>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOWMENT I'M YOUR HOST,
STEPHEN COLBERT IT IT IS DAY-- (APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: IT IS DAY 100-- 102 OF THE TRUMP
PRESIDENCY, 1,358 DAYS TO GO.
BUT WHO'S COUNTING?
(LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: NOW TRUMP HAS REPEATEDLY SAID THAT THIS
HUNDRED DAY THING IS TOTALLY ARBITRARY, OKAY.
TOTAL LEER UNIMPORTANT.
AND TO PROVE HOW UNIMPORTANT IT IS, HE TOOK OUT A TV AD, HE CUT
A CAKE ON AIR FORCE ONE, AND HE HELD A RALLY IN PENNSYLVANIA.
THE THEME OF THAT RALLY, PROMISES MADE, PROMISES KEPT.
WHICH IS BETTER THAN THE ORIGINAL SLOGAN, PROMISES MADE,
NEVER MIND, NEVER SAID IT, FAKE NEWS, WATCH FOXAN FRIENDS.
SO, NICE, GOT A RHYTHM.
(APPLAUSE) HE ALSO PROVED JUST HOW
UNIMPORTANT THIS WAS WITH A BUNCH OF INTERVIEWS OVER THE
WEEKEND.
FIRST ON FRIDAY HE TALKED WITH REUTERS ABOUT HIS NEW JOB.
>> WELL, I LOVE MY-- I LOVED MY PREVIOUS LIFE, I LOVED MY
PREVIOUS LIFE.
HI SO MANY THINGS GOING.
I ACTUALLY, THIS IS MORE WORK THAN MY PREVIOUS LIFE.
I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE EASIER.
>> Stephen: HUH.
HOW ABOUT THAT?
>> Jon: HE THOUGHT IT IT WOULD BE EASIER.
>> Stephen: IT IT TURNS OUT BEING LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD
IS HARDER THAN LICENSING YOUR NAME TO LUXURY MEAT.
DELICIOUS.
BUTS THAT HE'S NOT ALL.
HE TRUMPED ON.
>> I THOUGHT IT IT WAS MORE-- I'M A DETAILS ORIENTED
PERSON, I THINK YOU WOULD SAY THAT.
BUT I DO MISS MY OLD LIFE.
>> Stephen: WE ALL DO, SIR.
WE ALL MISS IT.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: I GET WHY HE MISSES IT, I GET IT MAN.
BECAUSE IN HIS OLD LIFE HE COULD SPEND HIS DAYS GOLFING,
INSULTING PEOPLE ON TWITTER AND HANGING OUT WITH HIS FAMILY.
ALSO, NOW.
BUT THAT'S NOT THE ONLY REASON HE'S BUMMED.
IT'S ALSO BECAUSE, I CAN'T DRIVE ANY MORE.
AND YOU KNOW HE DROVE ALL THE TIME.
HE WAS A GREAT DRIVER.
JUST LOOK HOW COMFORTABLE HE IS BEHIND THE BHEEL.
(LAUGHTER) -- WHEEL.
THAT'S PACKLY HOW I DRIVE.
HANDS AT 7 AND 5, MOUTH OPEN, SCREAMING.
AAHHH!
RED LIGHTED!
THANKS, OBAMA.
>> Jon: OPEN ROAD.
>> Stephen: OF COURSE HE ADDRESSED THE PROUDEST
ACHIEVEMENT OF HIS PRESIDENCY, EXISTING.
BECAUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF DISCUSSING CHINESE AMERICAN
RELATIONS WITH THE REUTERS REPORTERS STOPPED TO HAND OUT
COPIES OF WHAT HE SAID WERE THE LATEST FIGURES OF THE 2016
ELECTORAL MAP SAYING PRETTY GOOD, RIGHT, THE RED IS
OBVIOUSLY US.
THE BLUE, OBVIOUSLY DEMOCRATS, EXCEPT WHEN IT'S WATER, HARD TO
TELL.
AQUA MAN, PERSONAL FRIEND, GREAT GUY.
PROBABLY.
(APPLAUSE) THERE IS EVEN A PICTURE.
>> I COLORED THESE MYSELF.
THESE ARE ALL-- THESE ARE ALL PLACEMATS.
I HAD THEM-- I HAD THEM-- CAN YOU PUT THAT PHOTO BACK UP.
THIS IS MY IMPRESSION OF A T-REX, LITTLE HANDS, LIKE THIS,
LIKE-- (APPLAUSE)
LIKE THIS.
>> Stephen: EVERYTHING IS IN HERE.
I'M PROUD TO SAY THAT THE OFFICIAL DEFINING HUNDRED DAYS
INTERVIEW TOOK PLACE RIGHT HERE ON CBS WITH THE NATION FACE
HIMSELF JOHN DICKERSON YESTERDAY.
AND HE STARTED OFF WITH NORTH KOREA.
>> MR. PRESIDENT, YOU AND THE ADMINISTRATION SAID TO NORTH
KOREA, DON'T TEST A MISSILE.
THEY HAVE TESTED A MISSILE.
IS THE PRESSURE NOT WORKING?
>> WELL, I DIDN'T SAY DON'T TEST A MISSILE.
HE IS GOING TO HAVE TO DO WHAT HE HAS TO DO.
>> Stephen: SO YOU ARE OFFICIAL POLICY IS, YOU DO YOU.
WHAT CAN I SAY, HITLER GONNA HITLER.
KIM JONG GONNAU N.
>> THEN OUR FRIEND JOHN DICKERSON ASKED TRUMP WHAT HE
THOUGHT OF KIM JONG UN.
>> I CAN TELL IT YOU THIS, A THE LO OF PEOPLE DON'T LIKE WHEN I
SAY IT IT HE WAS A YOUNG MAN OF 26 OR 27 WHEN HE TOOK OVER FROM
HIS FATHER.
A LOT OF PEOPLE, I'M SURE, TRIED TO TAKE THAT POWER AWAY.
WHETHER IT IT WAS HIS UNCLE OR ANYBODY ELSE.
AND HE WAS ABLE TO DO IT.
SO OBVIOUSLY HE'S A PRETTY SMART COOKIE.
>> Stephen: SO, TRUMP THINKS-- NO, NO, TRUMP THINGS
KIM JONG UNIS A SMART COOKIE TO WHICH ALL OF NORTH KOREA
REPLIED, COOKIE?
HE'S A MONSTER.
THE POINT IS HE IS A MONSTER.
FAT LITTLE MONSTER.
NOW DICKERSON GAMELY TRIED TO GET TRUMP TO COMMIT TO RELEASING
HIS TAX RETURN FINALLY BUT IT IT WAS THE SAME OLD SONG AND DANCE
ABOUT UNDER AUDIT.
SO I WOULD LIKE TO REPHRASE THE QUESTION.
MR. PRESIDENT, CAN YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR TAX RETURNS AS A
METAPHOR FOR YOUR PENIS.
>> I HAVE A VERY BIG TAX RETURN.
YOU'VE SEEN THE PICTURE, MY TAX RETURN IS PROBABLY HIGHER THAN
THAT, FROM THE FLOOR.
WHEN YOU LOOK AT OTHER PEOPLE'S TAX RETURN, EVEN OTHER WEALTHY
PEOPLE, THEIR TAX RETURN IS THIS THING.
MY TAX RETURN IS THIS HIGH.
>> Stephen: WE GET IT.
YOU HAVE A HUGE TAX RETURN.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE NICE, A FULL RELEASE.
PLAWTION (APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: THERE ST. SORRY-- SO I HEARD.
I WOULDN'T KNOW.
I'M FLAT ERRED BUT I'M NOT INTO THAT SCENE.
LATER IN THE SAME INTERVIEW TRUMP GAVE DICKERSON A TOUR OF
THE OVAL OFFICE.
>> THIS IS THE RESOLUTE DESK T SAY GREAT DESK WITH A PHENOMENAL
HISTORY.
THIS WAS FDR, IT WAS RONALD REAGAN, IT WAS KENNEDY.
THERE ARE SOME GREAT PRESIDENTS BEHIND THIS DESK.
>> Stephen: HE YES, AND IF YOU PUT YOUR EAR TO IT LIKE A SEA
SHELL, YOU CAN HEAR ALL OF THEM ROLLING IN THEIR GRAVE.
AND PRESIDENT TRUMP-- (APPLAUSE)
AND PRESIDENT TRUMP EXPLAINED THAT VISITORS ARE AWED BY THE
POWER OF THE OVAL OFFICE.
>> IN ONE CASE I WON'T SAY WHO, SOMEBODY YOU KNOW VERY WELL, THE
HEAD OF A MAJOR, MAJOR COMPANY.
THE PERSON CAME INTO THE OVAL OFFICE AND STARTED TO CRY.
THIS IS A TOUGH PERSON, BY THE WAY.
CAME INTO THE OVAL OFFICE AND STARTED TO CRY.
>> Stephen: MR. PRESIDENT, IF I CAME TO THE OVAL OFFICE AND
SAW YOU SITTING BEHIND THE DESK, I WOULD CRY TOO.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: NOW THERE WAS A NICE MOMENT WHEN JOHN DICKERSON
TALKED ABOUT SOME PREVIOUS PRESIDENTS THOUGHTS WITH TRUMP,
OTHER MEN WHO HAVE STOOD IN THAT ROOM AND THEIR THOUGHTS ABOUT
THE RESPONSIBILITY OF THE PRESIDENCIMENT BUT I'M NOT QUITE
CLEAR SURE THAT DONALD TRUMP UNDERSTOOD THE MESSAGEMENT
GEORGE W. BUSH SAID THE REASON THE OVAL OFFICE IS ROUND IS
THERE ARE NO CORNERS YOU CAN BEHIND IN.
>> IN IS TRUTH TO THAT.
THERE ARE CERTAINLY NO CORNERS.
>> Jon: WAIT, WAIT, I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S WHAT HE MEANT.
>> Stephen: OKAY, OKAY, LET'S BE POSITIVE.
AT LEAST HE KNOWS HIS SHAPES.
HE KNOWS OVAL, OKAY.
HE KNOWS THE PENTAGON.
AND RHOMBUS, BECAUSE IT'S REINCE PRIEBUS' MIDDLE NAME, REINCE
RHOMBUS PRIEBUS.
AND OT SUBJECT OF PREVIOUS PRESIDENTS, DICKERSON ASKED
TRUMP IF HE STILL STANDS BY CLAIMS THAT PRESIDENT OBAMA
WIRETAPPED HIM.
>> DO YOU STAND BY THAT CLAIM.
>> I DON'T STAND BY ANYTHING.
>> Stephen: IT'S TRUE.
HE DOESN'T STAND BY ANYTHING, EXCEPT THE DRESSING ROOM DOOR AT
MISS U.S.A. PAGEANT.
(APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: WHO NEEDS SOME LOTION.
BUT BASED ON A TRUE STORY, THAT JOKE.
BUT DICKERSON ASKED HIS QUESTION ANYWAY.
>> BUT I'M ASKING YOU.
BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT.
>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO ASK ME.
>> WHY NOT?
>> BECAUSE I HAVE MY OWN OPINIONS AM YOU CAN HAVE YOUR
OWN OPINIONS.
>> BUT I WANT TO KNOW YOUR OPINIONS, YOU ARE THE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STAITLE.
>> THAT'S ENOUGH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> Stephen: CAN'T TALK ANY MORE, NO, CAN'T TALK ANY MORE.
IMPORTANT-- IMPORTANT PRESIDENCY WORK HERE.
GOT TO PRESIDENT ALL OVER THESE PAPERS HERE.
LET'S SEE, LET'S SEE, WHAT THIS, YES, STILL PAPER, STILL BLANK
PAPER, NOTHING ON THERE, LET'S SEE, LET ME READ THIS
PRESIDENTIAL BRIEFING.
YEAH, I GOT THE BRIEFING RIGHT HERE.
I GOT THE BRIEFING, YES, IT'S TRUE, WE GOT TO DO SOMETHING.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: YES, OH, OH, YEAH, SORRY, JOHN, CAN'T TALK, GOT
TO-- GOT TO DO SOMETHING, GOT TO-- GOT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT
THE NATION OF CHARMINISTAN, SORRY ABOUT THAT.
WE MUST WIPE THEM OFF THE MAP, UH-HUH.
IS DICKERSON STILL OVER THERE, I DON'T WANT TO LOOK.
IS HE STILL-- BRRRING, BRR,ING, SORRY, HELLO, HELLO, YES, A VERY
SECURE PHONE, YES, THIS IS DONALD TRUMP.
JOHN, I GOT TO TAKE THIS CALL, IT'S THE PRESIDENT OF ASIA
CALLING.
HELLO.
REALLY IMPORTANT, SWRON, I CAN'T HEAR YOU, I'VE GOT A BANANA IN
MY EAR.
OBVIOUSLY I'M JOKING.
SOMETHING WAS ON THAT PAPER.
ALL RIGHT.
DO WE HAVE A REVERSE SHOT, JIM?
YEAH, THERE YOU GO.
BUT I GOT TO SAY, WALKING OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF A SENTENCE WASN'T
EVEN THE PRESIDENT'S BIGGEST INSULT TO JOHN DICKERSON.
>> AND I THINK ACTUALLY I'VE BEEN VERY CONSISTENT.
YOU KNOW, IT IS VERY FUNNY WHEN THE FAKE MEDIA GOES OUT, WHICH
WE CALL THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA, WHICH SOMETIMES I MUST SAY IS
YOU.
>> YOU MEAN ME PERSONALLY.
>> WELL, YOUR SHOW, I LOVE YOUR SHOW.
I CALL IT DEFACE THE NATION.
>> Stephen: REALLY.
DONALD TRUMP-- JOHN DICKERSON IS A FAIR-MINDED JOURNALIST.
AND ONE THE MOST COMPETENT PEOPLE WHO WILL EVER WALK INTO
YOUR OFFICE AND YOU TREAT HIM LIKE THAT?
NOW, JOHN DICKERSON HAS WAY TOO MUCH DIGNITY TO TRADE INSULTS
WITH THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES TO HIS FACE.
BUT I, SIR, AM NO JOHN DICKERSON.
(APPLAUSE) AND WHEN YOU, OKAY, ALL RIGHT,
LET ME INTRODUCE YOU, LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO SOMETHING WE
CALL THE TIFFANY WAY.
WHEN YOU INSULT ONE MEIVE THE CBS FAMILY, YOU INSULT US ALL,
BA ZYNGA, ALL RIGHT.
HERE WE GO, ALL RIGHT.
>> Jon: GET THE GLOVES OFF.
>> Stephen: MR. TRUMP, YOUR PRESIDENCY, I LOVE YOUR
PRESIDENCY.
I CALL IT IT DES GRACE THE NATION.
-- YOU ARE NOT THE POTUS, ARE YOU THE BLOTUS, ARE YOU THE GLUT
ON WITH THE BUTTON.
ARE YOU A REGULAR GORGE WASHINGTON.
ARE YOU THE PRESI-DUNCE, BUT ARE TURN ITING TOO A REAL PRIK-TALT
TATOR.
SIR, YOU ATTRACT MORE SKIN HEADS THAN FREE ROGAINE.
YOU HAVE MORE PEOPLE MARCHING AGAINST YOU THAN CANCER.
YOU TALK LIKE A SIGN LANGUAGE GORILLA WHO GOT HID IN THE HEAD.
IN FACT THE ONLY THING YOUR MOUTH IS GOOD FOR IS BEING A
PUTTIN'S [BLEEP] HOLSTER.
YOUR PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY, IS GOING TO BE A KID'S MENU AN A
COUPLE OF JU GG'S MAGAZINE.
THE ONLY THING SMALLER THAN YOUR HANDS IS YOUR TAX RETURN.
AND YOU CAN TAKE THAT ANYWAY YOU WANT.
WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
CHRIS PRATT IS HERE. NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON.
WHEN YOU COME BACK, I WILL BE RIGHT HERE WITH HISTORY LESSONS
FOR DONALD TRUMP.