Mark: Hey, it's Mark here from Make Him Yours and today, we're talking some really interesting
content about five common phrases that you'd probably use every day or say potentially
every day in your relationship that are actually pushing men away and making your partner fall
out of love with you.
You're gonna find this content really interesting.
And I've got Bryan Reeves the relationship insight ninja with me to talk about this stuff.
Again, Bryan is one of the wisest and most intelligent relationship dating coaches that
I know, coaches, both men and women, and he's been a former air force captain.
So he's really gone into the depths of what masculine pain represents and come through
that to have beautiful, empowering relationships in his own life.
Been featured on Oprah, that was all with 30-40 something million views on your blog.
So the man knows what he's talking about.
Bryan, do you wanna kick us off? What's the first one?
Bryan: So before we get started, I also want to clarify that these five common phrases that we're
going to give you, it goes both ways when he says these things to you, it also.
Mark: There's no gender specificity.
Bryan: It's really not.
But anyway, here's phrase number one and it's actually two words, right and wrong.
The words right and wrong.
Banish those from your vocabulary.
Look, I believe in skillful and unskillful, I believe in uh, agreements and we can break
agreements, right, but right and wrong, who gets to decide what's right and wrong?
The minute you assign that label to what your partner is doing or not doing, you invite
him into a debate.
You're right, you're wrong.
Who's right and wrong?
You invite a debate and relationships do not connect over logical facts and who's right
and who wrong.
That's where relationships actually collapse.
Mark: Number two, is you should or you shouldn't.
We can should all over ourselves in relationships, but the reality is, as soon as you're using
this phrase, you should or you shouldn't.
What you're really doing is you're projecting your values and what you want someone else
to do with their own life onto them.
So as Bryan says, it's exactly the same for men.
If men are saying to you, you should or you shouldn't, just as bad.
Anytime that should word is coming up, especially in the "you should" format.
It means that someone is trying to control someone else.
Men especially, everyone's going to resist this.
Men especially we can say as men getting said, you should or you shouldn't tell you, it's
going to create that distance.
Bryan: Yeah, if you're attracted to a more masculine partner.
The masculine value is freedom.
And what I call the masculine objection is don't tell me what to do.
So you may recognize that fight in your, in your relationship experiences.
Don't tell me what to do.
The word should or shouldn't, same with right and wrong, are our words that essentially
give direction, push in a direction to do something or not do something.
And that immediately triggers that uh, masculine objection.
Mark: Number three, Bryan.
Bryan: Have to, need to, I have to.
You have to.
You need to.
I need to.
Again, we're not living in prison.
A relationship is not a prison.
It should not be an obligation.
A relationship at its finest is an invitation, not an obligation.
The words I have to, I need to, or you have to, you need to, again, they're victim language.there
we are powerless and this is how things must be.
And again, I encourage you to banish those words from your vocabulary.
Take them out.
And because notice again, we're all adults.
We're adults.
We're free to live as we choose.
It doesn't mean there aren't consequences.
Of course there are consequences to everything,
Mark: 100%.
Bryan: but again, I believe in, we can learn skills, we can learn new practices, but have
to need to, it implies victimhood and an imprisonment.
And that doesn't feel good to anybody.
Instead, try the words, want to.
Mark: Love it.
Bryan: And this is a deeper conversation that we don't have time for here.
Uh, that's one of the main distinctions I actually work with in my, in my own coaching
practices is, is flipping half to need to into want to, Oh boy, that's an exciting and,
and, and confronting.
It confronts a lot of our thoughts about the way we think, the way we think things need
or have to be.
I love that.
How good is this guy's content?
Mark: Number four is "how could you possibly."
There is literally nothing good that comes after that sentence.
How could you possibly have done this?
How could you possibly think that?
How could you possibly be in this place?
It all is going to make the other person feel low, bad about themselves.
They're just words that are going to break rapport, drive men away and break up your
relationships.
Bryan: And number five, "you are being," you are being again, anything that comes after
that look, unless it's your being awesome, that's okay, that's fine.
But usually that's not what comes after you are being, you are being a _______.
You are being insensitive even, you are being whatever.
Even if it's even if there's some truth to it, basically dictating what your partner,
what the person in front of you is being is incredibly disempowering to their own experience.
And likewise, you are being, you're being crazy.
You are being irresponsible.
You are being irrational.
Boy, it immediately invites conflict.
Exactly.
So rather, instead of you are being, I am feeling and not I am feeling that you are being.
Bryan: No, no, no, no.
I'm feeling really uncomfortable right now.
I'm feeling unheard.
Not you are being a bad listener, but I'm feeling unheard, right?
But "you are being" banished that erase them from your vocabulary because it just pushes
love and connection away.
And again, notice, it does so for you.
So of course it does so for him.
Mark: 100% so the "I feel, I want" statements expressing your own experience.
So powerful as soon as it gets projecting and telling and you are being this or how
could you possibly this.
Bryan: that's right.
And notice what you're doing when you stay in that I'm feeling, I feel uncomfortable,
I feel unsafe.
I feel you're creating an invitation.
Mark: That vulnerability,
Bryan: there's a vulnerability and it doesn't mean he still might not resist because he
may still hear in I'm feeling unsafe.
He may here you are being dangerous.
He still may hear that.
Just be aware of that.
So, but staying committed to what you're feeling and avoiding the "you are being," and you
may even have to remind him.
I'm not saying that you're being dangerous.
I'm not saying that you're being a certain way.
I'm just telling you that I'm feeling this.
You're creating an invitation for him to care about, to be curious about what's happening
for you.
Mark: To bond too.
Yeah, I love it.
Thank you so much for coming in, Bryan.
We came up with that content as an extra video you haven't seen.
I did a video with Bryan on How Men Fall in Love and How to Spot A Guy Who is Not Ready
For Love.
Those are fantastic and this was some extra content that we came up between us and so
important.
That was fun.
The language we use in these videos.
Mark: Bryan, thanks for coming in.
Bryan: Pleasure Mark
Mark: all the way out here in California.
Thanks for having us here.
It's a, we've had a lot of fun here.
Let me know what you think of Bryan and the content in the video and of course my contribution
as well.
Put it all in the thoughts below, or your thoughts, comments, questions rather in the
comment section below, hit the subscribe button with the little bell, and don't forget to
watch the next video of ours as well.
Bryan too, you have a great program on boundaries.
Bryan: Yes.
It's called the Boundaries Program, Relationships Suck Without Boundaries.
Mark: Awesome program.
Bryan is one of the wisest, most knowledgeable relationship coaches I know.
So make sure you check it out@bryanreeves.com/boundaries.
Bryan, thanks for coming in.
Bryan: Pleasure brother.
Pleasure and, and also, uh, tell us what you think about my lady's lovely couch, the pink
couch.
My fiance so we could [inaudible].
She's amazing.
We kicked her out of our office so that we could take her her pink couch with these lovely
bluebirds.
Mark: Thanks for watching guys.
We'll see you in the next video.
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