John if you got a mascot yes I have
Jimmy I've been married a year now Oh
congratulations I know nobody think of
her it occurred to me that I've nailed
it I'm really good at it
so I've released a book to help other
people who might not be as good to be
around as I am it's based on the old
adage my books called how to be John
Richardson in the parlor John Richardson
in the kitchen and a horror in the
bedroom it's not really John Richardson
in a bedroom - it's a sort of everyday
guide on just how to sort of think and
behave really so there's a lot on tan
dryers that you might find in pub the
best hand dryers are of course if you
want to see the fat on your hand ripple
rate of course which chains it for all
of us but now they get that well in the
bottom of dirty water that you don't
rely on a touch though if you put a bay
leaf in it mmm transforms into lovely
consomme
they're sort of how to walk down the
street guide they're sort of how many
points you would get for standing on
each crack here we've got three grids
here so you'd have to make sure if he's
still on the first two he didn't stand
on the third one is that what you would
walking down that Street that's what you
would do well what I would do in this
street Jimmy and I'm glad you asked use
this middle line here I would just walk
down that and then I know a I'm
gonna it's quite a long stride for me
that but if I can hit a crack each time
I know when I get to the end we're still
be a crack in or a crack out but I'll
leave it absolute comes with a few
you've got to sort of try and flooded
the market I want you to get the sales
so I've got a year's supply of condoms
or as I call them Robert Jones an extra
supplement Israel on how to load the
dishwasher
still quite a long way behind as a
society on that one
I've brought luck all that stationery
this is the DDT I've had this
custom-made double desk tidy everything
I need for an episode of countdown on it
highlighted a if I get a 9 or in case
yawns here need to go it over
all colored pen therefore your notes I
take these with me on gigs so you plan
your material with the black ink your
ad-libs going green ink your air is
going red ink and you blues just a
backup black you don't really need that
shatterproof ruler
you got mascot yeah I've messed up a bit
though because I brought a mascot that I
thought would wind John up and throw him
and psych him out and completely mess
with his head
and put him off for the whole game right
yeah and then it backfired because I got
put on his team well we have to see the
mascot well no we don't was part of the
show I know it's part of the show but
it well but it's gonna mess him up
but he's on my team oh he'll be all
right
he wouldn't mess with his head like
really bad it's just a really untidy
disordered cutlery drawer
well we need you've given me something
to do they're just what this is gonna
look by the end I've separate its you
know I can just do that
watch me go mental
apples all over again it'd be difficult
for John's girlfriend to date someone
with OCD every time she gets turned on
John turns off again podcasts of course
podcasts are brilliant for anyone who
enjoys radio but hates all that annoying
quality control about yourself and John
what do you think John you're more of a
Scrabble sort of dumb guy than I am
yeah I had a potent Scrabble obsession
as a teenager and I played a few ex
champions did you have a girlfriend in
your teenage I could find girlfriend if
the letters were arranged Atlas is also
bilingual yeah well she's my first
language so I'll be on stream in Welsh
because he can't say new first language
off Jim you used to live with with odd
John Richardson didn't you yeah I lived
with John for a year and is there
anything we can do to help when we first
met John he was living in a bedsit in
Bristol and may I just say it was the
cleanest bedsit I or even in Somerset
social services have ever seen
then we moved in together a group of
comedians into a shared house but John
was not quite used to sharing yet so it
was a negotiation about mass in which we
would sort of go about our normal
routine and John had these let's just
have an anecdote for an anecdote deal
you tell this story and then daddy will
tell us yourself as daddy I'm a child
it's now legally accurate
get these little out of nowhere you'd be
doing something and a little northern
passive-aggressive commentary would
start just start up CB in the kitchen
and suddenly this voice would go oh
right is that where we keep the Coco
Pops now
[Applause]
what did we use to keep the toenails job
did we used to I'll give you a clue
Jimmy Oh cutting his toenails into the
mugs speaking John once in a fit of
pique was very frustrated with himself
and like a lot of us do wanted to take
that out on a mug however what John
brought to that was he was so worried
about the mess it would make he wrapped
it in a tea towel
okay John have you gone mascot yes well
it's a chance to plug my latest project
I've written an erotic novel based on my
own life
it's called deep-clean aren't there some
I mean I'm I'm a fan of erotic fiction
all down the street they could hear the
screaming coming from the bathroom
harder harder she cried
you'll never shift that limescale like
that
in the dimly lit bathroom he stood naked
except for his clothes holding his hand
his pulsating wet toothbrush all clean
he declared scuttling into the bedroom
that smells nice she purred as he
emptied the bottle into his hands and
began massaging the soft flesh of her
shoulders good he said and it's also
killing 99.9% of all the bacteria on
your back all Carrick's remembered it
when he finished he stripped off slowly
making two neat piles of light and darks
are you gonna tie me up she asked no he
laughed sarcastically I'm gonna let you
wander around the house willy-nilly what
I'm trying to do it over in my garage
[Applause]
all right here we go John when you lived
in a flat with Russell what was the
worst thing you ever did to your
flatmates oh well that would be the time
I got so tired of cleaning the flat that
while they were out I tidied the flat
and then left them an itemized bill for
my time
at minimum wage I don't want to
overcharge the guys doesn't happen for
free unusual thing about your body
someone's touched it my chest hair is
sort of roughly heart shape
if it's your match calm profile will
decision okay that will do I mean for
weirdness I also have a little Mole just
in there great people really hate it
because they go you've got a bit of
chocolate and I go no it's a mole and I
got you see why it's really gross all
right listen tit okay so what are we
gonna go for the chest air chest hair
yeah okay weird Shane you shaved it like
that do you like a soft Care Bear okay
last question when you live with Russell
what was his most annoying habit well
undoubtedly I mean he's got a thing for
teaspoons
he likes to borrow them away as if
there's gonna come some sort of
apocalypse and teaspoon teaspoon will be
the only currency and he will be king of
all the worlds
his most annoying habit is that he
flosses the skin in between the toes of
his feet with his socks in the front
room
see you know when you turn a snow globe
upside down when John live with you what
was your most annoying habit that oh I
tell you what it might be whatever
you're about to say you still do I used
to scratch my feet with socks and and
John didn't like it nobody liked it very
badly for athlete's foot skin off his
feet onto the carpet of the living
normally the only letters Jordi's get
are the ones from bailiffs be very
careful people I don't you don't know
anyone
nah not really deep down