It’s no secret that the Qur’an and I have had our differences in the past.
But I’m a man of peace and love.
So, to avoid ongoing hostility and conflict, I’d like to extend an olive branch
by sharing my favorite verse of the Qur’an.
You might think that my favorite Qur’an verse is the verse I quote most frequently—
Surah 9, verse 29, where Allah commands Muslims to violently subjugate Jews and Christians.
But this isn’t my favorite Qur’an verse at all; I just quote it a lot to help people
understand fourteen centuries of jihad.
Since Surah 9, verse 29 isn’t my favorite Qur’an verse, you might think that I’m
referring to one of the amusing verses I often use to refute common Muslim arguments.
For instance, when Muslims claim that the Qur’an contains scientific miracles, I like
to point out that the Qur’an says that Dhul Qarnayn traveled so far West, he found the
place where the sun sets; and that the sun sets in a muddy pool; and that stars are missiles
that Allah uses to shoot demons to keep them from sneaking into Paradise and listening
to his secret plans; and that semen is formed between the backbone and the ribs.
As helpful as these verses are, however, they’re not my favorite.
My favorite verse of the Qur’an is found in Surah 33, Surat al-Ahzab, one of the most
freakishly disturbing chapters of the Qur’an—and that’s saying something.
What’s amazing about Surah 33 is that, as nauseating as it is,
we only have about a third of what it originally said.
What we have today is what was left after Muhammad’s wives and others sanitized it
by removing some of the most abominable and sickening parts.
Muslim sources show that more than a hundred verses of Surah 33 are now missing.
In Abu Ubaid’s Kitab Fada’il-al-Qur’an, Aisha declares:
“Surat al-Ahzab (Surah 33) used to be recited in the time of the Prophet with two hundred verses,
but when Uthman wrote out the codices he was unable to procure more of it
than there is in it today.”
Surah 33, in today’s Qur’an, only has seventy-three verses.
But it originally had around two hundred.
That’s a lot of missing verses!
And we know what some of these missing verses said.
In Sunan Ibn Majah 1944, we read:
It was narrated that Aishah said: “The Verse of stoning and of breastfeeding an adult
ten times was revealed, and the paper was with me under my pillow.
When the Messenger of Allah died, we were preoccupied with his death,
and a tame sheep came in and ate it.”
We discussed the verse of breastfeeding an adult ten times in my “Sheepgate” video,
which I’ll link to at the end of this video in case you haven’t seen it yet.
In brief, before more than a hundred verses were removed from Surah 33, one of the verses
said that if a man and a woman aren’t married to each other, but they need to be alone together
for some reason, the woman is required to breastfeed the man ten times, so that he’ll
feel like her son and won’t be tempted to have sex with her.
So according to Allah, the proper Islamic way for women to avoid sexually arousing men
is to put their breasts into men’s mouths . . . this many times.
Fortunately, Muhammad’s wives had a better understanding of human nature than Allah did,
so they conspired to remove that verse—and other verses—when Muhammad died after he
was poisoned to death by a Jewish woman whose family had been slaughtered by Muslims.
But in my humble opinion, Muhammad’s wives should have taken out the entire chapter.
Keep in mind, this is the chapter where Allah gives Muhammad special permission to break
the four-wife limit.
Muslims are allowed to marry up to four women and girls, but in Surah 33, verse 50, Allah
tells Muhammad that he can have as many wives as he wants.
How convenient that the man who was receiving the revelations got the most sex partners.
This is also the chapter where Allah orders Muhammad to marry the wife of his own adopted
son after Muhammad causes the divorce by lusting after her.
Since marrying the divorced wife of your own adopted son was frowned upon in seventh-century
Arabia, Allah decided to abolish adoption in Surah 33, verses 4-5.
Adoption, of course, is one of the most loving, humane practices in human history, and Allah
abolishes it so that Muhammad can have the wife of his own adopted son.
Anyhoo . . . this utterly detestable chapter is the chapter that contains my favorite Qur’an verse.
My favorite verse of the Qur’an is Surah 33, verse 53.
Surah 33, verse 53 is my favorite verse because it shows, beyond any rational doubt,
what the Qur’an really is.
The historical background of the verse is that Muhammad would sometimes invite people
to one of his many houses for dinner.
But people would show up early or stay late, because they wanted to talk to him and ask
him questions.
Muhammad didn’t want these people hanging around, but he was too shy to tell them that
they were annoying him.
That’s when Allah stepped in, and revealed Surah 33, verse 53:
“O you who believe!
Enter not the Prophet's houses, unless permission is given to you for a meal, (and then) not
(so early as) to wait for its preparation.
But when you are invited, enter, and when you have taken your meal, disperse without
sitting for a talk.
Verily, such (behavior) annoys the Prophet, and he is shy of (asking) you (to go), but
Allah is not shy of (telling you) the truth.
And when you ask (his wives) for anything you want, ask them from behind a screen:
that is purer for your hearts and for their hearts.
And it is not (right) for you that you should annoy Allah’s Messenger, nor that you should
ever marry his wives after him (i.e., after his death).
Verily! With Allah that shall be an enormity.”
Now think about this.
Muhammad doesn’t like people showing up early for dinner or hanging out afterwards.
He’s a busy man, and Islam’s most trusted sources say that he liked to have sex with
all nine of his wives on the same night.
As we read in Sahih al-Bukhari, Number 5068:
Narrated Anas: The Prophet used to go round (have sexual relations with) all his wives
in one night, and he had nine wives.
Sahih al-Bukhari, Number 5215:
Narrated Anas bin Malik: The Prophet used to pass by (have sexual relation with) all
his wives in one night, and at that time he had nine wives.
Sahih al-Bukhari 268:
Narrated Qatada: Anas bin Malik said, “The Prophet used to visit all his wives in a round,
during the day and night and they were eleven in number.”
I asked Anas, “Had the Prophet the strength for it?”
Anas replied, “We used to say that the Prophet was given the strength of thirty (men).”
And Sa’id said on the authority of Qatada that Anas had told him about nine wives only
(not eleven).
Surah 33, verse 50, gives Muhammad special permission to have more sexual partners
than anyone else.
And Muhammad wants to go from house to house, having sex with nine women and girls a night.
Now obviously, if you’re trying to have sex with nine women and girls a night (not
counting your slave girls), you don’t have a lot of time for chit-chat.
But Muhammad’s followers want to talk to him, even if it interferes with his sexy-time.
Sadly, Muhammad (the guy who brags about having sex with nine women and girls in one night)
is just too shy to tell his followers to stop bothering him, so Allah has to intervene and
tell them not to annoy Muhammad.
Keep in mind, Muhammad is the one who’s receiving these revelations.
One day, Muhammad steps out and says, “Guys, I have a revelation from Allah.
This is Allah talking, not me.
I wouldn’t say any of this, but Allah will.
Remember just three verses ago, when Allah gave me, and me alone, the right to have more
sexual partners than any of you gullible stooges?
Well, now Allah wants you to stop coming over to my house early, and he wants you to leave
as soon as dinner’s over.
Again, I wouldn’t say any of this; I’m just too shy.
But Allah’s not shy.
He wants all of you to stop annoying me, stop talking me to death, stop asking me questions
when I’ve got better things to do than spend my evenings with people who are too stupid
to see what’s going on here.”
How can Muhammad make it any clearer what Allah really is in Islam?
Allah is Muhammad’s sock puppet, whose primary goal is to give Muhammad everything he wants.
Why is Allah so obsessed with giving Muhammad—the puppet master— whatever he wants?
Because Allah’s a sock puppet, and that’s what sock puppets do.
You Muslims bow down five times per day to Muhammad’s sock puppet.
And when we ask how you can possibly believe that this is the true religion,
you say ridiculous things, like “Oh, the Qur’an’s been perfectly preserved,”
and “The Qur’an’s filled with scientific miracles.”
Why do you say these things?
Is it because you’ve studied the Qur’an and its history?
Of course not.
If you took the time to study, you’d know better.
You believe that the Qur’an has been perfectly preserved and that the Qur’an contains
scientific miracles, because your leaders, your imams and sheikhs, the puppeteers,
keep the puppet show going for you.
But instead of getting mad at them for deceiving you, you get mad at me for telling you that
you’re being used and manipulated.
Now, I’m sick of being the bad guy all the time, so I’m not going to tell you that
you need to grow up and learn to study for yourself instead of mindlessly believing what
your lying leaders tell you.
I wouldn’t say that to you, because I want to be nice.
But I’m happy to inform you that I recently received a revelation from Allah,
and Allah isn’t nice.
He tells you what you need to hear, even if it hurts.
“Grow up, and learn to study for yourself instead of mindlessly believing what your
lying leaders tell you.
Listen to the super-genius David Wood, or you’re doomed.
And be sure to watch this video about Muhammad’s wives conspiring to remove parts of the Qur’an.”
Pretty creepy reducing Allah to a mere sock puppet, don’t you think?
But Surah 33, verse 21 of the Qur’an says that Muhammad is the pattern of conduct for mankind.
So if Muhammad treated Allah like his personal sock puppet, and Muhammad is the pattern of
conduct for mankind, the only way we can avoid treating Allah like this is to reject Islam.