Transcriber: Mohand Habchi Reviewer: Sofia Zaleeva
What a day! Far out.
(Laughter)
I'm so sorry that was just awful,
like, really awful. I'm really sorry, I don't know how to apologize enough.
I'm a massive TED fan.
I haven't actually been to one before,
(Laughter)
but I watched a bunch of them on my smartphone,
at night, in my bedroom, alone.
(Laughter)
And, quite frankly, I'm really disappointed today.
Okay?
Because I don't even know why I have to do this.
I had a whole other talk prepared for today,
but I noticed that none of the talks followed the TED six-point formula,
that I've devised.
(Laughter) Okay?
I mean a few hit a few of those points, I acknowledge that, I validate them.
(Laughter)
But next year, I want all six, okay?
So I'm going point you through them.
First of all, the introduction.
Guys, your introduction needs a childhood anecdote,
(Laughter) okay?
And make sure that the anecdote barely connects to your topic.
(Laughter) Okay?
That's really important.
I saw some anecdotes. Not this lack of connection.
For instance, your topic is salination.
You might want to consider using childhood story,
like a trip to the local circus where you saw a clown die!
(Laughter)
It's a good one. You should use that one.
(Laughter)
"What the hell does a dead clown have to do with salination?"
Nothing.
But it gets them listening.
Okay? (Laughter)
And that's a big TED tick right there.
If you can, you should bring on a prop.
Okay?
But do not reference the prop. (Laughter)
That's the thing.
Just leave it there, so the audience is wondering,
"Did she bring that on by accident?"
"What she doing with that hay bale?"
(Laughter) Okay?
And hopefully your audience will be so desperate to know,
what the meaning of your prop is,
that they'll have to listen to your every word.
It's actually up to you whether you tell them
what the meaning of your prop is or not.
So prop, the purpose of which may become clear later,
or not at all.
(Laughter)
But I want to acknowledge: one of the speakers did use a prop.
There was a kerosene lamp used today.
That was good. We're going to have him back.
So thank you for that. (Laughter)
Secondly, we have purpose.
Your talk might want to be inspirational,
that's usually the case.
Just remember, though, there are always publishers in the audience
looking for the next Malcolm Gladwell.
So no matter how jarring it is with your intended audience,
just be sure you make the business case.
(Laughter) Okay?
It doesn't matter if your talk is on buddhists,
their philosophy towards dying.
You need to remind the audience that this talk will revolutionize your life,
bring peace to you and your fellow beings,
and strengthen your company's stakeholder matrix.
(Laughter) Okay?
Third...
Actually, I have to say the guys did well with this one today,
because you notice that there are cameras everywhere,
trying to cover every angle.
And your job, talkers, is to completely ignore them.
Is there a camera there? I don't know.
(Laughter)
Whatever it takes, just completely ignore the cameras.
Ignoring the cameras is basically:
you are completely ignoring the external online audience
who would cherish your talk forever. (Laughter)
And instead, you're focusing on the temporary flesh people,
(Laughter)
who soon forget everything that you've said and gradually decay.
(Laughter)
The cameras will change the angles
to try to make sure that you're really just addressing the online audience,
(Laughter)
but the best TED talkers will never break! They will never break!
They will never look down that barrel. Okay?
Remember that. (Laughter)
Remember that. Never look down that barrel.
(Laughter)
Now if you have to, if you really have to,
if they're trying to get amongst you to acknowledge the internet freeloaders —
(Laughter)
then you've always got an option.
Just stop, drop, and run.
(Laughter) Okay?
Well done, everyone who spoke today.
Well done for the camera thing, you did that well.
But good god, this next one: Images.
There are certain images that are a must for a good TED talk,
and you've got to work them in however you can.
Just get them in there.
The best ones are glaciers, (Laughter)
deserts, and galaxies.
(Laughter)
Because these images will add a sense of global...
These will add a sense of... You know what?
I had a whole new talk. I only got three minutes to prepare this,
so don't be all smug when I make a mistake. Okay?
(Laughter)
This is who I am as a person.
I might make a mistake sometimes.
(Laughter)
Yeah, okay.
They will add global impact and urgency to anything, any talk.
Now while we're on the topic of slides,
what you're saying might be complex.
You might have a talk that's really embedded,
and you might want to represent it in a diagram, like this one.
This represents the complex interlocking relationships
between managerial elites at the global level.
(Laughter) Okay?
You might want to show this,
but what helps the audience is if you can condense that,
your visual, into one word that sounds like a perfume.
(Laughter)
So here, it would be: complexity.
(Laughter)
Okay?
Now: Expert Terms.
Too many of you were giving talks
that were easy for lay people to understand.
(Laughter) Okay?
You need to set yourself apart, like you're the expert.
You need to prepare your talk with obscure terms that you invented,
so people take you seriously.
(Laughter) Okay?
So you've got to use totally random words
and match them up with an unrelated image,
and that will leave no doubt in the audience's mind
that you have that logic and understanding that's just that little bit beyond them.
(Laughter)
For example, you might be talking about something
within the audience's grasp, like population growth.
Right?
No one is going buy a book called: "Population Growth."
What you're going to have to do is add mystique by changing it to this:
Oh!
(Laughter)
Yeah!
Girl and lamp in a forest. (Laughter)
"What's that?", the audience is confused.
And that's when you hit them with your fancy phrase:
"The Liminal Border Ratio." (Laughter)
Hahaha!
And we're in the opera house, right?
Hahaha!
(Laughter)
Now, lastly in my schema:
Closing with a Bang.
Actually, perhaps the most important part of a TED talk is the closing.
There are some specific techniques you can use to make sure
that your audience will share your talk on Facebook.
(Laughter)
You need to dramatically tell your audience three things,
and drive home the point. There are all sorts of techniques.
Use phrases like:
"What we really need now more then ever."
That's a favorite. I heard that just before.
(Laughter)
"The young ones are learning."
(Laughter)
Each phrase of these three, of your tripartite little schema,
each phrase needs to get quieter and more spiritual as you go on,
until in the last one, you're basically making an inaudible comment about ghosts.
(Laughter)
A bit weird, as I can actually see a lot of you,
and it's really lovely.
But I don't see any of you taking notes.
(Laughter)
That's weird!
(Laughter)
You should have been ready for it, because it's kind of rude.
(Laughter)
Thank you! Enjoy the rest of the evening.
I'm Justine Rogers. Goodbye!
(Applause)