Translator: Brigitta Békési Reviewer: Reka Vegi
In 1944, experiments were performed on infants.
They were taken care of perfectly, fed, bathed, changed,
but all forms of affection were withheld from them.
There was no touching, no hugging, not even a smile.
After four months the experiment had to be stopped
because half of the infants died, though there was no medical reason for it.
They were not given any love, and this literally killed them.
Everybody needs love and special attention,
and this is exactly why we all want to be attractive to others.
However, most people have no idea how to do it.
It is not taught in school,
even though personal appeal affects not only our relationships
but indeed, our entire life.
Our career, our social life, our private life,
and even the way we feel about ourselves.
People spend a lot of money on how they look.
The fashion industry itself generates over 3 000 billion USD in revenues,
which amounts to 2% of the entire world’s GDP.
Fortunately, there are many people who have realised
that it is not enough to concentrate on looks only
and they have started to dig deeper.
They study, develop themselves,
use the services of coaches and psychologists,
read self-improvement books
and do everything they can to achieve harmony, both inside and out.
But they are forgetting an important point.
Attraction is not only about us.
I have a girlfriend.
She has multiple degrees, speaks several languages,
she is extremely successful in her job and she also looks good on the outside.
She works out regularly, pays attention to what she eats,
and spends an awful lot of money on an array of beauty services.
She is 36 years old and has been living alone for the past eight years.
When I asked her what she thought the reason for it was,
she told me with a straight face that she still had an extra 10 pounds on,
and when she can finally shed this extra weight,
everything in her life will straighten out.
I have another acquaintance.
Her situation is similar, only the explanation is different.
She says that she is still single because she is too smart.
She believes that men are stupid;
they do not like overly intelligent women,
because they are scared of them.
These two cases are nothing out of the ordinary.
There are many people who do everything they can
to become perfect, both inside and out.
But they are forgetting one important fact.
Attraction is not a single-player game.
Attraction is not about what we are like.
Attraction is about the response we elicit from the other person.
In other words, it is about the other person.
About what he or she thinks about us.
When I was researching the topic of attraction
I realised that there are three things
that have a major impact on our personal appeal,
still people tend to overlook them.
I would like to share these three things with you now.
The first one is attention.
If you learn to pay full attention to the other person,
they will feel that they matter, that they are important to you.
And we all like to be around people who make us feel important.
Have you ever been in the company of someone completely self-absorbed,
who did not pay any attention to you or to anything else,
just caring about himself?
How did it make you feel?
The problem is that people tend to forget that they need to turn to each other,
I have a story about that.
I was at a conference, and the participants were chatting
and getting to know each other before the program started.
I was talking with some people in a small group
when a man approached us.
He did not care that people were already talking to each other.
He simply butted in and started talking.
And he just kept going on and on and on.
Luckily the conference started,
so this exciting 'dialogue' was put to an end.
At the next break I happened to join the same group of people.
They were talking about the previous gentleman,
about how offensive they found him,
as he did not pay attention to anyone around him
and was so absorbed in himself alone.
I have a friend who is exactly the opposite.
I am happy to meet her any time,
and it made me think about what her secret might be.
What is it that makes not only me but, I know, all our other friends
happy to spend time with her?
I realised that the only thing she did
was learn how to perfectly focus on the person she is with.
When I talk to her, she pays attention, looks me in the eye
and asks an open-ended question here and there
to let me know that she is with me, that she follows what I am saying.
So if you would like to elicit a positive response from others,
learn to focus on them with your full attention.
However, to pay full attention to other people is not so simple.
Have you ever been in a situation where someone started to talk to you,
and after a while your mind started to wander?
This happens quite frequently,
and the problem is that it actually shows on our face.
Our eyes glaze over,
and our partner will immediately notice it.
But I have a tip for you, a trick for practicing paying attention.
Yes, it is something you can practice.
In such cases it is actually our focus that wanders,
and the ability to focus can be improved.
All you need to do is remember:
if there are several things happening to you at the same time,
only focus on one single thing at a time and simply turn off everything else.
And try to keep focusing on this one particular thing
as long as possible.
This is also what you need to do when you meet a person next time.
Try to concentrate on that one person
and disregard everything and everybody else.
And here’s the second secret factor that helps you be attractive to others.
To be fair, I have a confession to make in this regard.
If I had not written a book about attraction,
I would surely never have said
that this was something that actually made a difference.
But when I was writing the book,
I did not want to simply come up with something
that is put together from scraps of information found on the Internet,
in books and encyclopaedias, so I also did some research.
And as a part of this research
I asked men about what made women attractive to them.
But I did not simply ask it like this, what made women attractive to them;
my actual question was the following:
If there was a pair of equally attractive twins,
so that looks were of no consideration,
what would they base their choice of one or the other on?
Over 90% of the men answered
that they would choose the twin that was kinder and more 'normal'.
This came as a surprise.
But not because I had not thought kindness was important.
But I never would have imagined that it counted for so much.
Indeed, kindness coming from within makes a difference.
I am deliberately using the term 'kindness from within' here,
as I would not want you to confuse it with fake smiles and forced grins.
That is not what I am talking about.
If someone is capable of exuding kindness from within,
then this person will be the one to charge your batteries,
the one talking to makes you feel really content.
He or she will be the one who warms your heart and gets you to do anything.
Yes, but how can you achieve this kindness radiating from within?
As I have mentioned before,
neither fake smiles nor forced grins will have the same effect.
The difficulty here is that only those people exude an inner kindness,
who are capable of loving themselves,
are capable of being kind to themselves and also to others.
The problem is that most people do not even realise
that they are being negative.
They are critical of their own self and also of others.
They are simply negative.
It is often said about Hungarians as a whole that we are so negative,
but I believe that negativity and being critical
are only bad habits that we adopt and that can be changed at any time.
This is exactly why I would like to ask you to do this:
when you walk along the street next time, take out your phone,
push 'Record', and say all your thoughts out loud.
Do not filter them, do not think about them,
just say whatever comes to your mind.
Then, when you get home, take a piece of paper,
draw two columns,
one for your positive and one for your negative thoughts,
and count them.
If you find that you have too many negative thoughts,
start consciously paying attention to that.
Start paying attention to not being critical of other people
but finding what is good in everyone.
I know that this will feel quite forced at the beginning,
but trust me: it is exactly like having a good laugh.
When you do not really feel like laughing
but still make an effort and force yourself to start laughing,
after a while you might actually find yourself rolling with laughter.
The same thing happens here.
It might be somewhat stilted at the beginning,
but after a while it will become second nature.
And the time will come when your appeal changes
and you start radiating a kindness from within
that others will not be able to resist.
And this is still only the second factor.
But there is also a third one.
The real deal.
But before I share it with you, I would like you to understand this.
Everybody, from their birth to their deathbed,
has the closest relationship with their own self.
We spend the most time in our own company.
This is why whom we find attractive
does not depend on objective considerations,
but rather on our subjective view of the person.
Indeed, everything depends on how we subjectively see someone.
Let me bring you an example to better illustrate my point.
Imagine me telling you
that there is a special kind of chocolate that is the best in the whole world.
All the people I have given a square loved it
and told me that it was the best chocolate ever.
It is made of the best, highest quality ingredients,
so we can say that it is definitely the best chocolate there is.
And I tell you that I have a bar of it with me.
I take it out, break off a square and hand it over to you,
and I ask you to have a taste.
You taste it and it is terrible.
You actually find it awful.
So will this chocolate be good for you?
No.
To you, this chocolate will not taste right.
It does not matter that objectively it should taste great,
you will not find it delicious.
And the exact same goes for attraction.
Someone might be objectively attractive, both inside and out.
If he or she does not have that particular effect on you,
then you will not find them attractive.
And exactly for this reason,
if you would like to make an impact by being attractive to others,
the most important thing to do
is to learn how to make a positive impression on other people.
You can make a positive impression on people primarily by inspiring them.
Inspiration, by definition, is the act of stimulation to do or feel something.
But imagine meeting someone with whom you can laugh
as hard as you have ever laughed before,
to the point, where it makes your stomach hurt.
Would you not like to meet them again?
Or imagine someone who sings in such a beautiful voice
that you get goosebumps.
Would you not like to hear them again?
Or imagine someone teaching you such interesting things
that after talking to them for half an hour
you feel that you have learned more than during your entire education.
Would you not like to meet them again and again?
Well, this is the power of inspiration.
I have good news.
Inspiration affects our appeal not only when we inspire others
but also when someone else inspires us.
There was a research study conducted with students.
The participants were split into three groups, and they had to go on dates.
People in the first group always had to contradict their respective dates.
So if someone’s date said 'I love pizza',
he or she had to counter by saying 'Gee, I really do not like it at all'.
Or, if he said 'Budapest is the most beautiful city in the world',
she had to say 'Not for me, I do not like Budapest at all'.
The students in the second group were told to agree with everything.
So if someone’s date said 'I love pizza',
he or she had to say 'Oh, really? Come on! Me, too!'.
Or if he said 'Budapest is the most beautiful city in the world',
she had to say 'Is it seriously your favourite? It is mine, too.'
And there was the third group,
where the participants first had to contradict
and then agree with their dates.
Not surprisingly,
the people who contradicted their partners in everything
turned out to be the least likable.
But the most likeable people
were not those who always agreed with their dates,
but those who first contradicted them, but then finally agreed.
And this is because their dates felt like they had made an impact
and they changed their opinions because of them.
So they started to see them attractive.
So inspiration,
whether we are at the giving or the receiving end,
affects our appeal.
But how exactly do you inspire others?
Well, it might seem simple, but it really is not.
Dare to be yourself.
Do not be afraid to show who you really are.
Do not be afraid to be passionate,
do not be afraid to show your real self.
It has historically been proven that people never make their decisions
on a rational, but rather on an emotional basis.
We do not look at what the other person says,
but rather look for nonverbal signs.
And this is why, if you present yourself as you really are,
you will be able to inspire others.
I am sure you have all heard of Casanova.
But what was his secret?
Casanova wasn’t handsome or especially intelligent,
and yet he could seduce anyone he wanted.
Any idea why?
When he had his sights on someone, he could focus 100% on her,
and he was completely oblivious to other women.
He paid attention to her, he was kind to her,
he inspired her and let her inspire him;
overall he made a positive impression on her.
He made her feel that she was the one and only for him,
and this is what made him so irresistible.
Do you remember my girlfriend I told you about?
The problem with her is not the 10 pounds extra on her.
There is nothing wrong with her, either inside or out.
She is simply so absorbed in her career,
in continuously trying to improve herself inside and out,
that she forgets about other people.
So if you want to be attractive to others, be kind.
Pay attention to other people.
Inspire them, and let them inspire you.
And then, even though they may not be able to explain why,
they will feel that you are somehow different, that you stand out.
You are special, you are one of a kind.
So they will want to be in your company again,
and again,
and again.
Thank you for your attention.
(Applause)