(upbeat music)
(audience laughing)
- Has anyone in here ever been (bleep)?
(audience laughing and clapping)
I'm serious. I'm serious.
Has anyone in here ever participated
in the munchy, munch, munch, munch?
(audience applauding and giggling)
'Cause they celebrating you right now.
They are celebrating you in Boston right now.
(audience cheering)
Lord!
(audience applauding)
Listen, listen, I know Dr. King went down in history,
but this is not how you show it.
(audience laughing)
And let me tell you something,
even though I'm about to go straight hard on this statue,
I gotta talk to the white people for a second.
(audience laughing)
White people?
You don't need to be saying shit about this statue.
(audience applauding)
You understand?
Black hands only.
You need to sit your ass
in the back of the bus for this one, okay?
You need to honor this statue.
This is our civil rights icon
(audience applauding)
going down on his wife.
(audience laughing)
You show some damn respect!
(audience cheering)
- Okay, black people, what the (bleep) we gonna do?
(audience laughing)
We gotta talk about this.
We gotta talk about this 'cause you know it's messed up
when black people and the Proud Boys hate the same statue.
(audience laughing)
Since "The Daily Show" finally hired a black host,
we can properly celebrate Martin Luther King Day
by asking New Yorkers how they celebrate his legacy.
- [Producer] Actually, the last host was black too.
- Shut up!
Don't interrupt me On Martin Luther King Day.
That ain't cool.
So let's do this.
Do y'all know what today is?
- Eh? We lost.
- We're lost today.
Do you know what day it is today?
- This is Monday.
- What'd you do today?
- Well today we just woke up.
- We just checked out of our hotel.
- Checked out of our hotel.
We're going to go get coffee and we're gonna walk around.
- So which one of those celebrates Martin Luther King Day?
- Well, none of what we've talked about so far.
- Do thirty two push-ups for Martin?
So this ain't reparations, but this is enough.
That's right.
Give me one hand once.
Yeah, that's it.
- What y'all doing to celebrate MLK?
- Came to New York.
- Came to New York?
That's it?
That's all y'all gonna do?
- Saw some shows, ate some food, did some shopping.
- All right, I'm gonna come back to y'all
on Juneteenth and y'all better have done better.
Don't you like when he like, you know
refused to move to the back of the bus?
- Um hm.
I can remember snippets through the world news
- He didn't refuse, that was Rosa Parks.
- Was it?
- Name of famous MLK quote.
- I have a dream.
- And...?
What does he say after that?
- I'm not sure.
- Name of famous MLK quote.
- Oh, uh. - Besides I have a dream.
- Besides I have a dream.
- Um.
- I will pay you
one million dollars
If you could tell me something else
that Martin Luther King said.
- He told his children he loved them.
(women hooting and cheering)
- So.
- Lady, you do not know what he said to his children.
- Can we Google it?
- No!
What the (bleep)?
- I have a dream that one day, that's all I got.
- I have a dream that one day white people
will actually know what's in that damn speech.
Okay, just name five black people.
- Eddie Murphy.
- That's the only black person you know?
Eddie Murphy?
- Byron Leftwich.
- Who the (bleep) is Byron Leftwich?
Byron Leftwich is an NFL, is an offensive-line coach.
- Don't nobody know him.
You just making up names now.
So how you celebrate Martin Luther King?
- Um.
Not too sure.
- So that's what he died for, man?
For you to just be out here
just not doing nothing on this date?
Nah, I'm just kidding you.
You can do whatever you want man, you black!
- We're gonna go see the Lion King.
- Oh, okay.
Its got king in the,
(everyone chuckling)
I mean that's as close as you can get, I'll take it.
- The freedom and liberty to go
about and do what we want to do.
That's our celebration.
- See, that's a quote from a black woman right there.
That's right. She earned that. - Freedom and the liberty.
- She earned that. - To do what we want to do.
That's right.
- Its Lady E's birthday.
- It's your birthday?
How old are you?
- I'm 50.
- What?
That's what I'm talking about, black don't crack
- It don't crack!
- You still need lotion though.
(everyone laughing)
Y'all know who George Santos is, right?
(audience moans)
With his creepy-ass.
(audience laughing)
If y'all don't know who he is
he's the new Republican congressman
who we found out lied about his entire life.
He made up a whole career as a businessman.
He made up that his family was Jewish
and his mom was a victim of 9/11.
Ew.
Do you know how much you have to lie
to be known as the lying congressman?
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
I mean, all these (bleep) do is lie all day.
But when you ask them who is the liar?
They're like, this guy.
(audience chuckling)
Wait till you hear about this shit he did.
- Representative George Santos has allegedly stolen
$3,000 in donations from a
disabled homeless veteran's dying service dog.
Santos allegedly used an alias to con the veteran
and set up a GoFundMe page that would be deleted as soon
as it hit its goal.
And then Santos disappeared altogether.
(audience laughing) (audience groaning 'Ew.')
- Exactly, so you telling me this man
didn't steal $3,000 from a dog.
He didn't just steal from a service dog.
He didn't just steal from a dying service dog.
He stole from a disabled, homeless
veterans dying service dog.
(audience groaning 'Ew.')
Oh my God!
You evil and stupid.
(audience laughing)
You gonna mess with somebody's dog.
Have you not heard of John Wick?
(audience laughing)
Your ass is in trouble, trouble!
(audience applauding)
Mess with no veterans dog.
You know what's so crazy?
This guy is so evil.
I wonder if they put him in there on purpose.
So I can't pay attention to the other evil people.
Anybody got any eyes on Marjorie Taylor Green?
What's up with that bitch?
What is that bitch up to?
She probably got Garfield tied up in her office.
(audience laughing)
I'm serious, like what does this man
have to do to get thrown out of Congress?
He's a (bleep) liar.
Black people don't get believed
when they actually tell the truth.
Barack Obama was like, Hey
I was born in America and people were like.
Bullshit, where's your birth certificate?
And this guy was like
I was a millionaire Jewish volleyball star.
And y'all like, hell yeah!
Put him in Congress!
(audience chuckling)
Sick of y'alls shit.
(audience laughing)
You guys are on TikTok, right?
- [Audience] Yeah.
- Well I got bad news because if you on TikTok
you gotta drop outta college.
Because universities across the country
are banning TikTok from school Wi-Fi
because they're worried that China might be spying on them.
(one audience member chuckling)
Yeah.
And you know what, good.
(audience laughing)
Get these kids off TikTok.
I'm tired of seeing little Ashley's amazing hack
for how to flip grilled cheese in a pan.
(audience laughing and applauding)
You don't think I know how to flip a pan bitch?
(audience laughing)
Or make grilled cheese?
I've been flipping pans and making grilled cheese
since before you were born.
(audience laughing)
So don't talk to me like I'm stupid.
You're stupid.
(audience laughing)
Stupid 24 year old with your dewey (bleep) skin.
(audience laughing)
(bleep) you and your youth.
Okay, well, okay, I think I got off the subject.
I'm sorry.
There's a egg shortage right now because a ton
of chickens got bird flu, which is so
which isn't surprising, you know, because chickens
are freaky little disgusting creatures.
And God, how I love to eat
what they shit out they bird-pussies.
(audience laughing and groaning)
Early in the morning
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering and applauding)
Oh!
I got to say bird-pussies on-air!
(audience cheering)
I love it.
(Leslie chuckling)
But this is serious now, this is serious
because people need eggs so badly.
I think the chickens are gonna start getting real cocky.
(audience laughing)
What's up, bitch?
(audience laughing)
You want these eggs?
What you going to do for me?
I'm gonna tell you what I want.
I want a new barn.
I want an assistant.
I want to fly business class
and an extra-large flat screen
and a PS-5
and one more thing,
sell Sally to Popeyes.
(chicken caws)
(audience laughing)
Bye, bitch!
Damn, America is broke as hell.
(audience laughing)
America is so broke the government might have to
resort to extraordinary measures like
taxing the rich or not going to war all the time.
(audience cheering)
You know, crazy shit like that.
(audience cheering)
But here's my question.
Where the (bleep) is the money going?
(audience laughing)
We don't have anything to show for it.
We got homeless crisis, we got medical bills.
Where is the money going?
You know what?
(audience cheering)
Exactly.
Please, please tell me that Biden has spent it
on developing a Black Panther suit.
We know that women are going through it
but we have to acknowledge
that men are going through it too.
You guys are angry, you're depressed, and you're lonely.
In fact, 15% of men say they have zero, zero friends
and the other 85% they don't have friends either.
But they was too sad to fill out the survey.
(audience laughing)
No friends.
I mean, women got our problems
but we always have some homegirls.
You know what I'm saying?
(audience cheering)
We got 'em, you know?
But men, they have nobody.
So what do they do?
They take all of those emotions
and they bottle that shit up
and then they throw that bottle at the cashier.
(audience laughing)
Now, luckily, there's a tool
that can help you with all of this,
Therapy!
(audience cheering)
Therapy is amazing.
You pay someone to unload all your bullshit on them.
They're like prostitutes for the feelings.
(audience laughing)
The problem is men don't use it.
In fact, they're almost half as likely
to go to therapy as women.
Men out here treating therapy
like Nick Cannon treats condoms.
(audience laughing)
They're here to help you, Nick.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
Why won't you use them?
(audience laughing)
God damn it, Nick!
God damn it.
Who in here is excited about Rihanna at the Super Bowl?
(audience cheering)
I am so proud.
(audience continues cheering) Yes!
Everybody, everybody's excited.
Everybody's excited.
Well, almost everybody
- Sportscaster Steven A. Smith learns the hard way
you better watch what you say about Rihanna.
- Yeah, members of the Rihanna Navy, as they've known
have been gunning for him all day long
following his appearance on the Sherry Shepherd Show.
Take a listen.
- Are you excited for this halftime show?
- I don't want to say I'm not excited.
She's fantastic.
- I sense a 'but' - There's one thing she's not.
- [Sherry] Uh huh?
- She ain't Beyonce.
(audience groaning) - I know she's not Beyonce,
but you know, wait a minute.
Hold up, hold up! (audience boo-ing)
(audience laughing)
- Dude, no!
Why would you do this to yourself?
You know what, Steven A. Smith
you need to act like your hairline
and back the (bleep) off.
(audience cheering)
Now the good news is that he did apologize.
The bad news is his apology.
- I want Rihanna to know, you're a superstar.
You're sensational, and you are a worthy person
to be doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
I apologize for creating whatever brouhaha comes of this.
I gotta be more careful where people twist it
and turn it into something it ain't.
My bad on that.
Now I gotta go.
Good luck, sweetie.
Looking forward to seeing you perform.
- [Audience] Ew!
- Oh, how dare you call Rihanna sweetie!
You calling her sweetie like you know her.
She don't know you, but you know who she does know?
Beyonce!
(audience cheering)
And neither one of these ladies needs your opinion, sweetie.
While you trying to save your life
in the back of that dark-ass bus.
Afghanistan, can you give us a (bleep) break?
Lord have mercy.
Y'all already have so much bad shit coming out of there.
Now it's turning ridiculous, look at this mess.
- The heads and faces of mannequins
in women's clothing stores across Afghanistan's capitol
have been covered-up under the latest Taliban restriction.
Along the streets of Kabul, mannequins are hooded or masked
in aluminum foil, cloth sacks, or black plastic bags.
The Taliban initially wanted their heads cut off.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
- Now do you see how stupid this is?
You can still see my hair, my arms, and my titties.
(audience laughing)
How much is this working for you?
(audience chuckling)
(audience applauding)
No!
No.
For real, mannequins with no faces.
This is some Kabul-shit.
(audience laughing)
They got Taliban mannequins now?
Talibannequins?
(audience chuckling) Look at this one right here.
Look at this one.
Look at that.
(indistinct)
(audience chuckling)
Y'all worried about her face?
Y'all ain't seen them war-head nipples
she got going on?
(audience laughing and clapping)
Them is full headlights.
Have we spoken to NATO about them nipples?
(audience laughing)
Honestly, man, I didn't even know
it got that cold in Afghanistan,
to be honest with you.
(audience chuckling)
(audience applauding)
I'm thinking the Taliban dude who came up with
this rule just had a weird sex fetish
because the other Talibans is like
let's shut down the women's school.
Let's stop them from driving.
And this guy is like, yo.
(audience laughing)
You know those sexy lady mannequins?
Let's wrap they faces in foil like they baked potatoes.
(audience laughing)
That could be hot.
I'd (bleep) that.
(upbeat music)