♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE.
HELLO, JON.
>> Jon: HEY, WHAT'S HAPPENING?
WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THAT SONG WE WERE HEARING COMING OUT OF
THE BUMPER THERE.
>> Jon: THAT'S CHICK CORIA'S "SPAIN."
AMAZING SONG.
>> Stephen: JON, DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE ALIENS THAT THE HEAD
OF THE ISRAELI SPACE AGENCY HAS SAID THAT ALIENS ARE REAL AND
THEY'RE IN THE UNITED STATES AND IN ISRAEL, AND THEY JUST CAN'T
TELL US ABOUT THEM YET BECAUSE WE'LL FREAK OUT.
WOULD YOU FREAK OUT IF YOU FOUND OUT THERE WAS A GALACTIC
FEDERATION?
>> I MEAN, I ALREADY BELIEVE IT.
HAVEN'T YOU SEEN "MEN IN BLACK" WHEN HE GOES TO THE CONVENIENCE
STORE, AND THE GUY'S SELLING THE STUFF, AND HE'S THE ALIEN
UNDERNEATH.
I BELIEVE IT, MAN.
>> Stephen: PEOPLE TELL ME I'VE SEEN "MEN IN BLACK," BUT I
CAN'T REMEMBER.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Jon: WELL, I-- I'LL TELL YOU AFTERWARDS, THEY HAD A THING
-- >> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE ANY
MUSH FOR OUR ALIENS OVERLORDS, JON.
>> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS.
THE OVERLORDIANS.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: SURE.
THAT'S EITHER FOR THE ALIENS, OR MR. ROGERS' LAND OF MAKE
BELIEVE.
>> Jon: YEAH!
>> Stephen: IT'S A FINE LINE, A FINE LINE.
JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY, THANK YOU, JON.
>> Jon: YES, INDEED.
>> Stephen: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU KNOW,
I SPEND A LOT OF TIME SELECTING THE MOST TOPICAL EAMES CHAIRS,
AND UP-TO-THE-MINUTE SOUND SYSTEM, THEN CLEANING THE
FLOOR-TO-CEILING WINDOWS IN THE "ARCHITECTURAL DIGEST"-WORTHY
BACHELOR PAD THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, I TAKE A TRIP DOWN THE RAILROAD
TRACKS, TREK BAREFOOT TO A RUSTY METAL HATCH IN THE SIDE OF A
CULVERT, CRACK OPEN A JUG OF MOONSHINE, AND SIT BACK AND
RELAX IN THE ABANDONED NICKEL MINE OF NEWS THAT IS MY
SEGMENT: "QUARANTINE-WHILE."
QUARANTINE-WHILE, THE WORLD OF INTERNATIONAL ATHLETICS IS ABOUT
TO GET-- I WANT TO SAY, FLY?-- WITH THE NEWS THAT "BREAKDANCING
HAS BECOME AN OFFICIAL OLYMPIC SPORT FOR THE 2024 GAMES IN
PARIS."
FINALLY!
WE'RE GOING TO SEE WORLD-CLASS ATHLETES BUST OUT THE OLYMPIC
BOOGALOO, JUST LIKE THE ANCIENT GREEKS DID.
EXCEPT THEY'D BE ALL NAKED AND GREASED WITH OLIVE OIL.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, "IKEA WILL STOP PUBLISHING ITS ICONIC
CATALOG AFTER 70 YEARS OF DOING SO."
AT ITS PEAK, 200 MILLION COPIES OF THE CATALOG IN 32 DIFFERENT
LANGUAGES WERE DISTRIBUTED WORLDWIDE.
THOSE ARE INSANE PUBLISHING NUMBERS.
THE ONLY THING THAT'S EVER DONE BETTER IS "HARRY POTTER AND THE
UNBUILDABLE EKTORP."
QUARANTINE-WHILE, CELEBRITY CHEF GORDON RAMSAY IS OPENING A NEW
RESTAURANT IN LONDON THAT WILL SERVE A $106 BURGER.
FOR THAT PRICE, THE BURGER BETTER COME WITH A SIDE OF
FRIES AND $100.
ACCORDING TO AN OFFICIAL STATEMENT, THE NEW RESTAURANT
PLANS TO "PROVIDE A TASTE OF AMERICA."
LET ME STOP YOU RIGHT THERE, GORDO.
AMERICA DOESN'T TASTE LIKE A $106 BURGER.
AMERICA TASTES LIKE A 99 CENT VALUE MEAL THAT YOU BUY AT A
DRIVE-THROUGH THEN JAM IN YOUR FACE SO FAST THAT YOUR TONGUE
NEVER HAS THE CHANCE TO COMMUNICATE TO YOUR BRAIN THAT
YOU'VE EATEN.
DIPPED IN RANCH.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, MONOLITHS HAVE BEEN HOGGING SO MUCH ATTENTION
THAT WE'VE BARELY NOTICED THAT DAYS AFTER A LARGE PHALLUS
SCULPTURE MYSTERIOUSLY DISAPPEARED FROM A BAVARIAN
MOUNTAINSIDE, A SIMILAR PHALLUS SCULPTURE HAS APPEARED IN ITS
PLACE.
MOVE OVER, MONOLITH.
HELLO, MONO-DONG.
DONGO-LITH.
THERE IS ONE NOTABLE DIFFERENCE WITH THE NEW PHALLUS SCULPTURE.
APPARENTLY, THIS ONE IS SLIGHTLY LARGER.
IMPRESSIVE.
USUALLY WHEN YOU LEAVE YOUR GIANT PHALLUS SCULPTURE ON A
COLD BAVARIAN MOUNTAIN, THEY TEND TO GET SMALLER.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, CZECH POLICE ARE SEEKING HELP AFTER A DEER
TURNED THE TABLES ON HUNTERS AND SNAGGED A PURSUER'S RIFLE ON HIS
ANTLERS BEFORE RUNNING AWAY.
ANOTHER HUNTER LATER SPOTTED THE DEER ABOUT A KILOMETER AWAY,
STILL CARRYING THE GUN.
A SCARY SIGHT, TRUE, BUT A FANTASTIC SEQUEL TO "BAMBI."
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN CANDLE NEWS, CUSTOMERS ARE SLAMMING
YANKEE CANDLES FOR BEING SCENTLESS, WITH SOME OBSERVERS
SPECULATING THAT COVID HAS RAVAGED THE CANDLE-LOVING
COMMUNITY-- YES, IT'S A COMMUNITY-- WITHOUT THEIR
KNOWLEDGE.
IF YOU CAN'T SMELL A YANKEE CANDLE, SOMETHING IS DEFINITELY
WRONG WITH YOUR NOSE.
THESE THINGS ARE NOT SUBTLE.
THE GENEVA CONVENTION FORBIDS SUBJECTING PRISONERS OF
WAR TO CRANBERRY CHUTNEY.
ONE NEGATIVE REVIEW READS, "I PURCHASED THREE OF THESE.
WHAT A WASTE.
THERE'S VIRTUALLY NO SCENT TO THESE AT ALL!
IF I WASN'T CONFINED TO MY HOME BECAUSE OF COVID, I WOULD RETURN
THESE FOR SURE."
"NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, IT'S TIME FOR ME TO EAT A STICK OF
DEODORANT ON TIKTOK.
NOT SURE WHY I CAN DO THAT NOW, BUT I'M SUING TOM OF MAINE!
LIKE AND SUBSCRIBE!" I WAS IN CHARACTER JUST THEN.
SO, CLEARLY, COVID IS DISRUPTING THE SCENTED CANDLE SCENE.
BUT WHERE SOME SEE A CRISIS, YANKEE CANDLE SEES AN
OPPORTUNITY.
JIM?
>> NOW THAT COVID-19 HAS ROBBED MANY AMERICANS OF THEIR ABILITY
TO SMELL, HERE AT YANKEE CANDLE, WE FIGURED WHAT BETTER TIME TO
UNLOAD SOME OF OUR EXPERIMENTAL FACTORY REJECTS?
IF YOU CAN'T SMELL ANYTHING, YOU'LL LOVE YANKEE CANDLE'S NEW
PANDEMIC AROMAS, INCLUDING EMPTY SUBWAY CAR, BATHROOM
SPONGE FANTASIA, AND FACE MASK BURP.
WE'VE GOT A WAREHOUSE CHOCK-FULL OF THESE TERRIBLE-SMELLING FREAK
CANDLES, AND EITHER WE SELL THEM NOW, OR EAT THE COST.
SO, IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO HAS CORONAVIRUS, THEY MIGHT ENJOY
TEENAGER'S PILLOWCASE, COMIC-CON HOTEL, AND HOARDER'S SECRET.
LISTEN, WHEN YOU'RE MIXING THIS MANY CANDLES AND SCENTS
TOGETHER, SOMETIMES YOU GET A WINNER, AND SOMETIMES YOU SUMMON
A DEMON WHO WILL TURN YOUR NOSTRILS INTO THE NINTH CIRCLE
OF HELL WITH SCENTS INCLUDING JULY OUTHOUSE, MICROWAVED COD,
AND RANDY QUAID.
YANKEE CANDLE.
( GAGGING )
WITH THE HOSTS OF "SLATE POLITICAL GABFEST," JOHN
DICKERSON, EMILY BAZELON, AND DAVID PLOTZ.
♪ ♪ ♪