOLE NIGHT UP.
COME MERE, COME HERE-- STAND UP.
LOOK AT HER-- TURN AROUND-- LOOK AT HER-- AIN'T SHE PRETTY?
SHE'S A PRETTY GIRL.
[audience applauding]
WHATEVER, UM...
SO, UH, ALL RIGHT, WE AT A CLUB,
AND UH, WE, YOU KNOW, WE STANDIN' AT THE BAR, ME AND HER,
WE STANDIN' AT THE BAR TOGETHER AND, UH,
MEN, Y'ALL WALK IN, AND, UH, Y'ALL SEE US.
[audience laughing]
WHO YOU GONNA PICK?
[audience laughing]
OKAY, BUT YOU IN THE-IN THE PARKING LOT, RIGHT?
AND THERE'S TWO CRIPS ABOUT TO WHUP YO' ASS,
WHO YOU GONNA PICK THEN?
[audience laughing and applauding]
SIT YOUR PRETTY ASS DOWN!
YO, MY NAME IS LESLIE.
[audience applauding]