-Thank you. Thank you, everybody.
That's very nice. Ah, all right.
So, my last name is Bargatze.
I know nothing about the history of my family.
I've never, like, really looked into it.
So I asked a great-uncle, told me pretty wild story.
We had a guy in our family that got --
He got killed, got murdered, actually, by a sickle.
Like the thing the Grim Reaper carries?
And this is like the 1800s, too,
just so you don't have to feel --
it's not a recent story.
We're over it as a family.
[ Laughter ]
So the guy -- It was his own fault, too.
The guy's nickname, they called him "Two Thumbs."
Two Thumbs Bargatze.
And the reason they called him that
was because he had two thumbs on one hand
but still had the other thumb.
So not even a good nickname.
[ Laughter ]
I'm Two Thumbs Bargatze.
Everybody but him is Two Thumbs Bargatze.
He's the only not two thumbs we've ever had
in the history of our family.
So I can tell you he was a troublemaker.
Two Thumbs, he was hooking up with this guy's wife.
So he's at her house, he leaves,
the neighbor sees him.
He gives him two thumbs, one hand up, you know.
And the neighbor is like, "All right."
[ Laughter ]
The husband gets home. The neighbor was like,
"Hey, your wife's cheating on you with this dude."
And he was like, "Who's the guy?"
And he was like, "I don't know his name,
but he had two thumbs on one hand, if that helps."
[ Laughter ]
And, you know, the guy was like, "That helps a lot."
[ Laughter and applause ]
"I mean, I didn't know you were gonna be that specific.
So I know exactly who it is."
So Two Thumbs was at home -- This is all what I was told.
He was at home, he was gardening,
he was extra good at gardening, and he's sitting there.
He's gardening,
and the sickle's there,
and then he kills him with it.
And that's it. That's basically it.
But here's the lesson. All right, guys?
The lesson is if you're doing something shady,
that's not the time to stand out, you know?
[ Laughter ] Like don't --
You don't want to be different then.
Put your dumb hand in your pocket.
[ Laughter ]
I mean, if I had three legs and was gonna rob a bank,
I'm gonna be the getaway driver.
I'm not gonna gallop in the bank with all three legs.
[ Applause ]
Just blend in.
That's the real message.
Just don't stand out.
Just blend in.
Sometimes you can't help it, though.
I've had it where, I had it recent--
I was getting coffee,
and I like iced coffee with milk.
Nothing crazy. And I went to order it.
You know when you order something
and the guy looks at you weird?
And you're like, "I'm pretty sure
he doesn't know what I just said."
But you're both touching the credit card
so you're just too far into it.
And you're like,
"All right, let's see what he thinks he heard."
[ Laughter ]
And I go to the end of the counter to get my drink
and he gives me milk with ice in it.
[ Laughter ]
I had to ask him, I was like, "What is that?"
He's like, "It's milk with ice in it."
[ Laughter ]
And I was like, "Do I look like a psycho to you, dude?"
[ Laughter ]
I've never drank milk publicly in the history of my life.
I've never once in my life been in public and thought,
"You know what I could go for right now?
I'd like a cup of milk.
I'd like to drink it out of a clear cup
so other adults know exactly what I'm drinking."
[ Laughter and applause ]
"I was also wondering if you could put a straw in it.
Something I haven't done in maybe 35 years.
And I thought we should do that again right now.
And I was wondering if you could put milk in it and ice
and then, you know, that's something that
I don't even know if you're allowed to do.
But I would like to try that now
in front of all these people that I've never met before."
[ Laughter ]
The bad part about this is it's happened twice.
[ Laughter ] All right?
And, you know, the first time, that's a lot.
That's a lot for it to happen.
And the second time, you start looking at yourself.
You start thinking like,
"I don't know if I know how to order.
I'm not ordering correctly," you know?
I thought it was gonna happen a third time.
There was a third time. And she put the drink down.
I was like, "This is unbelievable."
I was like, "They're against me."
And -- but she just put too much milk into it.
And she told me that.
It was a very honest moment.
She, like, set it down.
We're both looking at it.
And she just is like, "Feels like a lot of milk, doesn't it?"
And I was like -- Just looked at it.
And I -- you know, was like,
"Not as much as usual, but it does still feel like a lot."
All right, thank you guys so much.