are you a high-performing athlete do you
strive for excellence and test the
limits of your own endurance if so
you're the ideal candidate to drink our
flavored solution of salt sugar and
water if you're not an elite athlete a
regular diet of salted sugar water may
contribute to obesity or high blood
pressure but we'd still like you to
drink it as the elite athlete market
alone is too small to support our
business a solution of salt sugar and
water is also helpful if you have a
hangover extreme diarrhea or just want
to feel marginally less guilty about
drinking a soda we promised our flavored
solution of salt sugar and water will
temporarily satisfy your obsolete
caveman brain's insatiable desire for
sweets that's because it contains the
same amount of sugar as a can of coke
and enough salt to kill a banana slug
and only Horton brand combines three
secret ingredients with pitch and flavor
names for a placebo effect you can taste
we also put words on the bottle that
seemed connected to the idea of health
but actually made sugar and salt
words like electrolytes fuel power
vitamin and cooled dirt I made up that
last one anyway here's someone running
on a treadmill attached to sensors this
does an excellent job of illustrating
the type of thing that is not a part of
our process most professional athletes
today don't even drink salted sugar
water unless we pay them to you'd think
they wouldn't need the extra money but
they've ruined their bodies for your
entertainment and must take what they
can before their spines degrade into a
fine
yeah kind of chalky Horton flavored
solution of salt sugar and water this
year there's a purple one called
Panther rain that's what I call a slam
dunk and Roger with the pen yeah
I'm Roger by the way actually three
Jesus