- [Narrator] Seeking Secrets is a social experiment
where strangers share honest and complex truths.
We ask that you treat the participants with respect.
Thank you for listening to their stories.
- [Woman] My grandpa died two years ago and I laughed
because he abused me when I was a child.
- Um. (intense music)
(phone ringing)
- [Woman] You died, later.
She died. - I hope one day
I can see him again.
- [Woman] When it comes to death, for me at least,
I've always been very fearful of it ever since I was younger
and not so much of death, but the afterlife
because there's so many different religions and beliefs,
and it was very scary to me to not know which was for sure.
When I was 16, my dad was murdered
and I just didn't feel, and to this day,
I hardly feel a spiritual connection to him after he passed.
So that kinda freaks me out too
because maybe there is reincarnation
and that's why I don't feel their spirit or their presence.
I don't feel that much pain after a week of losing someone.
- Well, she talked about kind of losing her dad,
which really I guess, struck a chord with me
just because I lost my dad.
She said at 16 and I lost my dad at 15.
When she said that she didn't feel a lot afterwards.
Typically when I think of someone losing somebody,
I think of somebody going through all the emotions.
- [Woman] When did you let yourself
start feeling those feelings of loss?
- Honestly? (laughs)
Sometimes I'm stuck at denial,
but it's only because I haven't let myself think about it.
When my grandma passed, it was like,
okay, you have to focus on getting into college.
Grandpa passed, it was still like, okay, you're in college,
you have to keep going, you can't fall behind.
And then with my mom the same thing.
And if I take that moment to sit and really think
and let my emotions come out,
I'm scared that I'll be stuck there.
- [Woman] Hi, I just wanted to talk really quick
about my grandma.
She just passed away and it is a tremendous loss.
When all of us were going through her items
and deciding who would get what,
and seeing family members fight over different things.
It just felt really, really gross and icky.
And we just felt like vultures, almost.
- That one actually hit really close to home right now.
My grandmother's still alive.
She's at that age where she's really old already.
We're actually thinking about
what would happen to her things.
And it sucks that a lot of it's
probably gonna get thrown away.
My grandfather passed away pretty suddenly,
and him and I were like best friends.
When he passed away, my grandma got rid of everything.
I couldn't get anything from him.
I have one article of clothing of his
and a little oxygen tool that he used for his oxygen mask.
Like I have that, but that's, that's it.
Seeing family and friends fight over material things
when someone had just passed away, that shouldn't matter.
I wouldn't wanna give away her things.
'Cause I think about it too, 'cause she has so much stuff.
And I'm actually really not ready to lose her.
I'm sorry, I love my grandma.
- [Woman] When I was 19, my mom was a heavy drinker.
Ended up taking a lot of pills
that were legal, that were given to her
for her back pain and various reasons.
The sad part is she was a functioning mom, and alcoholic,
and you know, drug addict.
Then one day she just spiraled and moved out.
I was so mad at her that I wanted her to die.
And I figured if she was gone, life would be easier
and there would be less stress.
And two months later she died.
And the worst part about it is I wanted her gone so badly,
and then when she was finally gone,
it wasn't what I wanted at all.
- Wow.
So my mom actually had an alcohol problem too.
Just initially hearing that,
I was immediately like triggered by it.
I was like, "Oh," and then just hearing what she had to say.
I related to a lot of it,
not necessarily with the hopes
that my mom would go away more, so I would say the opposite.
I lost my grandparents and I feel like
that kinda made her spiral a little bit,
so she was drinking a lot.
That's what ultimately, you know, killed her.
Yeah, hearing that definitely.
Yeah. Very similar stories I would say
- In 2020, my mother passed away
and ever since then it's only really been my dad and I.
He has a lot of like anger issues and he gets cranky a lot.
He gets mad if you don't do one thing for him.
There are also other things he's done
before my mom passed away,
so there's just a lot of pent up anger
I also have towards him.
Wishing death upon a person is very strong,
but there have been times where I have
probably felt that way towards my father.
- [Woman] My grandpa died two years ago
and I laughed because he abused me when I was a child.
- I've always wondered
what it would be like when my dad passes.
I don't speak to him anymore because he was very abusive.
Doesn't matter if they're family, if they abuse you,
I mean, I don't know if I would laugh when he passes.
It's sad when anyone dies,
but I don't even know if I'd be sad,
which is really sucks because he is my dad.
I really miss the relationship we used to have.
- I don't really know what to say.
I bet she just has this huge weight lifted off her shoulders
that she doesn't have to face this person anymore.
I'm guessing because that was grandpa, she saw him a lot.
I'm angry that she was abused and she was hurt.
And not saying they deserve to die in any way.
I hope she can heal from that.
And if that brings her closure, then good.
- [Woman] This November, I found out I was pregnant.
And at 12 weeks we found out that we were having twins.
And at that same appointment we found out
that our little girl was dead.
Our boy twin survived, but I just know
that everyone wanted a girl and I couldn't keep her alive.
I have been pregnant five times with six children
and I have only brought two into this world.
I miss her every day.
I miss all my babies every day.
- I have been pregnant three times
and I have one son that's alive here today.
I got pregnant at 19 and with my then husband
and I was eight months pregnant,
and I went to the hospital and they told me
that they didn't hear a heartbeat.
And so she was a stillborn, so I still had to give birth
and go through the whole process.
And I very much relate to that.
You know, still feeling that pain
that was in 2018, and when 2022 now.
If there wasn't something wrong with me that that happened,
that's my body that maybe just the whole chain of events
wouldn't have happened.
- Society has put on so much pressure for women
to make sure that a pregnancy all goes full term.
I couldn't imagine all those losses
and all that guilt that weighs on her.
And so I would tell that mom, please don't punish yourself
for something that is out of your control
because I know you would keep that child healthy
as long as possible and forever, if you could.
- [Woman] When I was, I wanna say nine,
my great uncle passed away.
Most people aren't super close
with their great uncles, I guess, but I was.
The last time I saw him, we had got in an argument
'cause I was really young at the time
and I was throwing stuff and he got really mad at me.
I just said, "I hate you."
And I've always regretted it.
I hate myself for saying that.
I miss him dearly.
And yeah, I love you uncle Jack.
- When you're little,
you don't realize the weight that your words hold.
She was like eight, nine years old.
She didn't like expect that to happen
after she said that she hated him.
I just really wish she didn't hate herself
'cause she didn't know.
- When my sister passed, it was so unexpected.
She was perfectly healthy.
And I didn't think the day that I last talked to her
would be the last day I talked to her.
Feeling like you didn't get closure
from the last interaction you had with them.
I mean, it's, it's really devastating.
- My mom and I are more like best friends
than we are like mother and daughter 'cause we're so close.
There have been times where I'll like scream at her
and tell her I hate her,
and I don't want to talk to her anymore.
And I've only seen my mom cry like three times in my life
and I saw her cry after an argument we had.
It was one of the three times,
and that's when I knew that shouldn't have said that.
Really hurt her feelings.
- [Woman] I am a very religious person
and I had a great grandfather
who I never truly knew if he believed in the Lord or not.
And there was this one time where I had a chance
to speak to him about it.
And I remember sitting there
and just having this pounding in my chest
saying, "Say something, say something about it."
And I never did.
And then a week later he passed away.
And I fear that I could have been
his only door into salvation if he hadn't found it already,
and I let it pass me up.
- I can relate to that.
I also grew up Christian.
I know that feeling of wanting and craving everyone
that's close to you to have that connection
and that relationship with God that you do.
I think in a way that there is
this sense of guilt within the church.
You're taught that if you don't believe in it,
you're condemned to hell.
Kinda similar to what she said of feeling like,
"Oh I could have been that salvation for him,"
but that's not up to us at the end of the day.
That's a choice that her grandfather made.
You know, that's something that if he was at peace with,
that's not something she should have changed.
I think that she should be at peace knowing that
wherever her grandfather did go is where he intended to be.
(calm music)