hello
so i have um a new short film coming out
tomorrow
it's called when i wanted to die um it's
uh something i made earlier this year
about
february yes so it's eight months old so
anything that old in the youtube world
you're like yeah i hate it
um but there is one thing that i don't
talk about in that video that
i think is really important to address
so
2017 was undeniably like
the best year of my life um i was in a
relationship
where i finally thought like oh my god i
found my person i'm gonna marry this
person
i had amazing friendships that i'd
cultivated after like
years of searching for like my tribe and
my people
and i was the lead in the executive
producer of youth and consequences
the show i did with youtube red and it
was like a dream come true
and i loved the cast and i loved the
script and i felt like this is what i've
been working towards for like 10 years
this is like this dream job
and so when my depression
also got the worst it's ever been in my
entire life
um it felt so weird
i was like externally i have everything
i ever wanted
and yet for the first time i am now
hearing voices
or one voice you know it's just this one
voice was this one deep
i would say male voice that would
randomly speak up out of nowhere
and say kill yourself
and i knew i was hearing voices because
it felt like it was in the room and it
felt like it was like this disembodied
thing but
i was undeniably alone wherever i was
whenever i heard him
uh in the beginning and
i didn't tell anyone about it
because i selfishly thought ah these
people care about me so much
if i tell people my depression so bad
that i'm hearing a voice
i think they'll hospitalize me and i
won't get to live my dream
um or they'll put me on medication
and i won't be present for the dream
that i'm living
and it was so hard because
it was the moment i realized like oh the
problem is me
like everything is going perfect in my
life
everything i ever wanted is happening
right now and yeah my brain is gonna
decide to like
be the most depressed it's ever been and
give me a [ __ ] annoying voice
that's gonna tell me these terrible
things so the problem is me
and um i did not
tell anybody about it for a very long
time i sort of just kept it to myself
um and towards the end of last year
i was like you know what like i am a
hypocrite
if i am constantly trying to be a voice
for mental health and for mental illness
and at the time we're like i need help
i'm refusing to get help
then i'm a hypocrite and so i talked to
my therapist about it
and he was like oh have you told anyone
about this and i was like no
i'm just kind of afraid
i i also i'm worried that like like
depression isn't
glamorous you know like dealing with
someone who's depressed is like
annoying most of the time i feel like
for people around me because it's like
this this disease people don't get where
you're like no i know i should be happy
no i know that
logically i know i should be fine but
i'm not and
mine manifests itself in ways where i'm
not like lying on the floor
i'm more like i'm upset or i like feel a
lot of things manically or i'm like
happy one minute and then i'm crying the
next or i'm overtly sensitive and so
it's just like all over the place mood
wise and so it's just that not a fun
thing to live with for people who are
you know in my life and he was like you
know
i feel like you really should tell the
people that you love about this
um and so i did i
i was about to tell my boyfriend when he
got back from this trip um
but before i could he broke up with me
and then the friends that i had some
[ __ ] happened and that
kind of like got put on pause and
my show didn't get renewed and it was
christmas time
which means there was no work to do all
my friends were out of town
i i now wasn't on this trip i was
supposed to go with
with my boyfriend and his family and i
was home all alone for like two or three
weeks
and i got into a huge fight with my mom
and
um spent christmas completely alone and
i had these two or three weeks
where i was totally isolated and
everything i thought i had was now gone
and that voice just got so intense when
i was by myself
and for the first time i would say like
in my life i seriously considered
very logically okay
if i kill myself how am i gonna do it um
what's gonna happen having been on the
other side i know like it's gonna
devastate my brother
i know my parents are gonna be upset um
kind of my friends will be hurt
who's going to take care of my cats do i
need to write a will
and um it got really bad
to where i had a plan and i know from
you know being in this space like
having a plan is like a major red flag
because the only next step then is for
that person to follow the plan to kill
themselves
and i managed to talk myself out of it
and be like no no no like this will pass
like just
you know don't be a hypocrite like
remember everything you've ever said to
people who wanted to kill themselves
like
it's gonna pass like yes it seems like
it's forever right now
yes like [ __ ] you're so i was just so in
pain
and i just felt like i had nothing like
i was nobody and i wasn't worth anything
at all
um i literally like i have this big
white board on my wall and i wrote out
like do not
kill yourself like all across it and i
put it on post-it notes and i put it on
my bathroom
mirror and like just every day when the
voice came i would just like shut the
[ __ ] up
um and so
i mean i don't want to be hyperbolic and
i don't want to be over dramatic but
really the short that i made
that comes out tomorrow at nine is sort
of what i had to live for
um because at that moment it felt like i
didn't have anything to live for
and i'm not gonna cry i'm not gonna cry
on a live stream
and uh yeah so
i made this short comment when i wanted
to die and it highlights every moment in
my life
i've sort of wanted to die i mean i
pared it down obviously
um but um yeah it's really important to
me i look back on it now because it's
eight months old like the shorts eight
months old you're like oh i could have
done so many things better or like
this is too cheesy or like this is
whatever but um
no they're doing that short is honestly
like i poured my savings into it because
i was like i just need something to do
that
reminds me of like why i'm here and like
makes me want to live
because this is really hard um
and i just need to remember like to do
something honestly
just do something so yeah that's what it
is
um i really hope you like it i hope
i hope it helps some of you who are
maybe going through now what
i was going through like eight nine
months ago
but yeah it's i'm on the other side of
it and depression is still a
big old [ __ ] but i feel a lot better
and
i really took care of myself at least in
a way that was healthy
and i credit that you know all the
mental health education that's available
online and like doing the things that
you're supposed to do just like every
single day
and hoping that they add up and
eventually they do you just it takes a
while to notice
but yeah um yeah that's what it is
uh please don't kill yourself if you are
also suicidal
just don't do it like there's a lot
there's a lot of great things to live
for and
now i'm pleased to say you know i have
really great friends
i'm still hunting for my next dream job
but it's all good
and you know i'm single but it's great
because i got cats
um but yeah life is a bunch of
[ __ ] ups and downs you just
gotta like ride out those loans waiting
to get to that next time
ah yeah okay i hope you enjoy it have a
lovely day
stay awesome gotham