Alright, now, when I was a kid,
board games were a big source of entertainment.
And like most households,
we had a whole cabinet full of board games when I was growing up.
But I think it's safe to say that some board games are better than others.
So what I'm gonna do today
is go through and grade all the board games I had as a kid,
from the really-really great games
all the way down to the turds of disappointment.
First up The Game of Life.
Now, Life is a pretty good game, I have to say.
The only problem I have about it is that it's not very realistic.
Every space on the board was like,
Climb A Mountain and Adopt A Puppy, Collect $40,000!
Like, what the hell is that? That's not real life!
Where's the Game of Real Life at?
You need spaces with real life situations,
like Income Tax Return,
Collect Nothing Because of your Backed Child Support!
or Overdrafted Your Bank Account Because You Were Drunk On Amazon.
Don't Do Shit For The Next 7 Turns!
The Game of Life is fun, but it's fake as hell.
So I'll give it a B-.
Next up - Sorry.
Now, Sorry is a fantastic game.
Any game where you can screw over your friends
automatically makes it a great game.
You draw that Sorry card, all of a sudden you turn into a little bastard.
"Oh well, fuck you, Michael, and the horse you rode in on!"
Knock his piece out to the kitchen and shit,
what's not to like about it?
You can be a dick all you want,
and you don't even have to apologize,
because the goddamn game does it for you.
Sorry gets a B+, keep it up, you're doing great.
Next up, SCATTeRGORIeS.
Also known as an anxiety attack in a box.
Now, the concept of SCATTeRGORIeS is simple enough:
you roll a die with a bunch of letters on it,
and then boom, pop quiz time!
All your answers have to start with the letter R.
But then you've got to watch out for the assholes,
That get a little too liberal with their answers.
"Okay, food that starts with the letter R,
what do you got, uncle Rick?"
"Uh, really yummy spaghetti?"
"God damn it, Rick, what kind of bullshit answer is that?
Jesus Christ, no wonder why your wife left you, for that garbage man in Seattle."
SCATTeRGORIeS gets a... well, we'll give it an R
for a really shitty board game.
Next up, Mouse Trap.
Now, Mouse Trap was a pretty fun game, right?
Now I'm asking the question, "Was Mouse Trap fun?"
I wouldn't know, because I didn't have
a fucking bachelor's degree in engineering to set the damn thing up.
It took longer to set up the goddamn Rube Goldberg contraption,
than it did to actually play the game.
You had potential, Mouse Trap,
Maybe if my fucking SAT scores were a little higher, I could enjoy you.
You get a D+, let's move on.
Next up - Yahtzee.
Alright, now, I'm gonna probably piss some people off here.
But Yahtzee blows ass.
I don't know, whose crackhead uncle came up with the game,
but it's loud and it's boring,
And half the time you're just staring at your memaw for 45 minutes,
while she contemplates going for a fucking full house.
"Make a move, Grandma, your time is running short!
Just take the chance and let's get it over with!"
Yahtzee gets an F, I don't care.
Next up - Boggle.
Oh cool, let's do homework, that sounds fun.
Fuck Boggle, it gets an F as well.
Next one - Clue.
Now, I have to admit, I only played clue like maybe two times when I was a kid.
And I really remember is something about a candlestick,
and Mr.Green looked like my fucking 6th grade math teacher.
Clue gets a D,
just like I got in my 6th grade math class.
Next up - Trouble.
Now, trouble is a terrible game, plain and simple.
It's just a shittier version of Sorry after all
with an equally shitty bubble popper that barely even works.
(*POP!*) Four!
"God damn it, roll something besides a four!"
(Thud!)
"It's still four."
God damn it, I'm getting pissed off just thinking about it.
Shitty Sorry gets an F, let's move on.
Uno, technically a card game, not a board game,
but you're not my dad and you can't tell me what to do.
Now everybody relax, I think Uno is a fantastic game.
Once again, it's a game that you can screw over your friends,
what's not to love?
I mean, even if you're getting your ass beat,
and you're struggling to hold your 47 cards over there,
it still feels good to slam down that Wild Draw four, now, doesn't it?
"Boom, Draw four, kiss my ass!"
"Michael, what the hell, you're holding like half the deck in your hand,
you don't have a blue card!"
"That's none of your goddamn business.
Now pick up 4 cards!"
"God damn it, well, what color do you want?"
"Oh, I don't know, how about blue?"
"It was blue to begin with, god damn it, are you serious?!"
The only problem that I do have with Uno
is that it sucks ass playing with just two people.
You can screw around and win the game in just one turn.
"Skip,
skip,
reverse,
skip again,
reverse,
Draw four,
Uno,
blue seven!
I win."
"What the hell just happened?!"
So we'll go ahead and give Uno a B,
and if you're playing with just two people,
it gets two Draw twos and a Go Fuck Yourself, how about that?
Next up - Scrabble.
Now, I like the game of Scrabble,
or let me rephrase that,
I used to like the game of Scrabble,
until I played it with my wife.
Because my dumb ass will be over there staring at the board for 45 minutes,
"Uh, there we go, uh, Poptarts, 12 points!"
And then 5 seconds later my wife pumps out some bullshit word,
like, "Oh, this one's easy!
X-I-B, xib!
It's a word from Kenya, it means orangutan.
Triple letter, tripple word, 84 points."
So like Uno, we'll give Scrabble a B,
and if I'm playing against my wife,
it gets 3 Draw twos and a Go Fuck Yourself.
Now, you might be sitting there like,
"Wow, this guy fucking complains a lot!
Is he ever gonna grade any board game with an A?"
Well, you bet your ass I'm gonna!
And if it's not obvious already, that game is Monopoly.
Now, I've already made a whole video about me playing Monopoly as a kid,
and now as an adult, it's pretty much the same thing.
The only difference is that every game starts out with a warning from my wife.
"Don't fucking trade with Tyler!
He's gonna rip you off and the game is gonna end,
don't trade with him!"
Now, do I really rip people off in Monopoly?
Well yeah, you bet your ass I do!
That's the whole point of the game!
But is it fair that I have to get fucking embargoed the whole game
just because of who I am?
I don't think so, but it doesn't matter.
Because in the end somebody always cracks.
I'll toss up a trade with somebody,
and I'll pretend that it's an even better deal for them than it is for me.
"Hey Bobby, I see you got that hunk of shit Kentucky Avenue.
You see, I was thinking about trading these two railroads for it,
because well, I'm just making too much fucking money with them."
"Don't do it, Bobby, it's a trick!
He's gonna have all the reds!"
"Bobby, relax, it's me, the Devil, you can trust me on this."
"Uh, no, I don't think it's a good idea."
And that's the end of it, I back off after that.
But what happens is,
Bobby's little punk-ass thimble lands on my railroad like 14 times,
and all of a sudden things start to change.
"Oh shucks, another 50 dollars for me,
boy I bet you wish these railroads were yours."
"Don't do it, Bobby, stay strong!"
"Uhhh, oh, I can't do it anymore!
You still want to trade for my Kentucky Avenue?"
"I accept your offer." (Evil laughter)
"Uh, okay, I'll take 12 houses on the reds..."
"God damn it, Bobby!"
(Whew-shattering glass)
https://brewstew.com
https://patreon.com/brewstew
Thanks for watching, everybody, just a quick reminder,
the Brewstew Squishy Plush Toys are only available until August 23rd,
so if you want to get one of those bad boys, there's a link in the description,
or you can click on the clicky thingy.
https://brewstewstore.com/