Time for Halloween again!
Now this time I'm giving myself a break. And I'm going back to one of my favorite video game franchises.....Castlevania.
It never stops, the same way Dracula keeps getting resurrected.
I keep finding these games just creeping to my sub-conscious.
The same way the Belmont family has to keep putting evil back in its place, I'm cursed to keep doing game reviews and constantly mentioning Castlevania.
[Flashbacks] "Say from the Castlevania..."
"Kinda reminds me of a Castlevania..."
"Castlevania..."
"It's like in Castlevania..."
"The Castlevania..."
"Castlevania tw..."
"So once again it's like Castlevania..."
I talk about it all the fucking time.
So what the hell, let me just get it all out.
This is gonna be a big ass Castlevania marathon, with my own perspective.
This is Castlevania, how I remember it.
It's the Nintendo age. I'm sitting on my ass playing Super Mario Bros. when my cousin comes over and says "You want to play Castlevania?"
Instantly it triggered images of Dracula in my mind and of all the frightening horrors that lurk in the dark.
We popped that evil son of a bitch in the Nintendo and BAM!
Oh shit...
[ ♫ Vampire Killer - Castlevania ♫]
What can you say? It's side-scrolling 2D action at its finest.
Now keep in mind, NES was in its early years. So I was still getting used to games that consist on more than one screen.
When I got to the giant bat I thought it was Dracula, but nope, just the first level boss.
I still had a whole game ahead of me.
Not only is it a culmination of our classic gaming sensibilities, but of all the horror clichés. [♫ Stalker ♫]
We have mummies, hunchbacks, and the Frankstein monster straight out of the Universal movies.
It also reminds me of The Hammer horror films with all of its gothic scenery.
And it draws from Greek mythology too, like the Medusa.
Even the Grim Reaper makes an appearance.
Death himself takes orders from Dracula.
This game is simply a masterpiece. I love it.
*Player Miss*
Well, I never said it would be easy.
[ ♫ Wicked Child ♫] *Dies continuously*
I am prepared to talk about the more frustrating aspects of the game.
But first I want to discuss the more quirky moments, just those funny, fantasy video game elements that are usually taken for granted.
One thing I never understood after you defeat a boss, an orb becomes down and you have to touch it.
What's the point? Couldn't the next level just start right away?
Why do I have to touch an orb? And besides, what the fuck is an orb anyways?
Just a glowing ball?
Another thing I want to know is who is the architect for this castle?
All the blocks and staircases have no rhyme or reason.
How about all these candles? They're everywhere!
But to Simon Belmont, that's common.
You see a candle, you whip it and hearts come out.
If I were to whip a fucking candle what hearts come out? I'd like to know.
Oh shit!
In most games, hearts replenish your health.
But in Castlevania, they're basically ammunition for whatever weapon you're holding.
In the 2nd game, the hearts are currency.
So in a nutshell, the hearts in Castlevania games are anything BUT health.
The only thing that replenishes your health are food that Simon conveniently finds in the walls.
I always thought it was a roasted turkey or a carved ham right out of a Tom and Jerry cartoon.
However the instruction manual says that it's a pork chop.
OK? Well that's a pretty big pork chop.
Who cooked it anyways and hid it in the fucking wall?
And if you were Simon Belmont, would you eat an old pork chop that you found in a wall?
It must be fucking dirty!
I do have to say that it would be convinent if all I have to do is whip the wall when I was hungry.
God, if this wall would break it...
If there's a fucking pork chop in this wall I would so eat it!
Now let's talk about the difficulty.
I don't think anyone would deny, this is one of the hardest games ever made.
And it's all because of one simple problem.
When Simon gets hit, he jumps back.
You could have full health but just because there's a pit behind you, you're dead!
It's a severe handicap that fucks up the entire the game and the rest of the series.
Then there's certain enemies that just piss the shit outta me.
There's hunchbacks which jumps all over the place!
I used to think they were monkeys.
And then of course there's those enemies that just fly across the screen.
Like the Medusa heads. And the bats.
The hardest part in the game, besides Dracula, is the hall before the Grim Reaper.
You have Medusa heads coming at you from both directions.
And two knights throwing axes at two different altitudes.
I mean, look at the pattern going on here!
Anything that hits you drains a quarter of your health!
So that means 4 hits and you're dead!
Oh, but the knights? The knights takes 9 hits.
NINE. FUCKING. HITS.
You can't even concentrate while attacking because you're too busy dodging Medusas!
But you can't dodge the Medusas because you're too busy dodging the axes!
But you can't dodge the axes because you're trying to hit the knight!
But you can't hit the knight because the game's driving you FUCKING CRAZY!
It's like a test. It's a test to the SHIT.
When you get to Dracula, don't even bother fighting him until you've stocked up on hearts.
Go back down the steps, come back up, and all the candles are back.
Rinse and repeat.
This is extremely tedious and nobody feels like doing it, but if you want to stand any chance against Dracula, you're gonna have to.
Dracula may not seem so bad at first, especially after you send his fucking head to the moon, but then...
Oh, ohhh, my, GOD.
What in the unholy name of ass is this fuckness?
Oh wait, that's not a word?
Well, it should be.
So you fight the evil....Cookie Monster. Your health is never replenished, so this whole thing is like an endurance round.
If you took one single hit on Dracula,
I say your chances against the Cookie Monster are up a rat's ass.
Yeah!
It took me 20 years, but I finally got this game beat!
Unh!
YOUR MOTHER!
And you still gotta get the orb?
Oh, you're gonna replenish my health right after the game?
Thank you so much!
Dracula's castle crumbles and then come to credits.
Hmm, Trans Fishers? It reminds me of Terrence Fisher. The director of many of the Hammer horror films.
That's a funny coincidence.
Oh wait, Vran Stoker? Like Bram Stoker, the author of Dracula?
Wha-Christopher Bee?
Is it a joke?
I don't get it. Are they saying Christopher Lee is like a bee?
No, they can't mean that. This is probably just a series of strangely coincidental typos.
Belo Lugosi, Boris Karloffice- They're just fucking around.
Love Chaney Jr.? Nix Schrecks? Green Stranger?
Is this supposed to be funny?
Like, just take a celeberity's name and change it around?
That's like if I took the name "Steven Spielberg" and called him "Steven Jillberg".
Like, that's not funny! That's kindergarten level!
No, kindergarten students don't find that funny!
Aliens don't find that funny!
Well anyway, that's Castlevania for you.
Good game, but holy fuck is it hard.
Now as promised, we're gonna plow through the rest of 'em. All the old school Castlevania games.
The ones that I grew up wit-
[♫ Castlevania II Monster Dance Theme ♫]
But not that one.
Next on our list is Castlevania III, which in many ways, is the true follow up-
[♫ Monster Dance continues playing ♫]
No, I already reviewed that game. So anyway-
[Music continues]
No.
[Music continues]
Stop.
[Music continues]
Stop.
[Music continues]
STOP!
[Music continues]