WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE THAT THERE ARE ONLY SEVEN MONTHS LEFT IN
THE OBAMA PRESIDENCY.
YOU NEVER KNOW HOW MUCH YOU'RE GOING TO MISS A GUY UNTIL YOU
SEE THE OPTIONS.
AND A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE WONDERING WHAT BARACK OBAMA WILL
DO AFTER HE'S PRESIDENT.
THERE'S A LOT OF SPECULATION.
I READ TODAY THAT HE IS THINKING ABOUT BECOMING A VENTURE
CAPITALIST IN SILICON VALLEY.
OBAMA'S A PERFECT FIT FOR SILICON VALLEY.
HE'S A NERD WHO GOT WAY MORE POWERFUL THAN ANYONE IN HIGH
SCHOOL EVER IMAGINED.
SO, EVIDENTLY, OBAMA IS GOING TO BE GOING FOR THE CASH.
GOOD FOR HIM.
BUT HE MAY HAVE TO MAKE A SLIGHT ADJUSTMENT TO HIS POSTER FROM
"CHANGE" TO "KA-CHING!" ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) WHY NOT?
NOW, COMPARE OBAMA'S POST- PRESIDENTIAL PLANS TO JIMMY
CARTER, WHO FAMOUSLY TOOK A LOW-PAYING CONSTRUCTION JOB.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY'RE STILL MAKING THAT MAN WORK.
HE'S 91 YEARS OLD!
LET HIM RETIRE, POOR PEOPLE.
SUB-SAHARAN AFRICA, SO SELFISH.
LISTEN, HEY, THAT'S NOT ME.
THAT'S JIMMY CARTER THEY'RE ABUSING.
OF COURSE, WITH OBAMA ON THE WAY OUT, BY LAW, SOMEONE ELSE HAS TO
MOVE IN TO THE THE WHITE HOUSE.
AND IT COULD BE PRESIDENT TRUMP.
( AUDIENCE BOOING ) >> Stephen: MAKES ME EXCITED,
TOO.
TRUMP IS MAKING A REAL EFFORT TO APPEAR MORE PRESIDENTIAL THESE
DAYS.
YESTERDAY, HE WENT TO A PENNSYLVANIA RECYCLING PLANT
WHERE HE UNVEILED PART OF HIS ECONOMIC PLATFORM.
AND INSTEAD OF WEARING HIS TRADEMARK BASEBALL CAP, HE STOOD
IN FRONT OF A GIANT PILE OF GARBAGE.
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S THE PLAN.
HE'S GOING TO REVIVE THE ECONOMY BY TURNING IN EMPTIES FOR THE
REFUND.
( LAUGHTER ) IN MICHIGAN, WHERE IT'S 10 CENT.
MICHIGAN FANS HERE.
OR RECYCLING FANS.
I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE.
( APPLAUSE ) NOW, IN THE WAKE OF BRITAIN'S
EXIT FROM THE E.U.-- THE BREXIT-- TRUMP OUTLINED HIS PLAN
FOR A TRUMP EXIT, OR TREXIT.
>> NUMBER ONE, I AM GOING TO WITHDRAW THE UNITED STRAIGHTS
FROM THE TRANSPACIFIC PARTNERSHIP.
>> Stephen: HOLD ON, HOLD ON ( LAUGHTER )
DID I-- DID HE JUST SAY "UNITED STRAIGHTS?"
>> Jon: YES, HE DID.
WELL, YOU HEARD HIM, STRAIGHT PEOPLE.
TRUMP IS NOW DEMANDING A HETEROSEXIT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS ) ♪ ♪ ♪
THAT'S ME.
BYE, BYE!
OF COURSE, THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN HAS HAD MONEY PROBLEMS LATELY.
HE STARTED JUNE WITH AN ALARMINGLY LOW $1.3 MILLION.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GO AAH!
THE MAN SAYS HE HAS $10 MILLION AND YOU GO AAW.
YOU ARE THE NICEST PEOPLE WHO SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO VOTE.
THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN IN RESPONSE TO THESE LOW NUMBERS HAVE AMPED
UP THEIR FUNDRAISING, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE
THEY MAY HAVE GONE OVERBOARD-- AND OVERSEAS.
BECAUSE MEMBERS OF THE BRITISH PARLIAMENT HAVE BEEN GETTING
REPEATED E-MAILS FROM TRUMP ASKING FOR MONEY.
OOH... JUST FIVE DAYS TOO LATE.
AND THE BRITISH MPs ARE NOT HAPPY TO RECEIVE THESE E-MAILS.
NATALIE McGARRY, A SCOTTISH MEMBER OF PARLIAMENT, WROTE
TRUMP BACK, SAYING: ( PRIM ACCENT )
"QUITE WHY YOU THINK IT APPROPRIATE TO WRITE.
E-MAILS TO U.K. PARLIAMENTARIANS WITH A BEGGING BOWL FOR YOUR...
REPUGNANT CAMPAIGN IS COMPLETELY BEYOND ME."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THEN SHE WHIPPED OUT HER WAND
AND CRIED, "EXPECTO GO-BITE-ME!" NOW, I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY
THEY'RE COMPLAINING.
BECAUSE I'VE GOT ONE OF TRUMP'S SPAM EMAILS RIGHT HERE.
"HELLO, SEX FRIEND, LOOKING TO MAKE AMERICA COUNTRY AGAIN
GREAT.
PURR WITH DELIGHT.
MAKE LADY AMERICA GO WOW, WOW, WOW, BIG TIME!
CITIZEN ENJOY LOVELIEST PRESIDENT.
PLEASE DONATE WITH PLEASURE.
TRUMP 2016.