you know rise through this thingy cars
which is so disgusting they actually
think they'll get a woman to pull over
and go on a date with them I know some
of you are smiling cuz you know what I'm
talking about
and they actually think this will turn
us on it's amazing to me what the [ __ ]
is that what are these guys think we're
gonna do be like wow he's hot I'm gonna
pull over I finally found my soul mate
on the road can you imagine if we did
that to you guys you would pull over in
a second you would crash into a [ __ ]
wall can you imagine if a woman was like
hi
[Applause]
if you didn't just laugh at that there's
something wrong with you like that that
joke works that you know who loved that
joke my grandmother she's like that in
your ass joke is one of the funniest
things I ever saw you should do without
on Nickelodeon's I'm so hungry you know
I actually I really am I'm [ __ ]
starving right now I'm being very honest
with you I could have grabbed Dom in
something something from the food that
was sitting there but you know it's kind
of dangerous when you're nervous let me
tell you what happened the first time I
ever got drunk I got very drunk okay I
loved drinking I got wasted and I was
like fifteen years old and my friends
all came over and it was during the day
it was think this is totally true so I'm
like you know and I'm the class clown
I'm the one that's always trying to get
people to lay off and that that's how
I've been my whole life so one of my
friends we went outside and my night my
friends like ah ah and there was like go
outside on the lawn it'll be hilarious
so my friend pulls down her pants and
pees on my mother's lon
so I'm like I have to [ __ ] he's a true
story I they're like [ __ ] ah ah
[Applause]
[Music]
and I'm like wow if this will get people
to like me more I am gonna take a dump
on my mother's lon I don't care I am
gonna make it a really good one like I'm
gonna make a Jane I am gonna commit so I
did can you [ __ ] believe that I [ __ ]
on my own mother's lawn and the next day
I was so sick out of my mind and go to
school for like three day I was so sick
and my mom walks in and she first she
banged on the door and she's like
Jessica open the door I'm like oh my god
she found a beer bottle she found a cap
I'm [ __ ] dead like this is horrible
and all of a sudden I opened the door
and she's holding the dog by the collar
this is a true story and she goes I told
you not to let the dog [ __ ] in front of
the house she took us both out there and
what the dog's nose in my [ __ ] it was
the most selfish thing I've ever done
I'll never forget the dog's face looking
back at me like what the [ __ ] is going
on so back to food I was a hundred
pounds heavier I was I lost 100 pounds
but don't clap I'll gain it back she's
gonna gain it back so no I tried I it's
I tried Atkins anyone ever try that it's
great and one day I had no crackers no
muffins no cake I had 16 chickens a
dozen eggs and a lamb I ate a whole
[ __ ] farm just attacked it I had the
fence the tractor
I had hey you can't follow a [ __ ] on
your mother's lawn joke with an Atkins
joke you're sabotaging yourself you need
to allow yourself to succeed
I tried mushrooms and the guy goes take
the whole bag that's a true story
take the whole [ __ ] bed trust me
you'll see a lot of [ __ ] so I did
because it was vegetables I had the
points do you know that for six hours I
saw my sweaters flying out of my closet
at me
they were folding themselves in midair
this is not a joke and then a goat came
by and [ __ ] me and ever since then I
have loved feta cheese I know some of
you look really confused you never know
when a goat might get on top of you so
you just have to be weary the sound they
make is not sexy you just have to change
it masters and soldier work
[Music]
[Applause]
you