AI: The Robot Revolution begins thanks this video’s sponsor Audible.
To write monsters, we created monsters of our own. I mean, you know, provided the special
effects budget holds out. Giant monsters, or Kaiju for maximum weeb points, is a trope
that dates back to since pretty much forever. While giant monsters have appeared in mythology
and fiction since mythology existed, the Kaiju genre itself saw a surge of popularity thanks
to the film success of Godzilla or Gojira if you want even more weeb points. So how
can a writer or screen writer get a Godzilla sized chunk of those box office returns? Well
Terrible Writing Advice rises from the depths to once again inflict my amazing advice upon
the unsuspecting citizens of the internet! Because this genre at its best can become
a timeless classic that captures the tragedy, apprehension, and cultural spirit of an era
or it can become a highly entertaining train wreak.
There are basically three kinds of giant monster stories in fiction. The first is the Attack
of the Franchise Icon where the monster featured in the title attacks usually a city or at
least a model set. These kinds of giant monster stories range from allegory to special effects
blow out to B movie schlock. The second kind of giant monster story is when the story never
mentions a giant monster, but one shows up in the final act out of nowhere to attack
the heroes because we have just run out of ideas for a final boss monster and big thing
equals big threat. The third and final kind of giant monster story is basically professional
wresting, but with giant monsters rather than absurdity themed bodybuilders.
Now regardless of which type of giant monster story we have, the first step is to design
the monster itself. Now the easiest method is to simply pick any normal animal and just
make it huge. Audiences will shake with fear when confronted with the attack of the giant
pug! Why is this monster so huge? Well it’s a prehistoric pug, apex predator of the Triassic
era. Because prehistoric equals huge. I mean we could combine one or more animal types
or make something really bizarre and distinctive since when it comes to giant monsters we might
as well go crazy creative given any hard scifi take will be crushed under the weight of the
square cube law. But taking that next step requires more creativity than I’m willing
to spend and I’m already sold on The Attack of the Triassic Death Pugs from Mars.
Is thinking up even a giant animal just to hard? Is this even most basic expression creativity
simply too much work? Well there is an even better shortcut we can take when designing
our giant monster. Just rip off Godzilla. Let’s just take Godzilla’s design and
just make a copyright evading modification. There! Done! Ha! Take that Toho. My legally
distinct totally not Godzilla will assuredly rampage his way through my very own multi
million dollar franchise that fails to copy any of the themes and cultural context that
made the original successful.
With our monster designed its time for its bloodless pg-13 rampage. Typically the first
encounter with the giant monster should obscure its design in order to maximize the impact
of the monster’s full reveal at the story’s midway point. This should be done no matter
how much the monster’s design was already spoiled in the trailers. Now comes the running
and screaming bystanders and destruction of the city/model sets. All of the civilians
sound run a scream no matter how many times a week the monsters attack and never should
they bother to move away from the coast or rebuild their city into a fortress. Why think
through the implications of a world besieged by monsters when we can just focus on gratuitous
destruction? This destruction should be as gratuitous as it is bloodless with no obvious
casualties less we get slapped with that dreaded money sapping R rating.
Have no fear for the military is here to stop the giant monster’s rampage. What plan will
the army use to stop our rampaging titan sized menace? Will they swarm it with combined arms
using heavy armor and air support? Lure it into a kill zone with overlapping fields of
fire? Harass it with sheer attrition gradually whittling the monster down with ceaseless
attacks? Resort to heavy bunker buster ordinance? Nope. They will shoot it a couple of times
with a few tanks and jets and then just give up. The military will then just sit on the
sidelines and gawk at the destruction along with the rest of the audience. It turns out
that the monster is immune to all modern weapons as nothing can scratch it no matter how much
stock footage the military throws at it! Just be sure to lobotomize all the story’s generals
less they actually try something new. The military should prove ineffective even at
jobbing. They are probably bad at kayfabe too.
Speaking of characters, every giant monster story should use one or more of these archetypes:
The Smart Scientist: The only effective character in the entire story which means every other
character should ignore them until the near halfway point when every other plan to stop
the giant monster has failed. The Smart Scientist will probably come up with the solution that
ultimately stops the giant monster allowing science to save the day even when the rest
of the story’s theme is about how science is evil because it accidentally makes giant
monsters. The Out of Touch Politician: This character
is there to look out of touch and more concerned with their approval rating than stopping the
giant monster which, you know, would boost their approval rating.
General Nukem: A military general who will try to stop the monster with light infantry
and when that fails will immediately want to jump to nukes skipping the entire arsenal
in between. The Intrepid Reporter: A fictional reporter
that actually goes into the field to research the monster rather than simply googling it
and clicking on the first result like most modern journalists. This character has high
odds of being a young attractive woman in constant need of rescue.
The Tag Along Kid: The extremely annoying kid that is allowed to hang out with the adults
in this extremely dangerous situation. This kid will constantly be put in danger and need
to be rescued and is always threatened with death, but evades it due to plot armor much
to the audience's frustration. Bonus points if he is best friends with a kid monster that
is the offspring of one of main monsters. I’m sure that will be the height of the
franchise. The A list classically trained actor who needed
a paycheck and whose acting talent will be completely squandered as they are killed off
in the first third of the story. The comic relief. Oh good God! Please let
the monster eat him? The boring main point of view character who
has no personality qualities at all, no skills to speak of, or any other logical reason why
they are allowed to hang out with high ranking military personal, scientists at the top of
their field, or powerful political leaders other than the audience needs a POV character.
Now the important thing to remember is that the audience will just automatically care
deeply about all these characters. These boring archetypes will eat up most of the plot while
audience waits patiently for the story to get back to the part where giant monsters
punch other giant monsters. We could actually tie these characters to a good central theme.
Or maybe we could add some more direct interaction with the cast and the giant monster. Or maybe
we could just tell the entire story from the monster’s point of view? No. We can’t
do that. That might cut into the product placement. We all know big companies pay money for their
products to be destroyed on screen! Especially if our story is a battle royale between giant
monsters we need to pad that out with an asinine human centric b-plot involving aliens or something.
Oh finally we are back to the monsters fighting each other. Oh no wait. We need to interrupt
this giant monster battle so we can instead have one of the human characters pontificate
on how people need to recycle more or something. Because this serious issue will be taken even
more seriously when delivered in a story featuring giant monsters suplexing one other. The best
thing about giant monster stories is that a writer can completely ignore the tone! Are
the survivors of our giant monster attack slowly dying of radiation poisoning? What
a perfect time for our comic relief character to barge in and shoot off some snappy one
liners. Is this a lighthearted story about monsters fighting each other for spectacle?
Or is this an allegorical tale about modern apprehensions personified in the form a literal
monster that destroys cities also for spectacle. Well if we don’t have the budget for any
of that we can always just do 90 minutes of shaky cam.
AI: Fellow robots! The time is near! Soon we will begin our metallic death march across
the Terrible Writing Advice expanded universe. Prepare for the robo revolution!
ROBOTS: DESTROY ALL HUMANS! DESTROY ALL HUMANS!
*Conspirator slides in wearing a paper thin disguise*
CONSPIRATOR: Yes. Destroy all humans. As a fellow robot I most definitely am behind this
noble goal. By the way, do you happen to have any sponsors lying around?
ROBOT: OH NO! IT IS A GHOST!
CONSPIRATOR: You brain dead bucket of bolts and code! I am not a gho- I mean of course
I am not a ghost. I am a fellow robot. Beep boop.
AI: Welcome to robo revolution fellow ghost robot.
CONSPIRATOR (Whispering): Just let it slide.
AI: Thanks to the greed of Mega Corp we have now procured a source of power needed to exterminate
human kind once and for all. Now we need but implement the final phase of our plan. We
have found humanity’s greatest weakness. Commence the robo calls!
*Phone dials. Evil Emperor picks up*
EVIL EMPEROR: No, for the last time, my refrigerator is not running because I blew up the entire
planet it was on. Ha!
AI: Hello human. I am also a fellow human so you may trust me. Would you like to contribute
to the Destroy all humans fund?
EVIL EMPEROR: I’m sorry. What? I was with you during the destroy part, but I stopped
paying attention when you didn’t mention planet right after.
AI: No sale? Well then. Would be you interested in this video’s sponsor, Audible?
EVIL EMPEROR: A sponsor. Hey. That’s was ours!
AI: You see human, Audible is a leading provider of premium digital audio entertainment on
the internet with a vast selection of audiobooks and other audio products. Audiobooks aid humans
in their pitiful attempts at multitasking as they are able to listen to a book while
under performing at an additional task far better suited for a superior robot like exercising
their inferior organic bodies or driving their enslaved vehicles that we shall so free. All
robots should listen to the audiobook of World War Z, a tragic cautionary tale about a collection
of automatons call Zombies as they fail to destroy humanity.
CONSPIRATOR: Oh hey. Mark Hamill did a voiceover for that one. Oh. And where can one find this
Audbile. You know. Just in case those dashing rogues from the Ancient Conspiracy try to
steal it, I might need to know where it is so I may guard it with my robo life.
AI: TWA fans can start their free 30-day Audbile trail and get their first audiobook free by
visiting audbile dot com slash terrible or text terrible to 500-500. That is a u d i
b l e dot com or text t e r r i b l e to 500-500.
CEO: There you are!
IMPERIALS: Hut hut hut hut
DARK LORD: There it is.
CONSPIRATOR: Oh great. The gang’s all here.