- Better self-awareness is good for your relationships,
and we're going to help you improve your self-awareness.
(upbeat music)
So, today we're going to focus specifically
on your self-awareness
in terms of how you relate to others in relationships.
I'm gonna post another video in this series
a week after this one
on self-awareness and leadership,
and I'll link to that one below and up in the card here
when it's done.
But today we'll look at four ways
to increase your self-awareness in relationships,
and I want to give you a warning that the fourth one
we are gonna get real about.
So, number one.
How do you relate to others?
I'm going to draw some questions
from a killer theory about relationships
called relational dialectics theory
that explains a lot about how we relate to other people.
It describes the various push-and-pull dynamics
you experience in all of your important relationships.
The first tension or dialectic
is connection versus autonomy.
So, answer these questions as we go.
Do you like to feel connected to people,
or do you prefer your autonomy, your independence?
For example, when you're hanging around with others,
are you the one of the people
that really wants to get some space,
away for a few days or more after you hang out?
Or are you somebody who likes
to just keep hanging out a lot?
Now there's no right or wrong answer here either,
but if you or the other person wants more or less time apart
it does mean that there'll be some tension.
It doesn't mean there's a problem in the relationship,
'cause these tensions are common,
but you will experience that tension.
The same goes for the other dialectics.
So, next we'll talk about the tension we feel
about certainty versus uncertainty.
Do you prefer things to be stable,
predictable and consistent?
Or do you like lots of variety and change?
Do you always want to experience something new?
It's not very likely, for example,
that you have the exact same preferences
as the people around you,
and so these differences can cause tension.
Next is openness versus closeness.
Are you open about your life?
Are you willing to talk about almost anything?
Or you prefer to be more closed off, more private,
at least for a while?
Sometimes people are really open about some things
but closed about other issues,
and so for you, you could be in the middle
on some of these issues
depending upon who you're thinking about as you relate to.
But in general, which way do you lean on these?
And for me, I prefer, for example, more connection,
more consistency, and more openness.
My wife is close to me on these
but she prefers more autonomy than me,
even more consistency, and even more openness.
So even though we are similar,
there's a gap in each of those tensions between us
that causes friction.
It's that push-and-pull dynamic.
It's very unlikely that you'll come out the same
as other people in each area.
But once you have self-awareness
about how you relate to others in these ways,
you can find creative solutions and compromises
to strengthen your relationship.
And that's really the first step in self-awareness,
to become aware.
This is a killer model to help you become more self-aware.
Number two, how would your friends
describe your personality?
Specifically, would they say you're more self-centered
or more other-centered?
I know a guy, for example, and it's possible he's watching,
but he's listening to his wife tell a story the other day,
and then he interrupts her and says,
"What's this got to do with me?"
Now he's a good guy,
but he'd be the first one to acknowledge
that he can be self-centered.
So, when people are talking about their lives,
do you wish the conversation was about you instead?
If somebody shares some good news,
do you feel happy for them and says things like,
"Congratulations, you got your essay published"?
Or do you feel competitive, like,
"Yeah, well, I'm gonna get my story
"made into a movie, okay?"
So which way do you lean?
Are you that other-centered type of person?
Are you quick to empathize with other people
and be curious about their lives?
Or are you somebody who leans a little toward wanting
what they want out of the situation?
Now, again, there's no ultimate right or wrong here.
But the way you relate to others in general
benefits from leaning toward being other-centered.
Not many good relationships are built
on self-centered behaviors, in other words.
So, if this is you, you may want to look carefully
if you lean toward self-centeredness
and figure out what's at the root of that for you.
It's quite possible that this is a source of difficulty
in your relationships that you need to be aware of.
Number three, your priorities shape your relationships.
But many people never really get clear
on exactly what their priorities are.
So, what are your top five priorities in life?
I suggest you write down your top five priorities
and put them in order.
So, rank the top five things you care most about.
For me, my top five are
my faith, family, relationships, work, and health.
So, what's most important on your list,
what's next more important, and so forth.
For mine, I have struggled with this ranked order
in my daily life.
There are many times where I say
I value relationships over work,
but I find myself sometimes not making any social plans
to get together with friends for weeks
because I'm too caught up in my projects.
I'm not really happy about this,
but this struggle does help me become more self-aware
of how I really am.
I say I value one thing, strong relationships,
but my actions don't always line up with that
because I work too much and I don't make social plans.
So that internal friction reveals my priorities
are sometimes in conflict.
For you, I suggest you go ahead and make a list
of your top five priorities
and be brutally honest with yourself.
Number four, what are your issues?
And I've put that in quotes.
And I'm putting that in quotes for my old friend Angel.
If you're watching, I'm quoting you.
As mentioned, we're gonna get real here,
and we're gonna go into the deep end of the pool.
Do you have any areas of your emotional life
you struggle with?
We just can't have an honest discussion about self-awareness
and not talk about this.
Because those issues, those struggles,
will influence your relationships.
In most cases, if you have not yet dealt with your past,
it will profoundly shape your relationships now.
So we'll mention some common issues.
Do you, for example, struggle with depression,
anxiety, anger, loneliness?
I used to have a huge struggle with anxiety.
According to the Anxiety and Depression Society of America,
around 18% of the people in the US struggle with anxiety.
Around 10% of adults per year
struggle with some type of depression.
And if you count untreated, undiagnosed depression,
I bet the number is closer to 20%.
Same goes for anger issues.
I know a lot of people who struggle with anger,
and that will come out in their relationships.
Over 40% of people in the US struggle with loneliness.
Now I don't have a magic cure for these issues,
but we're talking about becoming more self-aware,
and realizing that it's an issue is really the first step.
And like for me, my anxiety and depression,
at first I thought I was just in a really bad mood
for three years straight,
but I figured out that there was a root issue from my past
that was driving this anxiety.
Now God willing you're not currently struggling
with any of these,
but I do know this.
I've never met a person who didn't at some point
struggle with something heavy.
These issues are not just something
we can contain on the side.
Very often, our issues are steering our whole life
as we relate to other people.
Now clearly I'm not a therapist,
and if you ask me what to do about this
in the comments below
I won't really know.
But I do know that there are good answers out there
for these issues,
like most counseling and therapy helps if you stick with it.
Most schools, churches, local communities
have free or low-cost counseling of some sort.
But maybe in the spirit of this video
you start with your relationships.
Maybe you could be more open with a trusted friend,
a friend who is more mature than you,
and begin having a conversation about it.
Maybe this is the area that you can be more open with.
It's very likely that they will be able
to relate to you somehow if you talk to a trusted friend.
Now, if you're not currently struggling with this,
then be very grateful for that.
So, big picture.
I suggest you pick one of these and get serious about it
and invest in time and increasing your self-awareness.
You can start by writing out some ideas,
journaling your thoughts.
It's a good investment of time
because your increased self-awareness
will dramatically improve your relationships.
And, as a reminder, the next video in this series
is on leadership and self-awareness,
and it'll come out a week after this one,
and I'll link to it in the description below this video
when it's ready.