Hello I m Darren Magee and the topic for today s video comes from questions around the lies that
narcissist s tell. In this video I'm going to look at some of the common kinds of lies they tell,
giving some examples. I m also going to look at the rationale behind those lies and look
at some of the common ways they react whenever confronted with reality. I'm also going to look
at how these lies fit in with other aspects of the dark personality. Now I ve made videos
on the dark personality previously if you want to check those out. But to begin with,
everybody lies. We all do it from time to time, even small white lies maybe to spare
someone's feelings or to avoid embarrassment. But when we lie, we tend to feel bad about
ourselves. Many narcissists however, can be quite comfortable with their lying, they can be quite
confident in it. Some are even accomplished liars. Narcissists tend to have delusions
of grandeur. There's a huge sense of entitlement. They believe themselves to be special and unique,
and are entitled to be seen as special and unique and treated special by others, even though they
don't have to do anything to earn it. They believe that others are, or should be envious of them.
And they find it difficult to accept or admit whenever they're wrong. So what we often see
is what s known as magical thinking. It's true because they think it, it s true because they've
said it. And the more they say it, the more people they say it to, the more true it becomes. So let's
look at some of the common lies associated with narcissism. First of all, on a low level,
sometimes there's no real point to the lie, they just do it. Now it could be the truth
is just too mundane. Or it could be, even though it seems pointless, the lie could be consistent
with their narrative. For instance that person they don't like, well they did something wrong,
something bad and they had to do something good in order to fix it. Then there's anything you can do
I can do better, and here we see competitiveness. I call it, it's like a game of one upmanship.
For instance, if you're a supervisor at work, well they re in senior management,
or at least they should be. If it took you five minutes to get served in a shop, well, the staff
flock around them because they're such an important and valued customer. It can of course,
go the other way. If it took you ten minutes to find a parking space, well it took them half an
hour. Or if you are ill, well just be grateful you're not as poorly as they are. They can engage
in histrionic behaviour to highlight superiority or victimhood. Anecdotes are either exaggerated
or just made up. But they're usually consistent with their opinion, their version of themselves.
Even if the lies seem pointless things, usually some element of self promotion. Or it could be
to move attention away from one area and onto them, or vice versa, to deflect attention away
from themselves depending on the situation. The second kind of lie is to manipulate.
This is to get what they want, to control others, to exploit or to dominate or control a narrative.
And here we see Machiavellianism. These kinds of lies are aimed at furthering their own agenda,
to promote themselves, to get ahead, maybe get into positions of power, responsibility,
or to be trusted. Sometimes they could just be aimed at getting attention or admiration or maybe
sympathy. To gain other people's confidence they may say things like, You can always depend on me.
You can trust me. Anybody who knows me knows I am a good person . They might tell stories about
their bravery, their virtue, their affluence. They might claim responsibility for other peoples work,
or at the very least claimed they had more input to it and they really had. To gain sympathy they
might exaggerate victimhood. Tell stories about how hard they've had it, how badly they ve being
treated. Or they might say things like, I just get into trouble because I'm too honest and others
don't like that, or, I always end up getting hurt because I'm far too trusting. Sometimes they might
gossip, tell lies about other people in order to tarnish their character or to sabotage them. Next,
they can lie to protect themselves from anyone getting too close, to avoid intimacy. Narcissists
can have relationships, they can have friendships, they can have partners and so on but many struggle
to have relationships of any real depth. They re what you would call surface level relationships.
They let people know about them, but not necessarily get to know them. In a romantic
relationship there could be what s known as arms length intimacy. That close, no further. They lie
to create obstacles. The relationship will move to the next level whenever the partner is less
like this and more like that. There are ever shifting standards, ever shifting conditions
just to prevent people from getting too close. But rather than say they struggle with intimacy,
they'll just blame the partner, lie to them. The partners never good enough. Then there are lies
that avoid responsibility and accountability. Narcissists have a very fragile sense of self.
They see themselves as good, perfect, flawless and so on, and find it difficult to admit that they ve
made a mistake or a done or said anything that might be considered bad or wrong. But they are
also highly resistant, sometimes highly sensitive to any kind of criticism. Now that criticism could
just be a dose of reality. But the lying is a maladaptive defence mechanism to protect a
fragile sense of self. Think of it like a House of Cards that might collapse under the slightest
breeze, never mind the weight of the truth. An example of protecting that view of themselves,
rather than admitting they failed a test because they didn't bother preparing,
they didn't bother studying, they might claim that test was rigged against them. When others try to
hold them accountable, they might feign innocence. They might say things like, When did this happen?
What are you talking about? You re crazy I don't remember that. And these kind of lies sometimes
makes it sound as if they're just innocent bystanders in their own lives. Curiously though,
do you ever notice when they're confronting other people, challenging other people,
it's like Anything I say will be used as evidence against you. Next they lie to punish.
Narcissists can be quite vindictive especially when they're emotionally wounded so much. And this
is where we see antagonism, being disagreeable, and in some cases sadism. Now sadism is taking
pleasure inflicting pain on others. Many victims of narcissistic abuse often claim it was after the
relationship and that the abuse ramped up a gear. The abuse included smear campaigns, telling lies,
half truths to their victims friends, their families, even to the kids. In some cases even
contacting their places of work. The narcissist s ego has been hurt, so they want revenge.
And the intent is to make their victim s life an even bigger misery. So there we see callousness.
They will claim victimhood, they will vilify the ex, try to cut off the ex-partner s social
support network and take it for themselves. There we see selfishness. And the lies they
tell tale there's about the ex-partner shifts the focus from their behaviours and onto the victims
motives and character. It was the ex who was the narcissistic abuser, and this is what's known as
projection, blaming others for the things they do themselves. Then there can be not so much lying,
but more withholding information. Now they might know something that someone really needs to know,
but they say nothing. Now it could be because there's nothing in it for them, and lacking
empathy they either don't understand or don't care why someone is struggling. It's nothing really to
do with them. So here we see selfishness again. Or they might enjoy seeing someone in distress,
and this would be a different kind of sadism. They re not necessarily causing it themselves, but they
do nothing to alleviate it even though they can. An example of that could be someone has mislaid
something important or something valuable and they re searching for it frantically. The narcissist
knows exactly where it is, but they say nothing. They re enjoying the distress that that person is
going through. And the last kind of lie is when they lie out of desperation. Now these lies would
be more chaotic in nature. They re poorly thought out and are more reactive to a situation rather
than thought through. And these lies could be to avoid facing the consequences of their actions.
They perhaps have been caught red handed. To avoid having to face reality or to avoid a
narcissistic collapse. As haphazard as their lies might be, though they would still be consistent
with their version of themselves. And the more lies they tell to cover up for themselves.
Sometimes they just sound as if they are the unluckiest person in the world. So there are some
of the common kinds of lies narcissist tell so what about the rationale? Well, as I said earlier,
they have a very weak sense of themselves. The lies prop up that sense of self. Thing is, not
all of their lies are ridiculous or fantastical. Some sound quite plausable, they're even grounded
in reality. But they twist that reality to suit their self concept, to suit their beliefs,
to suit their agenda. And because those lies sound quite plausable to others who don't know them,
they are often fooled, at least their fooled that first. And when they have a version of themselves,
or a version of reality that suits them, they repeat that narrative over and over again to
pretty much anyone who will listen. Another rationale behind the lies is what's known as
all or nothing thinking. For instance, they re not being disagreed with, they re being abused. They
didn't fail, they were cheated. They're not being told no, they re being hated. Again, with that
sense of entitlement, they are entitled to say whatever they want to get them what they want, to
get their own needs met, their own demands met and protecting their sense of self justifies anything
they say. So how do they react whenever there caught out? Well, some might lash out aggressively
and this is often known as narcissistic rage. Some might claim they had no choice but to lie.
They were trying to help someone, or they were trying to protect something. The lie was for
the greater good. So even when they're caught lying, they might still try to claim some kind
of virtue. Or they lie because they were treated badly. The people who hurt them did worse. So they
claim victimhood. They might claim that you're too stupid to understand, or you're being crazy.
You're being ridiculous. Why are you even bringing this up? So they claim superiority. Now, you
remember earlier on I was saying the more times they tell it, the more true they think it is?
They might claim they re not lying because everybody knows this. Ask those people over there
if you don't believe me. When in reality those people over there, they only heard this same lies.
Where you see a group of narcissists sometimes known as communal narcissists, they all tell the
same lies. They all validate each other. They all back each other up, support and defend each other.
They all repeat the same lies as if it s a mantra. I think what we see there is there not just
gaslighting other people, there gaslighting each other and themselves. Lastly, whenever they're
confronted with their lies, they tell more lies to cover for themselves, or the communal narcissists,
more lies to cover for each other. They double down on their narrative or come up with more
lies to reinforce the narrative. Their version is all that matters to them. Regardless of their
reactions to being caught to lyng or being caught in the wrong somehow the recurring theme is the
lies, the fault always lies outside of themselves. It is always external. Because they lack empathy
they either don't understand or don't care about the damage those lies can do to those around them.
They have no regard for the people they lie to or lie about. Many cases they underestimate other
people s ability to see through them. They sometimes think that people have magically
forgotten what they said five minutes ago if they're contradicting themselves. And some
narcissists struggle to understand why they are not or are no longer trusted, why people don't or
stop believing them. And lastly, do they believe their own lies? Well, I'm going to leave you with
a thought that I found quite insightful. This was from an article I d read sometime ago and
I'm sorry I can't remember who it was. I tried to find it online and I can't, to credit them
with it, but they claimed that to the narcissist these are not lies as such. To the narcissist,
it's the version that should be true. So that is a brief outline of a narcissist s lies. Now
as always there s things I haven t added, things I may have missed please feel free to use the
comment box below, there are some interesting conversations start around these videos. But I
hope you found this video interesting and if you did please consider subscribing to
my channel. And until next time, thanks for watching. To paraphrase my favourite Time Lord,
Some people don't alter their views to fit the facts. They alter the facts to fit their views.
And that can be quite uncomfortable if you happen to be one of those facts that need altering.