Please welcome Diane Keaton.
[APPLAUSE]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
I kissed her ear.
And you're dancing.
Look, first of all--
They're not going to stop playing the music.
[CHEERING]
How long does the music go?
As long as you stand up.
[CHEERING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
When is it going to stop?
Stop the music.
Because you were standing up.
OK, wait a second.
She was like, why won't the music stop?
Yeah, I didn't know that if you sat down, it stops.
Because you were dancing--
But I didn't mean to, I mean, the music was going.
Right and--
This is your fault.
They were following, yes of course, it's my fault.
It's all your fault.
You are so fabulous, I can't stand it.
No, I think I went a little bit too far today.
But, on the other hand.
No, you didn't.
No, no.
What did you bring me?
Yeah, I got you a gift.
Yeah, should I open it?
Well do you want to?
I mean, I don't want to embarrass you.
Well, is it going to embarrass me?
I think so, yeah.
So you brought it on television for me to open.
You're special, for you.
You were wearing something like this, the other night.
Was I?
A polka dot item.
You were.
You were wearing a polka dot dress.
I like a polka dot.
'Cause you're fabulous.
You got a problem with opening presents?
Well--
She's not too bright.
Poor Ellen.
Now look what Aunty Di got you.
What did you get me?
Look what I got you.
I have a matching one!
In black!
[CHEERING]
Let me show you how tiny my head is.
Your heads tiny?
Tiny.
A little tiny thing.
Tiny, tiny head.
Yeah, but you're cute.
I don't think it's going to fit.
I think it's going to fit that tiny head of yours.
This is the smallest.
Like--
Oh my gosh--
[CHEERING]
You're looking
good.
And you're the city of flight.
So are you, the city of flight too.
I don't know what it means, but hey.
Who cares.
Obviously, it means something.
We should know what we're wearing.
Do you want some wine?
Oh, I do actually.
She's got-- she's got, it's her own wine.
Seriously, I'm so happy.
Do you want your red or do you want your white?
I want the red, please.
I don't want to mess around.
I mean, she's got her own wine.
Oh, thank you, that's quite enough Ellen.
Ellen!
Oh my god, no Ellen.
Oh my god.
Thank you so much.
All right.
Here we go.
Bono and the Edge are here.
Are you excited?
Mr. Bono.
Yeah.
Mr. Bono and Mr. Edge are here.
Am I excited?
Are you fans of--
What do you think?
Yeah.
Do you think he'd be interested in me?
Which one?
Mr. Bono.
Well, he's married, so I don't know.
Oh, that doesn't matter.
I'm fine with that.
I don't care.
Would you want to date-- have you dated a musician before?
I have not dated a musician, no.
Would you want to date a musician?
Yeah, I'd like to.
What do you think my chances are though, seriously.
You thing Bono is going to come up to me
and say, Diane can I date you?
I don't know.
Like I said, he's married, so I don't know.
I don't know.
Well, that gets in the way, but not much.
All right.
I said that before, but you know, I mean it.
Would you want to be on the road?
Do I want to be on the road?
Yeah, because you'd have to be on the road, they tour a lot.
No, I don't want to do that.
No, no.
Bono has to come to me.
All right.
There's certain requirements.
You can't give too much for these guys.
No, you can't, because they like it when it's hard to get.
You can't just be available.
When it's hard to get?
What are we talking about?
That's too dirty.
Too dirty?
To dirty.
Let's talk about the movie.
It's called "Book Club", and it's
about some women who have a book club,
they read "Fifty Shades of Gray",
and it changes their lives.
Have you read "Fifty Shades of Gray"?
You're asking me, right?
Yes.
I'm the one you're asking.
Yes.
No.
No, I'm afraid to do it, because honestly it's too-- you know,
it gets too--
Dirty?
Yeah, that's it.
Dirty.
It's the dirty word.
I don't want to go there.
It's too exciting.
You did a movie about it.
You weren't curious to know what--
you hadn't seen the movie or anything?
No, no, no, no.
I did not see the movie.
I don't want to go there.
It's not dirty.
It's sexual but it's not dirty.
It's like--
It's too much for me.
It's too much.
It's too exciting.
All right.
That's exciting.
Do you like it?
Did you see it?
I did see it, yes.
And what was your opinion, sexually?
Well, it's not my cup of tea.
Anyway, I'm going to ask you some questions 'cause
you're so honest, all the time.
So be honest.
I'm going to try.
These are questions I've never asked you before.
OK, fine.
A celebrity you'd like to take on a road trip.
You, of course.
I'd go for that.
You and I should--
we should do it.
Yeah, we should.
A song you sing in the shower?
Oh, yeah.
You know what I sing?
What?
(SINGING) It had to be you.
It had to be you.
I wandered around, and finally found, that somebody who.
So sad.
[LAUGHTER]
I love it, though.
It's an old song.
It's a really quiet song in the shower.
I just can't-- (SINGING) It had to be you.
It had to be you.
Three places--
Am I bad at the questions, let's get real.
Right now, so far, bad.
Three places you'd like to touch a man.
Oh well, now we're talking.
I would like to touch a man inside his mouth.
[LAUGHTER]
That's one.
I would like to touch a man in an area, special.
The area where the man is happy.
[LAUGHTER]
That's two.
Where's the third one?
I would like to touch a man, just anywhere at all.
[LAUGHTER]
Here have some more.
"Book Club is in theaters everywhere this Friday.
We'll be right back.
Diane Keaton.