♪ Zach Morris is trash ♪
(bell ringing)
- [Narrator] It's report card time at Bayside.
Jessie and Kelly's parents gave them gifts for their grades.
Zach plans to bribe his parents into forgetting
their disappointment with his incessant failure.
Lisa's dad gave her the credit card to buy something nice,
but she went bananas, and spent $386.
Zach kicks her while she's down.
Her real friends offer real advice: return the clothes.
Only Lisa can't, because they were on sale.
Zach offers his time tested strategy for shitty behavior.
- Enjoy it, then deny it.
- [Narrator] Lisa's actual friends offer actual advice.
Tell your dad the truth.
Zach says, pay your mom to tell your dad,
and put it all on the card.
The only plan in the room guaranteed
to make all her problems worse at the same time.
Kelly suggests paying her dad back.
Zach says, what about a $400 advance on her allowance,
continuing his hot streak of opposite solutions
rooted in no accountability.
Kelly says she can earn the money.
Zach says, this is a job for Zach Man and Jesus Christ,
does he just wear that all the time?
What a dork.
Zach asks Lisa if she's ready to make some real stacks
all day long.
- How?
- Hey, Lisa.
Sit down, look pretty, and trust me.
- [Narrator] Historically speaking,
nothing good has ever happened after a man says those words.
Zach begins his classroom prostitution empire.
He tells the teacher to write some bullshit on the board,
any bullshit, then greenlights Lisa's first horny client.
Lisa just made one whole dollar.
Only $385 more scarring sexual setups to go
before her debt is paid,
and she can start using those kissing bucks
to pay her extensive therapy bills.
Zach charged a whopping nine dollars
for two greasy nerds to double team her,
sending a clear message,
you can exponentially increase revenue the grosser you go.
Belding has an announcement about the annual charity drive,
but first, time for an earthquake drill.
Screech, emboldened by the many tickets Zach sold him,
harasses Lisa when they should be preparing
to survive a life or death scenario.
Lisa can't believe Zach would do this
without talking to her.
(audience laughing)
- I feel so, so cheap.
- Lisa, you're not cheap.
You made $36.
- [Narrator] Zach's already scumbagging
at a 12th grade level.
But Zach's not done selling Lisa out to perverts.
He says if she wants to make that proper bread,
she'll need to ditch the clothes,
and a great first step is selling the stuff she wears.
Zach has Screech rig every locker with her worn garments,
and kicks things off at maximum creepacity by selling
this teenager's lingerie to her most persistent,
unwanted admirer for two dollars.
Screech leaves to smellsturbate.
Zach slings shoes, wigs, anything you can use
to jack and sniff.
But when Belding almost discovers his stinky sale,
Zach has Slater distract him by saying
he wants to wear women's clothing.
Now Slater's cutting class to lie about his nonexistent
gender identity issues.
Zach's debased auction continues
by parading Kelly in swimwear.
When this unsurprisingly attracts a horde of degenerates,
Zach says he'll be buying it himself,
because he's a gentleman, and the only guy allowed
to strap that thing to his face like a snorkel.
Belding gets a call, interrupting Zach's orchestrated
sham combo, and catches Zach red handed.
Zach rats on Lisa under no pressure,
but Belding misunderstands
and thinks Lisa's donating these threads.
Zach takes no responsibility and gives away
all of Lisa's valuable stuff.
Zach says they only made $53, selling boots to sickos,
so Lisa had to do something more degrading
than getting sex trafficked and selling her underpants
for 75 cents: work a real job.
Lisa's tables are not tipping well,
and don't respect her, because they paid to violate her
hours ago, and now know what her feet smell like.
Zach tells her to stop being lazy,
and go get that loot.
Unable to gain control of her rude customers, Lisa quits.
Slater, a true friend, leads the gang
to work together to help her.
Looks like Lisa will be able to pay her dad back,
as long as Zach sells all those clothes.
Yeah, about that.
Zach says Belding thought they were donations,
and he couldn't tell him the truth.
He's allergic to it, but Zach's already scheming away
to un-donate the clothes to charity.
Lisa does not agree to Zach's plan
to rob the needy, and says she will finally confess.
Zach tries to talk her out of this madness.
Lisa thanks Zach for the fun day of sex work
and losing all her belongings,
but she is retiring from the game.
Lisa tells her dad everything.
He says, okay, sucks, but we're rich, so who cares?
Let's go hit Sizzler.
Only Lisa can't hit Sizzler,
because she is mentally replaying her heinous day,
as she will surely do for many years to come.
She says she earned $153.
Here it is, minus the cut she gave her other daddy.
And Jessie and Zach deliver some last minute dough.
Zach had Screech sell his body to science.
He'll put anyone on any corner.
It does not matter to Zach.
Then he does some awful prop comedy.
Does he just carry that around?
What a dork.
Let's review.
Zach Morris saw his friend in trouble,
and did nothing but put her down,
and offer her ways to make it worse.
Then, without any discussion,
sex trafficked her all over school one dollar at a time,
and sold her worn apparel to known deviants,
and when he got caught, gave everything away,
the antithesis of what he promised to do,
then put her down again, when she tried to do things
the honest way, in a work environment made untenable
by his wanton dehumanization,
then planned to steal back charitable donations
and did everything in his power to keep this innocent girl
from doing what she should've just done in the first place,
leaving her traumatized for life.
Zach Morris is trash.
♪ Zach Morris is trash ♪
(bell ringing)