Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up,
and they yell the word "surprise"
at the party.
I came home, and you emerged from my furniture.
You don't have to tell me how to feel.
I don't need a hint.
It's not like if you said a different emotion,
then I would feel that instead.
I come home and you're like,
"Confidence!"
"Oh, all right, yeah. Conf--"
Yeah.
Smoking is a big problem.
We can't get people to quit smoking,
and warnings don't work.
I think you gotta change the cigarettes.
You know what I mean?
If you change the shape of the cigarettes,
maybe that would do it.
Like, if you had a cigarette that had, like,
two balls hanging from it.
"This doesn't look as cool as it used to.
I gotta quit. This is ridiculous."
"Surgeon General warning:
cigarette may contain tiny, hairy balls."
When somebody commits a murder-suicide,
that's probably someone
who's not thinking through the afterlife.
"Bam! You're dead.
"Bam! I'm dead.
"Oh, hey.
"Oh, shit.
This is gonna be awkward forever."
When there's somebody who's dead,
and then someone does something
that that person would not have liked,
they say that that person is spinning in their grave,
but I don't understand why they say that.
Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval?
That doesn't make any sense.
I mean, if we showed disapproval
that way when we were alive,
then it would make sense.
"Oh, man, I am so pissed at you right now.
You have no idea how mad I am."
"Oh, shit, Demetri's spinning.
Let's get out of here."
If I lived below a tap dancer,
I would just put really powerful magnets
on the ceiling.
"What's that?
"We're not tapping shit now, are we?
"More of a tap stander we got up there.
"Oh, now we're moving.
"Oh, over to the window. Look at that.
Ah, there we go."
When a Dalmatian sees a cow, he must be like,
"What the hell happened to him?
"I am high right now.
That Dalmatian is fat and smeary."
When the cow sees the Dalmatian,
he must be like,
"He looks amazing.
"I am so out of shape. This is ridiculous.
My tits are on the ground here."
When I first heard the term "training bra,"
I was freaked out.
I was pretty young, and I said,
"Did you just say 'training bra'?
"They're training their chests?
I had no idea."
You see some lady, her boobs are everywhere.
"What's her deal?"
"Those are untrained titties."
"What?" "You've gotta train 'em
"when they're young, or they go wild.
"You can't have free-range boobs bouncing all over the place.
"She was sitting on the couch,
"one just punched her in the face.
She wasn't even moving."
Sometimes, if a woman has a really nice butt,
she'll wear tight pants.
Then everybody looks at her butt when she walks by.
That's nice,
but it seems like a waste.
Everybody's looking there,
I feel like we should put important information
on the butt.
We should put the photos
of missing children right on there.
"Damn!
We gotta find that boy."
I go to the gym, and I try to run on the treadmill.
And I listen to music,
but it doesn't motivate me enough.
So I'm gonna get a recording
of a pack of wolves gaining on me.
People will be like, "Why is that guy crying
on that treadmill over there?"
"I don't know, but he's been yelling 'Help!'
"for, like, 20 minutes.
He's getting a good workout."
When I was in high school, I experimented sexually.
The experiment was to never have sex with anybody,
no matter how hard I tried.
Success!
Hypothesis confirmed.
When you're having sex with somebody,
you can say "yes," or "yeah,"
or "uh-huh,"
but for some reason, you can't say "yep."
"Yep. Oh, yep, baby.
"Yep, yep, yep, yep.
"Indeed!
[cheers and applause]