So this is actually sort of a narcissism 101
thing and a lot of people ask sometimes
what does it mean to go gray rock.
I want to just kind of explain that to you.
Hey, I'm Rebecca Zung and I am a narcissist negotiation expert and I'm also an attorney
and this is really, really, really one of the most important things that you can do
when you are dealing with a narcissist,
either in your personal life and your business life
or when you are negotiating with a narcissist
is such a really, really great tool
that you will have in your toolbox
and I actually say that you can use this
either as in a way sort of a weapon
or as a shield because when you're dealing
with the narcissist is you definitely need both
and you can use this right away
and in any time when you're communicating with a narcissist
it means in a way is like you literally become like a boulder
and in a way it's more like a bolder than a rock,
but you can kind of think of it as gray rock.
So you become devoid of emotion,
you become immovable.
Just think of yourself, as kind of a gray rock.
What is it gray rock do?
What is a great boulder?
Do it just sits there it doesn't get triggered.
It doesn't move it just literally sits there.
I mean, I remember doing this when I was
dealing with the couple of narcissist in my life,
and I didn't know the term gray rock at the time.
I just kind of instinctively knew to do this.
It's kind of like I knew don't give them the satisfaction,
you know, that they're trying to get under your skin.
You know that they want to get some kind of rise out of you.
You just don't give it to them because what
happens is they get Narcissistic Supply out of that.
They love to see you go crazy.
They love to see you get triggered.
You just have to do whatever you can not to allow yourself to
show that and that's why you really need to have those boundaries.
That's why you really need to keep your interactions
as brief as possible because you know
that you're going to get triggered
especially if you've had a longer-term
relationship with them.
They know how to push your buttons.
They just know exactly what to do to push those buttons.
So they just try to be steadfast,
you try to be indifferent.
So here are some good examples.
They text you.
They text you something where they want
some big dramatic response out of you.
Just right back.
Okay, just like the one letter just the letter K
or kk something like that
you know, like my teenage daughter will respond like that sometimes
I mean, she's not trying to be like gray rock to me
she'll just do that to be cute sometimes but
you can just do that or you can just say
okay, if that's what you want or whatever
I mean, you know, just make it clear like,
I'm not affected by you.
I am so not affected by you.
I mean, I remember one time there
was somebody in my family who
was like really trying to get you know,
some emotional response going on.
You know, you just like put it back on them like,
oh geez, you know, I'm sure traveling is
really stressful or something like that
like you just like put it on them like I'm
sure you're really stressed out right now,
you know, you don't even like take it personally at all
like I'm sure you're really stressed out right now.
I'm sure you must be going through a really tough time.
You don't even make it seem
like whatever they're saying about
you has anything to do with you at all
because a lot of times not only do
they get Narcissistic Supply from it.
They're also trying to get you to do something
that they can then use against you,
use against you for custody,
use against you in court,
to make it look like you're crazy something like that.
So you know, don't give that to them because
then they'll be able to show the judge
that the mediator see, I told you,
I told you that person is unbalanced
or bipolar or whatever it is that they're trying to say about you.
Right? So you got to be really, really careful
about that because there it is in black and white,
you know, you just give him that one time or worse
they use it against you for a potential restraining order.
I've seen that happen before.
I mean, just that one time that you throw that
one thing or you slam that door or you yell
and now, the cops are showing up at your house
and you're suddenly getting arrested for domestic violence
and there it is you don't want to have that happen
you got to stay in control of your emotions
you got to be that gray rock, right?
and especially because you know,
if they show up at your kids soccer game
with that new form of supply or whatever,
and they want you to say something so bad.
You just say, oh hello to their new person.
How are you?
So, nice to meet you.
You just smile.
Don't say a word,
don't say a word. Nothing.
Other than that because that is what they want.
It's so much to get under your skin so much.
Think about Ted Lasso right.
I don't know if you guys have watched that show,
but you know, I actually have a video by the way,
on the narcissistic characters and Ted Lasso,
which you could definitely check out if you'd like,
but you know, there's there's actually a scene in
that show where Rebecca's ex-husband comes
in and he wants to just tell her about how
he has gotten his new girlfriend pregnant,
and you could tell that she's
bothered by the fact that he did that
and he says oh, you know, I guess I had to
you know find the right person or
something like that and you know,
just so gets under her skin.
She just doesn't want to let on just don't let on
that's the right thing to do because
that is exactly what they want.
Don't give them the satisfaction,
don't let them see you sweat.
So I want you to put that in the comments right now.
Don't let them see you sweat,
because that's what they want.
You know, go scream in the shower.
They'll cry in the shower, screaming your pillow,
do whatever you need to do.
You are a gray rock in front of their face
that's what you have to do.
I mean you just front of their face.
You just smile even when they're gaslighting
you and they're saying things,
you know, like we had that conversation and this is how it went.
I want you to smile and say oh you just
obviously aren't remembering correctly.
You just must not remember or we remember it differently.
Just say it like that.
We just remember it differently and you know,
we can agree to disagree and that's it
and you can just smile and walk away the rest of
what you want to say can just be silence
just fill in the blank silently in your head
and you don't have to say it out loud
karma and never forgets.
She's got a very long memory and karma always
comes back around because what goes around,
comes around.
My dad used to say be careful what
you throw up in the air because it will come
back down on your head and it definitely does,
you know, you can just say, like, I'm sorry, you feel that way.
That's fine, you know, just because we disagree,
don't you don't have to be disagreeable that's totally fine too
and you can fake it
I call it, ethically manipulating the manipulator.
You don't have to be anything other than whole
and complete and you are planted firmly in your power.
You know, who you are and this is you knowing who you are,
right? and yeah, it can be exhausting,
it can be draining and that's why you keep
those interactions as brief as possible.
I mean, really don't want to spend a
whole lot of time around this person
because they do want to drain you.
They do want to trigger you.
They're constantly needling
you are constantly trying to get some kind of
reaction out of you because that's what feeds them
that's their food.
That's their lifeblood.
That's their oxygen if they don't.
Don't get that then they're going to try to, you know,
slither on down the road to get it from somebody else.
It's their way.
It's how they're built and you're not going to change that.
You're never going to change that.
I recently had a conversation with Marissa Peer.
Who's one of the most renowned therapists in the world.
She won't even Council Narcissist.
She won't even take them in her practice.
You know, why?
Because she knows, she can't change them.
Think about that.
She knows that there's nothing she can do for them.
So help the people who have been traumatized by them
because she knows that she can help them.
She knows that she can do something for them.
She can't help the narcissist, you know,
why? Because they have no self-awareness.
They can't be helped.
They can't be saved.
So, if the therapist who does hypnotherapy,
who literally trains thousands of therapists
all over the world cannot help them.
You cannot help them.
You can It do it.
You literally do not have the tools to do it.
So what can you do?
When you're around them you can just go Gray Rock,
you use that as your shield.
You use that as your weapon,
you say, okay, that's what you want to think.
Sure, my agree with you great, whatever.
You just give them nothing because you know why they get bored.
They get bored with a gray rock eventually.
They're not interested in the gray rock.
They don't care about the gray rock anymore.
They move on from the gray rock
because they they want supply
and I'm getting it from something that's
not giving them any kind of feedback,
you know, my husband and I used to
have somebody in our family who was,
you know, like trying to get a rise out of somebody
and then, as soon as the person would finally be upset like angry,
like on the verge of tears.
His person would be like,
oh now we're having a conversation.
All right. Now we're getting going.
This is good.
What?
Yeah, but that's that person
that's what that meant because that person was finally getting fed.
You don't want to be food for a narcissist.
That's no fun.
So just, you know become a gray rock,
protect yourself use that as your shield.
You don't go to war without weapons.
You don't get ahead and battle without weapons.
You don't go to war without a shield to protect yourself.
Right? And when you're in battle with a narcissist you need weapons.
When you're dealing with a narcissist,
it's either black or white.
That's how they see things you're
either for them or you're against them.
When you're in that discard face you are definitely
against them because you become public enemy
number one.
So when it becomes time to say soodbye,
they want to make sure that you go down before they go down.
They want the whole world to see that you were wrong.
This is when you see the birth of the smear campaign,
right? So you got to have protection and your protection will be that gray rock,
just become a gray rock.
So no more Supply.
No supply for you because you are no longer
giving yourself to someone who doesn't deserve it.
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I'd love to know what you think what other ways.
Have you been a shield or a sword
to a narcissist and if you think that you might be in a relationship with a narcissist,
go ahead and take my quiz which is below in the description here
And I also have a free Crush my negotiation prep work sheet below
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mynegotiation.com
15-page free ebook.
You can grab that or you can take the quiz and I have a free private Facebook group
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on which you are free to join as well.
Free support group come join me in there
and as always remember that today is a great day to start negotiating your best life.
Today is a perfect day
wherever you are is the jumping off point.
It's never too late.
They only win if you stop trying
and let me tell you that,
you can have the best lawyer in the world.
You have the best,
whatever in the world, but if you don't think you can win,
no one can help you.
Okay.
So mindset is absolutely everything and going gray rock is a great way to get going to get started.
Just gray rock just think of it as mmm
I am like not giving them Supply anymore.
All right, guys, you got you must SLAY.
SLAY as my brand,
I will see all of you guys in the next video.