WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN TEACH.
HEY -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
-- QUICK QUESTION -- HO HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND?
( LAUGHTER ) I CERTAINLY HAD AN INTERESTING
ONE, BECAUSE SOME OF MY STAFF HAD A MEMORABLE ONE.
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED: LAST WEEK, I HEARD FROM MY OLD COLLEAGUE,
TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG.
TRIUMPH OFFERED TO GO TO D.C.
AND INTERVIEW SOME CONGRESS PEOPLE TO HIGHLIGHT THE
JANUARY 6 HEARINGS.
I SAID, "SURE, IF YOU CAN GET ANYONE TO AGREE TO TALK TO YOU.
BECAUSE -- AND PLEASE DON'T TAKE THIS AS AN INSULT -- YOU'RE
A PUPPET."
( LAUGHTER ) WELL, HE DID.
DEMOCRATIC 'AND' REPUBLICAN CONGRESSPEOPLE AGREED TO TALK TO
TRIUMPH.
HE'S A BIPARTISAN PUPPY.
HE'S SO NEUTRAL, HE'S NEUTERED.
( LAUGHTER ) TRIUMPH AND MY FOLKS SHOT FOR
TWO DAYS IN CONGRESSIONAL OFFICES ACROSS THE STREET FROM
THE CAPITOL BUILDING.
THEY WENT THROUGH SECURITY CLEARANCE, SHOT ALL DAY
WEDNESDAY, ALL DAY THURSDAY, INVITED INTO THE OFFICES OF THE
CONGRESSPEOPLE THEY WERE INTERVIEWING.
THAT'S VERY IMPORTANT.
YOU HAVE TO INVITE TRIUMPH IN.
( LAUGHTER ) HE WORKS ON 'DRACULA RULES.'
( LAUGHTER ) END OF DAY TWO, THURSDAY
EVENING, AFTER THEY'D FINISHED THEIR INTERVIEWS, THEY WERE
DOING SOME LAST MINUTE PUPPETRY AND JOKEY 'MAKE-EM-UPS' IN A
HALLWAY, WHEN TRIUMPH AND MY FOLKS WERE APPROACHED AND
DETAINED BY THE CAPITOL POLICE.
WHICH ACTUALLY ISN'T THAT SURPRISING.
THE CAPITOL POLICE ARE MUCH MORE CAUTIOUS THAN THEY WERE, SAY, 18
MONTHS AGO, AND FOR A VERY GOOD REASON.
IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT REASON IS, I KNOW WHAT NEWS
NETWORK YOU WATCH.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SO, THE CAPITOL POLICE WERE JUST DOING THEIR JOB, MY STAFF WAS
JUST DOING THEIR JOB.
EVERYONE WAS VERY PROFESSIONAL.
EVERYONE WAS VERY CALM.
MY STAFFERS WERE DETAINED, PROCESSED, AND RELEASED.
A VERY UNPLEASANT EXPERIENCE FOR MY STAFF, A LOT OF PAPERWORK FOR
THE CAPITOL POLICE.
BUT A FAIRLY SIMPLE STORY.
UNTIL... THE NEXT NIGHT, WHEN A COUPLE OF 'THE TV PEOPLE'
STARTED CLAIMING THAT MY PUPPET SQUAD HAD, "COMMITTED
INSURRECTION AT THE U.S. CAPITOL BUILDING."
# FIRST OF ALL, WHAT?
( LAUGHTER ) SECOND OF ALL, HUH?
( LAUGHTER ) THIRD OF ALL, THEY WEREN'T IN
THE CAPITOL BUILDING.
FOURTH OF ALL, AND I'M SHOCKED I HAVE TO EXPLAIN THE DIFFERENCE,
BUT AN INSURRECTION INVOLVES DISRUPTING THE LAWFUL ACTIONS OF
CONGRESS AND HOWLING FOR THE BLOOD OF ELECTED LEADERS, ALL TO
PREVENT THE PEACEFUL TRANSFER OF POWER.
THIS WAS FIRST DEGREE PUPPETRY.
HI-JINKS WITH INTENT TO GOOF.
MISAPPROPRIATION OF AN OLD "CONAN" BIT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S REALLY CONAN'S FAULT, YOU KNOW.
NOW, IT'S PREDICTABLE WHY THESE TV TALKERS ARE DOING THIS.
THEY WANT TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING OTHER THAN THE
JANUARY 6 HEARINGS ON THE ACTUAL SEDITIONIST INSURRECTION THAT
LED TO THE DEATHS OF MULTIPLE PEOPLE, AND THE INJURY OF OVER
140 POLICE OFFICERS.
BUT DRAWING ANY EQUIVALENCE BETWEEN
RIOTERS STORMING OUR CAPITOL TO PREVENT THE COUNTING OF
ELECTORAL BALLOTS AND A CIGAR-CHOMPING TOY DOG, IS A
SHAMEFUL INSULT TO THE MEMORY OF EVERYONE WHO DIED, AND OBSCENELY
TRIVIALIZES THE SERVICE AND THE COURAGE THE CAPITOL POLICE
SHOWED ON THAT TERRIBLE DAY.
BUT WHO KNOWS...
MAYBE THERE WAS A VAST CONSPIRACY TO OVERTHROW THE
GOVERNMENT OF THE UNITED STATES WITH A RUBBER ROTTWEILER.
( LAUGHTER ) AFTER ALL, THURSDAY NIGHT, THE
NIGHT THEY WERE DETAINED, WAS THE 50TH ANNIVERSARY OF THE
WATERGATE BREAK-IN.
ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THAT WAS A COINCIDENCE?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YES.
( APPLAUSE ) WE ALL KNOW THE LONG HISTORY OF
PUPPET LAWLESSNESS.
"THE GREAT MUPPET CAPER."
THE "FRAGGLE" RIOTS OF THE 1980'S.
WHO CAN FORGET WHEN "KOOKLA, FRAN, AND OLLIE" WERE HAULED
INTO THE CHARLIE MCCARTHY HEARINGS.
AND HOW DO YOU THINK KING FRIDAY CAME TO POWER IN THE
NEIGHBORHOOD OF MAKE-BELIEVE?
WITH THE BACKING OF THE HEAD OF HIS SECRET POLICE:
HENRIETTA PUSSYCAT.
"MEOW MEOW ATTACH JUMPER CABLES TO YOUR NIPPLES, MEOW."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT, IN THIS CASE --
( APPLAUSE ) IN THIS CASE, OUR PUPPET
WAS JUST A PUPPET DOING PUPPET STUFF.
AND, SAD TO SAY, SO MUCH HAS CHANGED IN WASHINGTON THAT THE
CAPITOL POLICE DO HAVE TO STAY AT HIGH ALERT ALL THE TIME
BECAUSE OF THE ATTACK ON JANUARY 6.
AND AS THE HEARINGS PROVE MORE CLEARLY EVERY DAY, THE BLAME FOR
THAT ACTUAL INSURRECTION ALL GOES TO PUTIN'S PUPPET.
( APPLAUSE ) SPEAKING OF THE THING WE SHOULD
BE SPEAKING ABOUT, THE JANUARY 6 HEARINGS START BACK UP TOMORROW.
AND THAT IS NOT GOOD NEWS FOR FORMER PRESIDENT, 'PHONEY
SOPRANO.' ( LAUGHTER )
TOMORROW, THE COMMITTEE IS FOCUSING THEIR INVESTIGATION ON
HIS CAMPAIGN'S SCHEME TO SEND A SO-CALLED, 'ALTERNATE GROUP OF
ELECTORS' IN STATES BIDEN HAD WON, AND HAVE THOSE FAKE
ELECTORS DECLARE THEMSELVES THE RIGHTFUL ELECTORS AND SUBMIT
FALSE ELECTORAL COLLEGE CERTIFICATES.
DID THEY THINK THAT WAS GONNA WORK?
WHY DIDN'T THE FORMER PRESIDENT JUST SHOW UP TO THE INAUGURATION
IN A JOE BIDEN MASK AND TRY TO FOOL JUSTICE ROBERTS INTO
SWEARING HIM IN AGAIN.
(AS JOHN ROBERTS) "WAIT, WHICH ONE'S THE REAL JOE?
YOU'LL HAVE TO FLIP A COIN.
'FAT JOE,' YOU CALL IT!" ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERING )
NOW, THE HOUSE COMMITTEE SAYS THEY HAVE PROOF THAT THIS PLAN
WENT ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP, AND THE FORMER PRESIDENT HIMSELF WAS
INVOLVED.
WHICH EXPLAINS WHY ONE OF THE PROPOSED ELECTORS WAS AN ONION
RING IN A WIG.
( LAUGHTER ) THE FORMER PRESIDENT WAS DOWN IN
NASHVILLE THIS WEEKEND, AND HE TRIED TO DOWNPLAY HIS FAILED
COUP: >> AS TO WHAT HAPPENED ON
JANUARY 6, IT WAS A SIMPLE PROTEST, IT GOT OUT OF HAND.
AND I WILL SAY ONE THING THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT.
THEY NEVER SHOW THE SIZE OF THE CROWD.
I BELIEVE IT WAS THE LARGEST NUMBER OF PEOPLE I'VE EVER
SPOKEN TO.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> STEPHEN: WHO CARES ABOUT THE
SIZE OF THE DAMN CROWD?
THAT'S LIKE JEFFREY DAHMER SAYING:
"I KNOW I MURDERED A BUNCH OF PEOPLE, BUT LOOK AT HOW MANY
LEFTOVERS I HAVE.
( LAUGHTER ) REALLY, IT'S JUST A POTLUCK THAT
GOT OUT OF HAND.
( LAUGHTER ) SPEAKING OF WHICH, IF YOU'RE
HUNGRY, THERE'S SOME LEFTOVER HAND."
WH( LAUGHTER ) THEN THE FORMER PRESIDENT MOCKED
MIKE PENCE FOR FOLLOWING THE CONSTITUTION.
>> MIKE PENCE HAD ABSOLUTELY NO CHOICE BUT TO BE A HUMAN
CONVEYOR BELT.
HE IS A HUMAN CONVEYOR BELT.
HE HAD NO CHOICE, NO MATTER WHAT THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HE
COULD DO.
I SAID, "WELL WHAT IS HE, A ROBOT?"
I ACTUALLY CAME UP WITH THE WORD CONVEYOR BELT."
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: NO, YOU DID NOT.
YOU'VE KNOWN THOSE WORDS FOR YEARS.
IT'S HOW YOU EAT DINNER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TURNING TO THE ACTUAL PRESIDENT,
IT WAS A BIT OF A BUMPY WEEKEND FOR JOE BIDEN.
HE WAS IN DELAWARE CELEBRATING HIS 45TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY
WHEN HE HAD A LITTLE WHOOPSIE-DAISY.
THERE'S FOOTAGE, BUT BEFORE WE SHOW IT, JUST KNOW THAT
EVERYONE'S FINE.
JIM?
( SHOUTING ) >> Stephen: OH!
AND DOWN GOES FRAZIER!
( LAUGHTER ) THE ONLY THING FALLING FASTER IS
BITCOIN AND JOE'S APPROVAL RATING.
( LAUGHTER ) ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
HEY -- READ THE PAPER.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, AS EMBARRASSING AS THAT
MIGHT BE, THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME A PRESIDENT'S TAKEN A FALL
ON VACATION.
WE ALL REMEMBER WHEN BUSH TRIPPED OFF HIS SEGWAY OR WHEN
COOLIDGE BURNED HIS NIPS ON THE PRESIDENTIAL SLIP AND SLIDE.
JOE BIDEN WAS QUICK TO BLAME THE FALL ON THE BIKE'S
TOE CLIPS.
>> OH I'M GOOD YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
I KEEP ON TAKING THESE THINGS OFF.
I GOT MY FOOT CAUGHT IN IT.
>> STEPHEN: WHICH EXPLAINS BIDEN'S NEW SLOGAN:
BUILD BIKE BETTER.
( LAUGHTER ) SURE.
WHY NOT?
( APPLAUSE ) ONE PERSON WHO WEIGHED IN ON THE
INCIDENT, WAS THE FORMER PRESIDENT, WHO MENTIONED THE
MISHAP IN HIS SPEECH THAT NIGHT NEAR MEMPHIS, AND THEN MADE THIS
PROMISE: >> I MAKE THIS PLEDGE TO YOU
TODAY -- I WILL NEVER EVER RIDE A BICYCLE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: OH, WE KNOW.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS SENATOR
CORY BOOKER.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, ANOTHER INSTALLMENT OF MY TECH SEGMENT:
CYBORGASM.
STICK AROUND, Y'ALL.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )