>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
LOOK WHO'S HERE.
IT'S JOHN OLIVER, EVERYBODY.
YESTERDAY WAS VALENTINE'S DAY.
>> TRUE.
>> Stephen: AND YOU HAVE A SWEETIE, YOUR WIFE, CATE.
DID YOU DO ANYTHING PARTICULARLY-- IS THERE A RING
ON THERE?
>> SHE PUT A RING ON IT.
>> Stephen: OH, WOW.
>> ♪ UH-OH OH, ♪
>> Stephen: EVIE AND I WENT OUT.
>> WE DIDN'T.
WE SAT AT HOME, PUT THE KIDS TO BED, MADE A LITTLE CHARTURE
COUTRE BEFORE.
IT DOESN'T TAKE LONG.
IT'S MEAT AND CHEESE.
MUNCHED ON THAT, FELL ASLEEP, AND THAT'S ANOTHER VALENTINE'S
DAY IN THE BOOK S.
>> Stephen: THAT HAS ITS OWN LEVEL OF ROMANCE.
>> OF COURSE.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU A PARTICULARLY ROMANTIC PERSON?
>> I DON'T-- I MEAN -- >> Stephen: DO YOU REMEMBER
THE FIRST PERSON YOU ASKED OUT?
HOW ABOUT THAT?
>> YES, I DO.
BECAUSE IT'S A BIG MOMENT.
I WAS FIVE YEARS OLD.
AS WE-- AS WAS SHE.
>> Stephen: WOW.
>> SHE WASN'T MARRIED.
SHE WAS CALLED SARAH CONSTABLE.
AND -- >> Stephen: WAIT, HER NAME WAS
SARAH CONSTABLE?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: THAT IS A MADE-UP MARY POPPIN'S NAME.
>> YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU'RE RIGHT.
IT'S ALMOST OFFENSIVELY BRITISH.
TWO FIVE-YEAR-OLDS IN BIRMINGHAM.
SHE HAD BLUE NATIONAL HEALTH-ISSUE GLASSES AND VERY,
VERY BRIGHT SHINY LACKURE SANDALS.
AND I THOUGHT I LIKE WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE.
( LAUGHTER )
LAQUER, LIKE PATENT LEATHER.
>> IT WAS PROBABLY PLASTIC BECAUSE IT WAS ENGLAND IN THE
70.
IT WAS REALLY SHINY.
AND I CAN'T REMEMBER ANY OF THE FEATURES OF THEIR FACE AT ALL.
SHE HAD THESE GLASSES AND A SCHOOL.
AND I ASKED HER IF SHE WANTED TO GO ON A PLAY DATE.
>> Stephen: A BLIND DATE?
>> NO, A PLAYIDATE DATE.
>> Stephen: OH, PLAY DATE.
>> BLIND DATE.
I WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER.
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S TRUE.
"HEY, SARAH..."
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: SO A PLAY DATE.
YOU SAID PLAY DATE?
>> I SAID WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME AROUND TO MY HOUSE TO PLAY?
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> AND I KNEW EVEN IF THAT MOMENT-- I HAD HAD KIDS AROUND
BEFORE TO PLAY.
AND I THOUGHT THIS IS THE KIND OF QUESTION YOU ASK AND THE
ANSWER COULD BE CRUSHING.
>> Stephen: AND SHE SAID?
>> SHE SAID, "I'LL HAVE TO ASK MY PARENTS."
AND THAT WAS A WIN, AS FAR AS I WAS CONCERNED.
>> Stephen: AND DID IT HAPPEN?
>> I'M JUST THINK AGO.
>> Stephen: DID IT ACTUALLY HAPPEN?
( APPLAUSE )
I'M LITERALLY THINKING, IT NEVER HAPPENED.
I CANNOT REMEMBER THOSE SANDALS WALKING INTO MY HOUSE.
>> Stephen: REALLY, THE SANDALS IS THE ONLY THING THAT
STICKS WITH YOU?
>> I REALLY WANTED THEM MYSELF.
>> Stephen: WHAT ARE THE ODDS THAT IS SHE'S GOING TO SEE THIS
INTERVIEW RIGHT NOW?
>> LOW.
I MEAN, WE WERE FIVE YEARS OLD IN BIRMINGHAM.
I LEFT BIRMINGHAM AT SIX YEARS OLD.
WE NEVER SAW EACH OTHER AGAIN.
SARAH.
I'M GOING TO ASSUME CONSTABLE STILL.
( LAUGHTER )
NAME, HASH TAG FEMINISM.
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM.
>> Stephen: GOOD POINT.
GOOD POINT.
SURE.
( LAUGHTER )
SITUATION, SARAH, RIGHT NOW, BUT I REMEMBER YOU.
WHEN I SAY "I REMEMBER YOU," I REMEMBER TWO ACCESSORIES THAT
YOU WORE.
( LAUGHTER )
ACCESSORIES THAT YOU HAD AS A FIVE-YEAR-OLD-- AND EVEN HEARING
THIS OUT LOUD I'M REALIZING HOW ALARMING AN APPROACH THIS MIGHT
COME ACROSS TO YOU-- PLEASE, PLEASE GET IN TOUCH AT AN EMAIL
I WILL NOT GIVE RIGHT NOW.
I HOPE -- >> Stephen: THERE IS SOMEONE
IN THE BRITISH PRESS RIGHT NOW TRYING TO HUNT DOWN SARAH
CONSTABLE.
>> OH, NO.
THAT IS HOW IT WORKS, ISN'T IT?
>> Stephen: THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT'S HAPPENING.
>> PLEASE LEAVE SARAH CONSTABLE ALONE.
SHE HAD AMAZING GLASSES AND TOP-SHELF BLACK PATENT PLASTIC
SHOES.
AND IT WAS THE FIRST TIME I THOUGHT I WANT TO SPEND MORE
TIME WITH THIS PERSON.
SHE UNDERSTANDABLY WANTED TO GET HER PARENTS INVOLVED IN THAT
TRANSACTION.
I TOTALLY GET IT.
I DO NOT REMEMBER THE PLAY DATE HAPPENING.
AND THAT'S A SHAME.
BUT, YOU KNOW, MY LIFE COULD HAVE GONE IN A DIFFERENT WAY.
SADLY, I'M NOT MR. CONSTABLE.
OF COURSE I WOULD HAVE TAKEN HER NAME.
ARE YOU ( BLEEP ) KIDDING ME?
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
( APPLAUSE )
BLACK LEATHER SANDALS, I WOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPIER THAN I AM NOW.
STILL, IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE.
THANKS FOR HAVING ME.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: NOW, SOME PEOPLE WATCHING KNOW YOU AS A COMEDIAN
( LAUGHS ) BUT MANY OUT THERE KNOW YOU AS A
FORME VIOLIST.
YOUR FIRST UP WAS THE VIOLA.
I THINK WE TALKED ABOUT THIS BRIEFLY ONCE BEFORE.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: AND I'M JUST CURIOUS-- WE DIDN'T REALLY GET
INTO IT AS MUCH AS I WOULD HAVE LIKED TO HAVE, BECAUSE I HAVE
SOME FRIENDS WHO PLAYED THE VIOLA, AND THEY RECOVERED.
AND I WAS WONDERING WHAT IT WAS THAT KEPT YOU FROM PURSUING
THAT.
WHY DIDN'T YOU GO FOR-- IT'S A SEXY INSTRUMENT?
>> IT WAS A-- IT WAS A-- WELL, I WOULD MAKE-- THE JOKE OF THE OH,
STRARK THE VIOLA.
IT'S ONE STRING DOWN.
IT HAS A "C" STRING.
>> Stephen: I HAVE A SERIES-- A SERIES OF VIOLA JOKES HERE.
>> HIT ME.
>> Stephen: HOW DO YOU KEEP YOUR VIOLA FROM BEING STOLEN?
>> HOW DO YOU KEEP YOUR VIOL FROM BEING STOLEN, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: PUT IT IN A VIOLA CASE.
( LAUGHTER )
VIOLA AND A COFFIN?
>> STEPHEN, WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE VIOLA AND
THE COFFIN?
>> Stephen: THE COFFIN HAS A DEAD PERSON ON THE INSIDE.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A VIOLA AND
AN ONION.
>> WHAT THE IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A VIOLA AN ONION.
NO ONE CRIES WHEN YOU CUT UP A VIOLA.
HOLY ( BLEEP )!
( APPLAUSE )
OF A JOKE.
THAT'S JUST A HEARTBREAKING THING TO SAY.
>> Stephen: IT IS, YES.
WHY DIDN'T YOU PURSUE THE VIOLA?
>> BECAUSE I GOT QUITE GOOD AT IT, GOOD ENOUGH TO REALIZE I WAS
HITTING A HARD, CONCRETE CEILING, AND IT WAS CAUSING ME
NOTHING BUT MISERY.
BECAUSE THE FRUSTRATING IS, I KNEW HOW I WANTED IT TO SOUND, I
KNEW HOW IT SHOULD SOUND, AND COULDN'T DO IT.
AND EVERY TIME I PRACTICED I WANTED PETE TOWNSEND TO ENTER
THE ROOM.
>> Stephen: THAT'S THE THING ABOUT INSTRUMENTS-- NOT FOR
THESE FELLAS-- THERE'S A POINT WHERE YOU THINK I'M NEVER BE
GOOD.
AND THEN YOU GO I'M GETTING GOOD.
AND THEN YOU GET A LITTLE BETTER, AND YOU'RE LIKE I'M
AWFUL.
>> WHEN THEY GIVE YOU GREAT MUSIC AND YOU MASSACRE IT IN
FRONT OF THEIR PAINED FACES HAVING ACTUALLY PRACTICED.
THERE WAS ONE POETIC MOMENT I'M GLAD IT GAVE ME.
I PLAYED THE VIOLA IN THE SCHOOL AND PLAYED ON ALL THE SCHOOL
SPORTS TEAMS, WHICH MAY BE MORE OF A SURPRISE.
I WENT TO ORCHESTRA PRACTICES WITH MUD AND BLOOD ON ME.
AND THEN I WROOG TO SPORTS PRACTICES WITH MY VIOLA CASE,
AND WHICH OF THOSE TWO WORLDS DO YOU THINK WAS MORE ACCEPTING OF
THE OTHER?
BUT THERE WAS THIS-- MY SPORTS TEACHER, AFTER THIS ONE GAME
THAT WE PLAYED, I WAS LAST OUT OF THE LOCKER ROOM, AND HE
STOOD-- I WAS LEAVING WITH MY CASE.
AND HE STOOD BETWEEN ME AND THE DOOR AND HE SAID, "IS THAT WHAT
I THINK IT IS, OLIVER?" AND I SAID, "LET'S NOT DO THIS."
AND HE SAID, "I USED TO PLAY THE VIOLIN.
DO YOU MIND HAVE I HAVE A GO?" SO I TOOK THIS CHILD-SIZED
VIOLAING, AND I HANDED IT TO HIM AND SHE HE TOOK IT IN HIS MEATY
HAND, AND HE DELICATELY PUT IT UNDER HIS CHIN AND WITH THE BOW
AND STRING AND STARTED TO PLAY.
IN THAT MOMENT I WAS THINKING THE OF THERE'S A WORLD IN WHICH
THE SOUND HE IS ABOUT TO MAKE IS BEAUTIFUL.
HE PLAYED THE BACH, DOUBLE CONCERTO, SLOW MOVEMENT,
SOMETHING TRULY INCREDIBLE.
BUT WE DIDN'T LIVE IN THAT WORLD.
( LAUGHTER )
CHOSE TO PLAY-- I SWEAR THIS IS TRUE-- "THREE BLIND MICE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WITH ALL THE SKILLS OF A MAN WHO HADN'T TOUCHED A MUSICAL
INSTRUMENT IN 20 YEARS AND WAS ( BLEEP ) TERRIBLE THE LAST TIME
HE HAD, HE PUT THE VIOLIN BACK INTO MY CASE, CLOSED IT UP,
HANDED IT TO ME, AND SAID, "LET'S NEVER SPEAK OF THIS
MOMENT EVER AGAIN."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
FOR THAT REASON, AND THAT REASON ALONE, I'M --
>> Stephen: AND THIS IS THE FIRST TIME YOU HAVE MENTIONED
IT.
>> THE FIRST TIME.
>> Stephen: YOU JUST BROKE A PROMISE.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
HE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT LATE-NIGHT TELEVISION IN
AMERICA.
>> Stephen: OKAY, GOOD.
WE HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK, BUT, PLEASE, YOU STAY THERE, AND YOU
COME BACK.
BECAUSE WHEN WE COME BACK I WILL ASK JOHN ABOUT THE NEXT NEW
SEASON NINE OF IT "LAST WEEK TONIGHT."
WILL