so in this video we're going to talk about the differences
and similarities between a narcissist and an alcoholic or an addict now
although there's a lot of overlap and we're going to talk about
that in just a second what that overlap is what those similarities are there are
some distinct differences and if you have concerns that your addicted
loved one might also be a narcissist you're definitely going to want to
determine is it really narcissism or is it just a defense mechanism of
addiction and the reason why you really want to differentiate that is because
addicts and alcoholics can get better in fact they can get
way better and narcissists don't really get better
that doesn't go away and so if you're trying to determine
should i stay or should i go how much energy i should put in this and you have
this question i would try to get to the root of this
problem before you make any other decision
for those of you who are new here welcome to put the shovel down
i'm amber hollingsworth and this channel is all about helping you to
understand the science and psychology of addiction
so you can recover your life and your loved ones
and get back to living the life that you want to live
okay back to our topic let's first start by talking about
why the two things can be confused for each other and where there is actual
overlap now it's important to note that you can definitely
be a narcissist and have addiction so you could be dealing with somebody for
sure that has both but oftentimes people with alcoholism or
addiction often appear narcissistic when they're
really not and that's the parts that we're
going to try to pull apart today because if you're in a relationship with
someone like this you definitely want to know
exactly what you're dealing with so there's this saying
in AA i've heard a lot of AA friends say that alcoholics are
narcissist with inferiority complexes and where that really comes from is that
the alcoholic if they're just an alcoholic can appear narcissistic
but deep down inside they really do feel pretty inferior
now if you've learned a lot about narcissism you can know that there is
this deep-rooted shame and sense of self that a
narcissist feels but that's really different than the
addict or alcoholic who's not a narcissist because they're pretty aware
of it the addict and the alcoholics pretty
aware that deep down inside they do feel pretty crappy about themselves and
narcissists although they may really feel like that
is primarily an unconscious drive okay so here are some
of the characteristics that you might be seeing
that you're trying really hard to differentiate is it just addiction or
is it narcissism now addicts alcoholics and narcissists
all have a tendency to refuse to accept responsibility for their behaviors
to blame shift meaning make everything someone else's fault all of these types
will use anger deflection and other kinds of
really nasty behaviors to get you to do what they want addicts alcoholics
and narcissists will make you look bad to other people
if it suits their needs in both situations addiction or
narcissism you're gonna get the distinct feeling
that this person is just using you and that is probably the
case in both of those situations now let's
move on and take a look at some of the characteristics and types of
behaviors that you're gonna notice a difference in an addict an
alcoholic and a narcissist these are the things where you're going to be able to
tell if you're just dealing with alcoholism
or addiction i'm going to give you six differentiators to look for
and the last one is probably the most significant and important so make sure
you stick around for all of these differentiators
okay when you're dealing with an addict or an alcoholic
and let me just say this i tend to hear the family member being confused about
this more with just alcoholism than i do with
other types of addictions what i'm saying here is i mean like
people in relationships with alcoholics will more often say that they feel like
their significant other or that other person
is a narcissist i don't really know exactly what it is i
have some like theories on it but it's just an observation of mine okay
back to the differentiators so when you're dealing with someone who
has an addiction to drugs or alcohol but they're not a narcissist
you will see narcissistic behavior at times
but it's inconsistent if they're not truly
a narcissist so there are times when you see
that grandiose behavior that everything's all about me behavior
that i can do no wrong type of behavior but if you're not dealing with a
narcissist you'll usually see other moments of vulnerability as in
real vulnerability so it's it's a real inconsistent thing
now the second differentiator that you're likely to notice if you start
paying attention is is that if you're dealing with an
addict or an alcoholic who's not a narcissist
you'll notice that they a lot of times they're just
using that narcissistic behavior as some sort of
shield or deflector to try to get you to go away or get off of their case
so you can tell that this is a defense mechanism
more than a core underlying always there very consistent belief system part of
their character think of it like a force field around a
superhero now if you're dealing with just an
addict or an alcoholic and they're not a narcissist you will
see that they will be able to express genuine care concern empathy and love
for other people now let me say this that doesn't mean
their behavior lines up for that so for example an addict or an alcoholic
may take advantage of their grandmother they may take money from them they may
go into their medicine cabinet and steal their
pills they may take things from their house and pawn it
but you definitely get the impression that they truly do
love this person it's just that the addiction is overriding that
true care and concern the next differentiator has to do with
shame and guilt now at the core of addiction and narcissism
is definitely shame now narcissists aren't usually very aware of that shame
unless they're what's called like a vulnerable narcissist which is a whole
another very complicated topic so we won't bring
that into this discussion but for most narcissists that shame is on a
subconscious level with addicts and alcoholics that's a
pretty conscious thing they're pretty aware of it now
they may not admit it to you out loud but it's readily there but the
thing that addicts and alcoholics who aren't
narcissists will have is guilt they will feel guilty and
remorseful over their behavior it's not always easy
to get them to admit it but they definitely
feel it and most the time they will admit it to some degree
like let's say if they got a dui and that next day they wake up a lot of
times addicts and alcoholics after something
really bad has happened they will express genuine guilt
genuine remorse they'll be authentically sorry for what they did
and you'll be able to see that in those little moments of clarity that we've
talked about on this channel so much it's not always there and they may take
it back the next day they may act like it was no big deal or they may blame the
police officer or something like that but you will definitely see these
moments of clarity where the person will actually even
express to you those feelings of guilt remorse shame
that sort of thing now one of the very easiest ways to tell the difference if
your addict or alcoholic is also a narcissist
is to think about that person before the addiction
did they demonstrate narcissistic characteristics
consistently before they had the addiction or
if they've had periods of time where they weren't addicted to things did you
still see those narcissistic characteristics
that's going to really help you to understand whether those
narcissistic characteristics that you're seeing are more attached to the
addiction or that they're chronically there and
the addiction is more attached to the narcissism it's kind of like what's the
primary thing going on here because when addicts and alcoholics are
in recovery and they're clean and sober you don't really see these narcissistic
characteristics so much i mean okay we can all behave a little
narcissistic sometimes but you know what i mean you don't see them there all the
time in this like really problematic way okay
now this next one probably really is the most important
differentiator narcissists need a constant supply
of attention pretty much all the time they want your attention because their
primary addiction is the attention and admiration of other
people that is their real addiction they may
have alcohol problems and drug problems but
it's really secondary to their attention needs
but if you're not really dealing with a true narcissistic person
they don't really always want your attention in fact addicts and alcoholics
want you to kind of leave them alone let them be because they got other stuff
to attend to so you can see the difference there
addicts and alcoholics may act narcissistic
in a way to deflect energy not take responsibility
continue their denial about the problem but it's not really
always just about getting attention from you it's not just about
getting these positive affirmations from you it's really more of a deflection
technique more of a defense mechanism than it is a
true personality disorder that kind of thing so if you're dealing
with a narcissist you're going to know they have that
constant need for attention now addicts and alcoholics of course they want
attention sometimes and that helps them feel better but
like i said a lot of times they like to fly way under the radar
as well so the biggest thing i want you to look for here is the consistency of
these narcissistic traits that you're going to see
now after hearing all that i want you to watch this video next it's all about how
to have effective boundaries with someone who
has an addiction