What’s up? It’s Sussan Mourad here with Clevver News
and YouTuber Camryn Clifford recently opened up about her life over the past two months
since the shocking death of her husband, Landon Clifford.
Back in August Camryn Clifford of Youtube Channel ‘Cam&Fam’ shared the heartbreaking news with her
1.5 million subscribers that her husband and the father of their two young daughters passed away.
Landon’s cause of death wasn’t immediately disclosed, but Cam eventually revealed that he
died by suicide at the age of 19 after struggling with addiction, anxiety, and depression.
And before we get into all the details of this story,
I wanted to issue a trigger warning that we will be talking about some of those heavy topics,
so please only continue if you feel comfortable doing so.
Camryn opened up about Landon’s tragic death in a 36-minute
YouTube video titled “My Husband Passed Away / Telling His Story.”
“He said that he was sorry for everything he put me through. It was really hard on me
when I was pregnant and he was heavy in his addiction and he really just wasn’t himself
at that time. He was just apologizing to me for everything. I could tell he was
putting a lot of blame on himself.” Her video quickly amassed more than
11 million views and was flooded with comments sending love and prayers to the Clifford family.
If you want more on that video,
we go into detail about what Camryn said in this Clevver video I linked above for you.
But since she shared her story, Cam has understandably taken time to mourn privately
and hasn’t posted any updates on YouTube until recently.
She broke her silence in a new video titled “Life After Losing My Husband”
and she discussed how she and her daughters are coping with their loss.
Camryn started off by thanking fans for the outpouring of love and support their
family has received since she shared their story.
She said that she wouldn’t have been able to be as strong as she has been
without all the people in her life, including their fans.
But despite how strong she’s been able to be,
Camryn revealed how challenging these past two months have been since she lost her husband.
“It feels like yesterday but it also feels like a lifetime ago
because it really was a whole different life. My life is completely different from the one
that I lived with Landon and I’m gonna miss that life, cause I loved that life with him.”
Camryn went on and explained that she is learning to love her new life for the sake of her daughters
who have a whole life ahead of them, so she’s trying her best for them.
But Landon’s passing is still weighing heavily on her each day.
Cam revealed that Landon is the first person in her life that she’s ever lost. She’s never
lost a grandparent, a parent, or a friend, so she had no idea how to cope with this type of grief.
“It was really hard but at that point I was still just so numb. When you go through
something like that the numbness just kind of takes over. Instinctually your brain just
won’t let you feel that much pain at once. It is too much for one person to take on.”
Cam said that after they celebrated Landon’s life with an intimate funeral,
she moved back in with her mom for a few weeks before finding an apartment with her sister.
Cam said her sister has been a huge help for her during this extremely challenging time.
She said quote, “Obviously this has been the hardest time and trying to cope with the loss
of the love of my life while taking care of two kids -- there's days where it is so hard to get
out of bed sometimes. But Delilah needs to eat. And Collette is asking me to make her pancakes
and someone has to do it. And in times like that, I am really thankful for my sister.”
Camryn also explained that people keep saying to her “I can’t imagine how you must feel right now”
and she herself couldn’t imagine it either.
She said that she sat and wondered for a while if she was ever going to be ok,
but she’s learned that she just needed to do her best for her kids.
“But you just wake up the next day
and you’re there and there’s kids to take care of and things to do and it hurts and I miss him
and I’m definitely not ok but I’m alive and I value life so much more now.”
Cam said that everything she’s been through really
made her realize how much Landon gave of himself to their family.
With tear filled eyes, she said quote, “It really makes me appreciate all that Landon did for us.
He was so helpful, he loved being a dad out of everything.
Like he just really loved being a dad. He was so good at it.”
Camryn also explained how their two year old and 5 month old daughters have been coping.
She said that they are too young to really understand, but she plans on having a
conversation with them about what happened to their dad one day when they are older.
For now, Camryn said that their two year old daughter Collette
will point to a picture of Landon and say "daddy."
Cam also said that Collette gets confused by her
Build-a-Bear that features a recording of Landon's voice.
“She’ll click the button and it’ll say I love you Collette in his voice and she knows his voice
and she’ll say daddy? And she’ll look around.”
Camryn said that Collette’s age is a blessing and a curse
because on one hand she worries that she won’t remember her dad, but at the same time she’s
glad that she doesn’t have to go through the pain that Cam is feeling right now.
And as for how Camryn has been coping,
well she has taken up painting, exercising, and writing poetry.
But she has found that speaking with mental health professionals has been the most helpful.
And she wanted to encourage her viewers to please seek help if they need it.
Camryn said quote, “No matter how bad things get matter,
how horrible it all seems, no matter how overwhelming it is, there's a light at the
end of the tunnel. You can get through it and it's not for nothing -- it's growth.”
And we couldn’t agree more. Thank you for being brave enough to continue to
share your story Camryn, it has already helped so many people.
We’ve linked some resources down in the description in
case you or someone you know needs them.
And we are sending all of our love and prayers to Camryn,
Colette, Delilah, and their entire family as they continue to grieve their loss of Landon Clifford.
Also, please feel free to share some support down in the comments below for the Cliffords.
I’m your host Sussan Mourad, I’ll see you next time.