Hey this is Clayton and I got a question recently from a woman who was struggling with a certain
thing that she continues to do in all of her social interactions.
And that she's looking for some advice on it.
And it's something that's so common, I wanted to make a video on it because I think a lot
of you will be able to relate to it and get some value from this video.
So, here's the question: “Hey Clayton, I'm having a dilemma.
I feel very compelled to be too nice with everyone to a point that it feels almost fake.
I am a genuine in my expression of care and interest in the person but after a while it
almost seems exhausting when I don't get good reciprocation.
I then feel unworthy and I feel like I have the other person has no interest in me.
I've tried with much success being as real as possible, meaning being significantly less
enthusiastic and sweet as I used to give off in my first impression and I've noticed that
people are much more willing to carry on a conversation with me this way.
Why is that my real problem is trying to remain in a state of not giving a crap about how
an interaction goes?
Because the less I care the more of a connection I end up getting which is really confusing
sometimes.
I feel so compelled to revert back to my old patterns of being too nice when interacting
with someone of higher status as well.
So how do I release this intense need of mine to control the dynamic of my daily interactions?
I've struggled with this forever and sometimes it gets to me so much it ruins my mood for
days.
Please help me.”
Well first of all you've got a great level of awareness and that says a lot about you.
The fact that you are aware that this is a tactic of trying to control the interaction,
you're already taking steps in the right direction.
And what really is going to solve this problem, what is going to allow you to, let's just
not even say solve this problem, but what's going to allow you to transcend this pattern
and perhaps begin to show up in interactions in a new way is going to be a greater awareness
of what's actually happening married to acceptance of what's been happening as well and I'll
explain that in a second.
So, it can be really easy when we notice these behavior quirks that we've got in life to
judge them, to shame them, to reject them and to become really at odds with ourselves
because we don't feel like we have control over them.
And ironically the way to keep a behavior that you got that is on autopilot or that
is happening unconsciously, the way to keep that stuck within you and continue to operate
is to continue to resist it, to continue to fight it, to continue the shame and reject
it because as you are doing that you actually support it and keep it in place.
Now what some people do is they get so at odds with that pattern that they finally make
it efficient.
I say, “Alright.
I'm going to just not give a crap anymore.
I'm not going to care about anything and that reaction might look like I don't give a crap
now in social interactions with people.
But see that can end up coming off as a try-hard strategy as well because secretly it is still
in reaction to another part of yourself that feels inauthentic.
So, the point of reference for that new behavior is one that you're rejecting within yourself
which actually just breeds more inauthenticity.
So, the solution or the way to begin to transcend this is to find somewhere in the middle because
I'm not necessarily sure if you are really caring what people think so much that you're
being inauthentic that the solution is suddenly to let go of everybody's approval and just
to stop giving the crap all together because that just seems like it's inauthentic to a
part of you that is possibly core as well.
So, the way to begin to move into a place where you can be more creative and you can
actually connect with people in a way that seems authentic, that not just seems off anything
excuse me that is authentic, is the first step is to realize that you are not alone
with this pattern.
You are not alone.
You are not the only person that is suffering from this affliction.
This is a human problem.
It's not a personal problem.
And the reason I say that is because when people suffer from these things in isolation,
the amount of judgment and the amount of resistance to them can be overwhelming.
So sometimes just realizing that you are actually in a pattern that many people struggle with
is one way to get a little bit more flexibility in there and give yourself the benefit of
the doubt and realize that this is a human problem not a personal problem.
The second step is to begin to look for the positive intention of this behavior.
So, what I mean is that it's very easy to judge this when we think, “well I'm just
looking for validation.
I'm trying to control the interaction.
I'm being inauthentic.
I'm trying to lie to the person.”
I mean that's a very hard thing to accept about yourself because that is what you are
ultimately doing – trying to lie to the person or trying to control the interaction.
And it can be very easy then to shame and reject that, however, let's go a level deeper,
you're most likely trying to control the interaction for what?
What would control the interaction give you?
Well I know that, in my past I've struggled with something similar, and I know that what
I was actually doing in the past as I was trying to feel safe.
I was trying to feel safe that if I somehow can control the other person's impression
of me that I could finally give myself permission to relax if I knew that they liked me if I
felt validated.
Now that's a very different intention than trying to lie to the person or trying to control
the interaction but rather I realize that, “Oh there's a part of me within this interaction
that is actually just trying to feel safe.
And how I'm trying to feel safe is a strategy that seems like it's limiting my authenticity.
Do we really want to do that anymore?”
So already there's a little bit more curiosity.
There's a little bit more awareness of what's actually happening which can begin to loosen
things up a bit.
[05:58] Another positive intention for this type of behavior could be that in the past
it has allowed you to connect to someone or feel validated or feel like you belong to
a certain group of people.
Many times, these behaviors come from our past.
They come from when we were little kids and performing or feeling like we need to be someone
that we’re not was a way that we were able to ensure our belonging to our mom or dad
or our social circle when we were kids, and most likely it actually worked that it actually
did give us the connection and gave us some validation, allowed us to feel like we belonged.
And now what we are experiencing as you get older and more aware of some of these patterns
that have been installed in the past is you become in touch with the limitations of them
and how perhaps they are robbing your interactions of the authenticity.
And as you can look in the past and begin to see that this was a solution at one point
to a problem that did serve a purpose and it was effective at one point perhaps you
can begin to thank the pattern for being there.
And actually, see that it did serve a purpose and it's not here trying to sabotage you.
It's not here trying to hold you back from life but rather it's just got its own little
positive intention that it's been trying to put forth and meet your needs in these ways
that seem outdated.
Now another reason why people may try to control someone else's impression of them is because
they have an inability to control their own anxiety in the interaction internally.
So, they are feeling that they need to control their own emotional state by managing the
other person's emotional state outside of them.
So, again the positive intention is managing my own anxiety through some external means
rather than actually slowing down and possibly managing it with me first.
So, that step two is finding the positive intention and as you begin to unwrap and unpack
this positive intention you can have a little bit more compassion for what's happening and
you can start to see that this strategy or way of being is not actually trying to hurt
you, it's not trying to sabotage your relationships, it's not trying to hold you back in life,
it's just outdated it was there serving a purpose.
It did a great job at getting you to hear your hearts beating you're still alive and
it has served you up until this point and now it is time to upgrade it.
And then the last step which is something that I did just in YouTube to which is beginning
to identify where it did come from.
Identifying that a younger version of you adopted and created this strategy as a solution
to a problem when you were younger.
Many of the clients that I've worked with who have this type of patterning may have
had critical parents or a critical parent where they felt like they had to be somebody
in order to get the love from them, that they were – didn't feel good enough the way that
they were so that they had to somehow put on an act or they had to manage some type
of image in order to get approval from the parent.
And in many cases, that actually worked and then that the installation of that program
stayed with them as they got into their adult years and they still continued to do that
unknowing that it actually came from their past and it's something that they've been
doing all along.
So, when you can see that it came from the past you can again have a little bit more
acceptance around it and realize that it was a solution to something that happened to you
and it did a great job at getting you to where you are now, to where you are alive, where
perhaps you haven't been out casted by your family and you still belong in many ways.
And that begins to loosen the grip of this pattern to where you can then begin to enter
into interactions with people from a place of curiosity.
So, when you are in an interaction, when you feel that begin to come up this pattern of
perhaps wanting their approval, this pattern of being too enthusiastic or being inauthentic,
rather than immediately judging it and resisting it which then just hold it tighter in place,
you can begin to have a little bit more curiosity around.
And say, “Oh there it is again.
Got it.
I'm looking for connection right now.
I understand I'm trying to feel safe.
Oh okay.
Got it.
I'm feeling anxious right now.
I'm trying to manage the other person so I can deal with my own anxiety,” and then
once you've gotten to the core there and you can really see the core of what's happening,
you can say, “Okay well what might be a better strategy for me to manage my own anxiety?
Is there a way that I can connect with myself before interacting with this person?
Maybe I need to go into the bathroom and take a couple deep breaths and tell myself I'm
okay and that I love who I am and I completely accept who I am right now.”
And then I can go back out there with a greater sense of curiosity knowing that perhaps what's
coming up is just a younger version of myself in this interaction that's being triggered
and with that awareness and with that levity in that curiosity and almost like a playful
attitude towards something that is within you.
It loosens up the grip.
It allows you to love it more and when you begin to love those parts of yourself that
you perhaps have been rejecting up until now you give yourself permission to fully begin
to let go of them, to fully begin to upgrade them and to release the limitations that they
have put on you up until now.
My name is Clayton Olson and if you enjoyed this video please like it.
Please add a comment below.
If there's anything you want to add or ask a question about and if you are someone that
is struggling from something similar or you have some type of pattern that you are aware
of in your life that continues to repeat itself and you feel like you have no control over
it, I want you to feel free to reach out to me individually.
I'll add my email below in the description box.
These are the types of clients that I love working with.
I love working with these types of problems as I do for a full-time career is helping
people overcome and upgrade these automatic patterns that come from childhood that seem
to be running their life.
So, I wanted to put that out there as an invitation to you if you're looking for some help.
And again, I hope you enjoyed this video and I look forward to speaking with you in the
future.