WELCOME TO THE "LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
WITH ALL THE EXCITEMENT OF THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION, WE
HAVEN'T BEEN FOCUSING ON WHAT CONGRESS HAS BEEN UP TO.
SO LET ME BRING YOU UP TO SPEED: NOTHING.
AND WE'RE REALLY FEELING ALL THAT NOTHINGNESS NOW
THAT THE SUPREME COURT IS BACK IN SESSION WITH ONLY EIGHT
JUSTICES AFTER THE PASSING OF ANTONIN SCALIA.
FOR A RECORD SEVEN MONTHS, REPUBLICANS HAVE REFUSED TO EVEN
GRANT A HEARING TO OBAMA'S PICK, MERRICK GARLAND.
AND EVEN IF THEY DID, HE'D STILL BE A LONG SHOT, BECAUSE NOW HE'S
GOT A SEVEN-MONTH GAP ON HIS RESUME TO EXPLAIN.
THEY'VE BEEN SAYING OBAMA SHOULDN'T GET TO PICK BECAUSE
HE'S A LAME DUCK.
WE SHOULD WAIT FOR THE NEXT PRESIDENT.
BUT WEDNESDAY, TED CRUZ SUGGESTED THAT "THE G.O.P. MAY
BLOCK SUPREME COURT NOMINEES INDEFINITELY," ADDING, "THERE IS
CERTAINLY LONG HISTORICAL PRECEDENT FOR A SUPREME COURT
WITH FEWER JUSTICES."
THAT IS TRUE.
JUST 238 YEARS AGO, WE HAD ZERO JUSTICES.
( APPLAUSE ) I MEAN, WE'VE HAD-- IT'S TRUE.
FACT CHECK IT.
YOU CAN FACT CHECK THAT.
I MEAN, WE'VE HAD NINE JUSTICES FOR THE LAST 147 YEARS, BUT
TED CRUZ IS IN A BAD MOOD, SO DO WE REALLY NEED THREE BRANCHES OF
GOVERNMENT ANYMORE?
( LAUGHTER ) IF NO NEW JUSTICES ARE
CONFIRMED, THE FACT IS, THE GRIM REAPER WILL EVENTUALLY HAVE THE
MAJORITY VOTE.
SO TO STABILIZE THE COURT, CLEARLY, WE NEED TO APPOINT
SUPREME COURT JUSTICES WHO LIVE FOREVER, LIKE JUSTICE GALAPAGOS
TURTLE, JUSTICE REDWOOD, AND JUSTICE RUTH BADER GINSBORG.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.
SOME AMAZING NEWS FROM THE ANIMAL KINGDOM.
RESEARCHERS HAVE DISCOVERED THAT "THE LOUDER A HOWLER MONKEY IS,
THE SMALLER ITS TESTICLES ARE."
AND IF THE TESTICLES ARE REALLY SMALL, THE MONKEY PUTS HIS NAME
ON BUILDINGS AND RUNS FOR PRESIDENT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND I GOTTA SAY, IF A LOUD VOICE
IS A SIGN OF SMALL TESTICLES, I JUST WANT TO SAY TO THE
RESEARCHERS, CONGRATULATIONS ON THIS AMAZING DISCOVERY.
THERE IS SOME LESSER NEWS, SMALLER, MORE FUN KIND OF
STORIES OUT THERE, LIKE THIS ONE.
RUSSIA IS PREPARING FOR NUCLEAR WAR.
THEY MUST HAVE SEEN THE CUBS IN THE WORLD SERIES AND REALIZED
THE END IS NEAR.
RUSSIAN STATE TV JUST RELEASED FOOTAGE OF A COUNTRY-WIDE
NUCLEAR PREPAREDNESS DRILL INVOLVING 40 MILLION CITIZENS.
DO THEY KNOW SOMETHING WE DON'T?
SHOULD I SPEND THE WEEKEND MAKING JERKY?
BECAUSE IT'S NOT JUST DRILLS.
TWO WEEKS AGO, ST. PETERSBURG APPROVED A PLAN TO STORE ENOUGH
GRAIN TO PROVIDE BREAD TO EACH CITY RESIDENT FOR 20 DAYS.
AND THERE'S NO BETTER WAY TO REASSURE THE PUBLIC THAN WITH
THE MESSAGE, "YOU'LL BE AROUND FOR ALMOST THREE WEEKS.
NOW, ENJOY A HEARTY BREAD SANDWICH!"
THE WAR HYSTERIA IS BEING STOKED BY RUSSIAN TV, EVIDENTLY, WHICH
EARLIER THIS MONTH WARNED CITIZENS THAT:
"SCHIZOPHRENICS FROM AMERICA ARE SHARPENING NUCLEAR WEAPONS FOR
MOSCOW."
YEAH, WE'RE SHARPENING OUR NUCLEAR WARHEADS, SO IN CASE WE
LOSE THE LAUNCH CODES, WE CAN SHIV YOU IN THE SHOWERS WITH
THEM.
AND RUSSIA ISN'T JUST PLAYING DEFENSE.
THEY RECENTLY UNVEILED A NUCLEAR WEAPON CALLED THE RS-28 SARMAT
ROCKET, WHICH HAS THE ADORABLE PET NAME "THE SATAN 2."
REALLY, RUSSIA?
DID YOU ALREADY HAVE A "SATAN 1?"
AND YOU COULDN'T COME UP WITH A BETTER NAME THAN "SATAN 2: SATAN
HARDER?" HERE ARE SOME BETTER ONES.
HOW ABOUT THE "THUNDER FISTER?" OR SOMETHING TRULY TERRIFYING,
"THE SAMSUNG GALAXY NOTE 7."
( APPLAUSE ) BUT RUSSIA STILL HAS TIME FOR
SCIENCE.
BECAUSE A RUSSIAN EXPEDITION JUST DISCOVERED A SECRET NAZI
MILITARY BASE NEAR THE NORTH POLE.
THE OUTPOST WAS CALLED SCHATZGRABER, WHICH IS GERMAN
FOR "TREASURE HUNTER," AND NOT THE THING DONALD TRUMP BRAGGED
ABOUT.
( LAUGHTER ) THE NORTH POLE BASE WAS
CONSTRUCTED AS A WEATHER STATION WHICH PROVIDED SUCH VALUABLE
ARCTIC WEATHER REPORTS AS "IT IS WE'RE FREEZING OUR SCHNITZELS
OFF."
FORTUNATELY FOR THE ALLIES, THE BASE WAS ABANDONED AFTER JUST
ONE YEAR BECAUSE "THE STAFF WAS POISONED BY EATING RAW POLAR
BEAR MEAT CONTAMINATED WITH ROUNDWORMS."
HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT: COOK YOUR POLAR BEAR MEAT!
IT'S NOT FURRY SUSHI.
BUT THERE'S AN EVEN BIGGER REVELATION-- I'VE SAID IT TO YOU
MANY TIMES.
BUT THERE'S AN EVEN BIGGER REVELATION ABOUT THE STORY.
A NAZI BASE NEAR THE NORTH POLE?
THAT CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING-- SANTA IS A SECRET NAZI!
THINK ABOUT IT.
HEAR ME OUT HERE.
IT'S POSSIBLE.
HE'S NAMED KLAUS.
HE WEARS SHINY BOOTS.
NEED MORE PROOF?
I DON'T HAVE ANY.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I DON'T WANT TO BELIEVE THIS
ABOUT MY BELOVED SANTA, SO HERE TO ADDRESS THESE ALLEGATIONS IS
KRIS KRINGLE HIMSELF.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME SANTA CLAUS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) PLEASE, RIGHT HERE, SANTA.
SANTA, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU.
SANTA, I HOPE YOU FORGIVE ME, BUT THERE ARE SOME NASTY RUMORS
OUT THERE THAT YOU ARE SECRETLY A NAZI.
CAN YOU PUT OUR MINDS AT EASE?
>> LIES!
ALL LIES!
I AM THE SWEET OLD MAN YOU KNOW AND LOVE FROM YOUR
CHILDHOOD.
>> Stephen: WELL, THAT'S WHAT I WAS HOPING TO HEAR.
I GOTTA SAY, I CAN'T PLACE THAT ACCENT.
WHAT IS THAT?
>> IT'S A NORTH POLE ACCENT.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, YOUR TIME BEFORE BEING SANTA IS A
LITTLE HAZY.
HOW EXACTLY DID YOU COME TO LIVE AT THE NORTH POLE?
>> IT WAS IN 1946.
I COME UP HERE FOR A VACATION, AND I SEE ALL THIS BEAUTIFUL
LAND NEAR THE POLE, AND I SAY, "I MUST ANNEX POLE LAND!"
( LAUGHTER ) IS THERE OKAY, THAT ADD UP.
THAT AS UP.
I'M SO RELIEVED, SANTA.
AND NOW EVERY CHRISTMAS-- >> I FLY THROUGH ZE SKY,
BRINGING PRESENTS FOR THE GOOD CHILDREN
ALL AROUND THE GANSE VELT!
>> SANTA CLAUS, THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
SANTA CLAUS, EVERYBODY.
>> MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!
SAY HI TO JON BATISTE.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU.
WE'VE GOT DREW CAREY!
AND WHEN WE RETURN, I WILL BE BUCK NAKED.
STICK AROUND.