Hey there.
This is Clay with www.ModernLove.Life and this is relationshipinnergame.com.
Now in this video I'm going to be talking about the topic of texting your ex and I know
that there are a lot of people out there who are looking for magic text messages to send
to your ex and word for word scripts that you can just send your ex and that's not really
what you're going to get here because ultimately that kind of stuff doesn't really work.
Sure, it might get you to the next step, but you're still not going to know what to do
when your ex texts you back or when things go off script or when you just run out of
of magic words to use or say what instead I'm going to do is I'm going to equip you
with a few basic principles and a few things to keep in mind when you are interacting with
your ex.
Now, the second thing I want you to understand about this video and what I'm going to be
sharing with you is that this is all within the context of understanding your ex's emotional
state and you really developing your own emotional states to best connect with your ex.
Okay.
This means that you are aware of what your exes, experience in the present moment is.
You're able to empathize with your ex's experience.
You're able to have composure to know what you want without having to collapse or posture
and you're able to express yourself relatively clearly.
Okay?
So this is all within that context.
If you are just sort of, you know, flying blind or something like that, then what I'd
like you to do is I'd like you to watch some of our other videos on the topic of really
understanding your ex's emotional state and connecting with them on an emotional level.
So at that being said, there are a couple of things to keep in mind when it does come
to texting your ex and all of this stuff really can also relate to emailing your ex, writing
her ex a Facebook message, sending your ex a letter, calling your ex on the phone or
anything else like that.
But this is specifically, we're going to be using texting as the example here because
a lot of people seem to enjoy texting or like the idea of texting their ex.
So the first issue that you might experience when it comes to texting your ex is that,
your ex may not respond or they may not respond right away or they may not respond in a meaningful
way.
And there are a couple of reasons why this might be, and this is what this particular
video is going to be about.
The first thing that you might be doing that could inadvertently be discouraging your ex
from actually responding to you or interacting with you is that you're just frankly sending
them too much information, too much content.
This is what we often call the wall of text.
So oftentimes people when they are first reaching out to their exes or contacting their ex,
or even emailing their ex, they will often pour their heart out onto the screen or onto
the page or onto the little box where you type in your text and they'll just, they'll
just go, they'll just, they'll just talk about everything that they're feeling, everything
that they're experiencing.
And they'll just go and they'll just go and they'll just go.
And then when they finally hit send, it goes off and then they're ex receives it.
And it, it's just this giant wall of text, this block of text, and there's just no space
for the eye to rest is just one enormous wall and a number one, it looks very difficult
to read.
And number two, it's full of emotional, emotionally heavy language.
Okay.
And this is very difficult for your ex to go through and your ex to read because number
one, it is very difficult.
There's very little space for the eye to rest.
And number two, it's also very emotionally difficult because you're talking about these
heavy feelings that you're having, these deep experiences that you're having.
And many times at the end of number three, there is a very big ask at the end.
Like, so will you please consider giving me another chance or we please consider getting
back together with me or something along those lines.
And what happens when your ax receives the wall of text is that they kind of shut down
emotionally and are looking for an excuse to not respond to it.
You know, they might, they might procrastinate, they might put it off, they might do something
along those lines.
And so I recommend that you don't use the wall of texts when you are talking to your
ex.
A mistake number two that people often make that keeps their ex from responding to them
or keeps their ex from wanting to text them back is that they often don't really ask a
meaningful or substantial question, right?
They often just, and they're their text message with hope, you're well or what's new or how's
it going?
Or something like that.
And this is not really a very good idea when it comes to creating the context for an emotional
interaction for a real conversation.
Because first of all, if you don't actually have a question, if it just ends with hope
you're doing well or something like that, your ex may not even think that you want them
to respond, right?
If you don't actually have a question, your ex might think, oh well they're just sending
me something.
They don't actually want me to respond there.
There has given me some sort of update.
They're not asking anything in particular.
And so they might just think that you don't need a response from them.
And the second reason why that's not a great idea is because if you are just sending them
a vague question like what's new, how's it going?
Something along those lines that has a similar effect because in our culture, in our society,
for lack of anything better, we use these, questions as basically a placeholder for a
greeting.
How you doing?
What's up, how's it going?
What's new?
Things like that.
You know, we often have these just throwaway phrases that we use in our day to day life,
such as when we're talking to the Barista at the coffee shop and there's a line of people
behind us that's, you know, 10 or 20 people along and the Barista just says, Hey, what's
going on?
Right?
They don't actually care how your day is going.
You don't actually care what is going on with you.
They're just saying that as a greeting, right?
You're supposed to just say, oh, not too much.
Oh, it's Monday.
Oh, I'm doing good.
You know, you're not supposed to actually tell them how your actual day is going, how
you actually feel.
It's just a greeting.
Right?
And so if your ex receives a question like this from you, they might not actually see
any need to respond.
It might just seem something like, you know, hey, what's up?
What's new?
How's it going?
It could just be like, hello.
Right.
If you even ask them that sort of question, it can often, not really inspire them to respond
just because it is a throwaway kind of phrase that we use in our society.
The third mistake that people make when texting their ex is that they don't ask specific questions.
So kind of building off and kind of the other side of that particular question, or that
last particular point is that you may not be asking your ex specific questions that
really inspire them to respond.
So questions such as how's it going, what's new?
Those are obviously bad like we just talked about.
But questions that actually do inspire them to respond are things like what was the last
thing that made you smile?
How was your weekend?
That's kind of a little bit iffy but you know, it, it is a little bit more specific and it
does inspire them to respond a little bit more.
Or here's what I had for lunch, can you, what, what did you have for lunch?
Or guess where I am attached with a photo or you know, something like that.
Those sorts of things are small asks.
And they are easy to answer for your ex.
So those sorts of things are great for getting a conversation going and getting your ex engaged
with you.
Now the fourth thing that actually stops your ex from responding is when you are relationship
focused, your motive for texting them is really to try to save the relationship.
The reason that you are sending them a text message is to get them to want to get back
together into a relationship with you, and I hate to say this because it's going to burst
a lot of people's bubble, but you cannot get back together with your ex solely over text
message.
Okay?
You have to actually have a significant emotional interaction and connection with them and chances
are you're probably going to have to, you know, have a actual phone call with them where
they can hear your voice or see your face or face to face meetup.
What are the two of you can actually interact, go out on some sort of date, build actual
experiences.
Your ex probably is not going to get back together with you just because you sent the
right text message off to them or something like that.
So you have to understand that the purpose of texting your ex is not to get them back.
But instead you want to simply just build a connection.
So if you can shift from being relationship focused to being connection focused, that
is going to help you immensely.
Because when you are relationship focused, you're going to ask your ex things like, hey,
would you ever consider getting back together?
Please give me another chance.
I promise I'll change.
I've been waiting eagerly for reply all continued to wait till the end of time or you know,
things like that.
And those sorts of things are going to make your ex want to pull away from you.
However, if you are simply connection focused, if you're simply just wanting to interact
in the present moment, then your ex is going to be much more likely to want to open up
and share with you because you are not bringing the sort of ulterior motive.
This sort of hidden agenda to the interactions, right?
If you have this hidden agenda of, Hey, I'm texting you because I want to get back together
with you so that I can feel good.
I don't care how you feel, I don't care what your thoughts are, I don't care about any
of that.
I just want to get back together with you so that I feel good again.
Then your ex is not going to want to interact with you.
They're going to pull away.
This is something we've talked about in some of our other videos.
Okay, so be connection focused, not relationship focused.
And the fifth thing that might stop your ext actually wanting to text you back is that
you simply aren't calibrated to where they're at emotionally.
Now, it should be pretty obvious, but everybody has an emotional sort of thermometer that
goes up and down throughout the day.
You know, sometimes you're feeling great, sometimes you're feeling okay, sometimes you're
feeling kind of Whoa, whoa.
And it often depends on maybe what's happening outside of you.
Maybe the thoughts that are having that you're having in your mind or other sorts of experiences
that you have throughout the day.
And this is what kind of changes throughout the days, your emotional temperature.
And the same is true with your ex.
And if you aren't really meeting your ex where their emotional temperature is, that they're
going to think there's a great deal of disconnect.
You know, maybe your ex is down here feeling really lousy cause they're heartbroken over
the breakup.
And maybe you're coming up here trying to pretend to be happy and excited all the time.
And if you're like, hey, life is great.
I love everything.
What's the best thing that happened to you today?
And they're like down here.
And they're like, man, screw you.
We have nothing in common.
I don't want to interact with you.
You know, that's, that's, that's going to really screw things up in terms of making
them want to respond to you.
So the important thing to do is to start to calibrate to where your ex is at emotionally.
So it's important to start by sending them a small message and kind of see what their
responses, and based off of that response, you can start to understand and start to put
together a picture about where their emotional state might be.
So have a small investment and then meet that investment, with whatever they get back.
And then you can kind of start to build a sort of picture about where they might be
emotionally based off of that response through the back and forth of the dialogue.
And so you can kind of say, okay, I'm here, I'm going to text them, and they're over here.
Okay, they're down here.
Maybe I'll drop it down a little bit.
And then it seems like, oh, actually they're up here, so I'll raise it up a little.
And then you'll kind of start to zero in on exactly where they are.
Right?
And that's really the secret to calibrating toy your ex's out.
And emotionally.
Now, of course, like I told you before, all of these things that we've just gone over
are within the context of being able to create good positive emotional interactions with
your ex.
These aren't, you know, copy and paste.
Turn your brain off and just send out some script advice to help you get your ex back.
You have to actually be able to feel into the moment so the, your ex knows that they're
getting back together with you.
Not with me, because I did some sort of Cyrano de Bergerac kind of move with you or anything
like that.
But it has to be you because this is your relationship.
This is not my relationship with your ex.
This is your relationship.
So you need to know your ex better than anyone else.
You need to be able to feel into the interactions and you need to be able to know better than
me or any strange person on the Internet.
What the right thing to say to your ex is.
Okay.
And so if you want to be able to feel into the moment and really be able to handle situations
like this, then here's what I'd like you to do.
If you're watching this video on our website, www.ModernLove.Life.
Just head on down below this video and click on the link directly below this video.
That'll take you over to another page on our website.
We're, I'll tell you specifically how you can build a solid emotional connection with
your ex through media such as text messaging, email, Facebook, phone calls, face to face
calls, video chats, in person dates.
And if you're watching this video over on Youtube, what you can do is you can go quick
down below in the description box there is a link that'll take you over to another website
called relationshipinnergame.com and you can go ahead and fill out a short, quick, painless
survey that should take you about 30 seconds.
Just giving me a little bit of background info on specifically what's going on with
you and your ex and your breakup and all that stuff.
And based off of what you tell me, I'll send you some tips, advice, and strategies that
will help you get back together with your ex.
Okay.
So whenever you are, the place to go is down below.
Just click down there.
And of course if you're watching this on youtube, please feel free to like feel free to subscribe
and feel free to leave a comment down below letting me know what sorts of videos you'd
like to see me make in the future.
Anyway, this has been clay with www.ModernLove.Life and I hope that this has helped you improve
your relationshipinnergame.com.
Talk in the next video.