>> TODAY, VERMONT THAT'S RIGHT BERNIE SANDERS KICKED OFF HIS
CAMPAIGN FOR PRESIDENT.
>> HE'S A LONG SHOT. >> A LONG SHOT.
>> I DON'T THINK HE'S GOING TO BE TAKEN TOO INCREDIBLY.
>> BERNIE SANDERS A SOCIALIST, FOR GOD'S SAKE.
>> I THICK BROOKLYN ACCENT.
>> HE'S 73 YEARS OLD, HE LOOKS 91.
> HE''S A LITTLE CRUSTY.
>> HE'S A LOON, ISN'T HE?
>> Jon: HE OWNS A V.H.S. COPY OF TOOTSIE!
THAT LAST ONE SEEMED KIND OF LIKE A WEIRD SLAM.
TOOTSIE IS A FINE FILM
CERTAINLY THE BEST CROSS-DRESSING DUSTIN HOFFMAN
MOVIE THAT'S BEEN RELEASED PUBLICLY.
(LAUGHTER)
BUT YOU KNOW, THE POINT IS SANDER 'S A LOON!
HE WEARS SOCKS ON HIS HANDS AND GLOVES ON HIS FEET!
HE BUTTERS HIS BREAD WITH VASELINE!
HE LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA.
IF SALVADOR DALI AND DR. SEUESS HAD A CHILD, AND THAT CHILD WAS
RAISED BY SCHIZOPRHENIC HOWLER MONKEYS, IT WOULD BE BERNIE
SANDERS!
GIVE ME A TASTE OF THIS CRAZY CUCKOO BIRD!
>> IF A BANK IS TOO BIG TO FAIL, THAT BANKS IS TOO BIG TO EXIST.
WE MUST ESTABLISH PAY EQUITY FOR WOMEN WORKERS.
WE MUST BE FOCUSED ON CAMPAIGN FINANCE REFORM... INSTEAD OF
CUTTING SOCIAL SECURITY, WE ARE GOING TO EXPAND SOCIAL SECURITY
BENEFITS!
>> Jon: WHAT A -- A -- A
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
WHAT A RATIONAL, SLIGHTLY LEFT OF CENTER, MAINSTREAM
POLITICIAN.
I MEAN, HE'S EXCITABLE, CERTAINLY UNPOLISHED, AS
EVIDENCED BY HIS TO DELIVER HIS INCOME EQUALITY SPEECH IN FRONT
OF A REGATTA.
BUT HE'S NOT CRAZY.
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SANDERS AND HILLARY CLINTON, BESIDES THE
FACT SHE HAS HER OWN INTERNET SERVICE IN HER HOUSE AND HE
ISN'T SURE HE'S ONLINE UNLESS HE HEARS THIS --
[MODEM SOUND]
>> WELCOME.
>> Jon: BUT THE REAL DIFFERENCE IS, HILLARY HAS PROFESSIONAL
IMAGE HANDLERS...
TELLING HER TO COMB HER HAIR --
TODAY... AND TOMORROW... MAKE IT A REGULAR THING.
AND HILLARY INSTEAD OF USING YOUR ACTUAL VOICE, MAKE IT SOUND
LIKE YOU'RE FROM WHATEVER REGION IT IS YOU'RE TALKING TO.
IN FACT, HERE'S THE ILLINOIS- BORN, NEW ENGLAND-EDUCATED
SENATOR SPEAKING IN SOUTH CAROLINA.
>> I'M AWARE I MAY NOT BE THE YOUNGEST CANDIDATE IN THIS RACE,
BUT I HAVE ONE BIG ADVANTAGE, I HAVE BEEN COLORING MY HAIR FOR
YEARS!
(LAUGHTER)
>> Jon: NOW ANYWAY, IF Y'ALL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO GET
SHELL BY'S JUICE!
SHE'S HAVING A FIT!
WHERE ARE MY FRAYED GREEN TOMATOES!
LISTEN UP, SENATOR, I'LL DO THE LINDSAY LOHAN IMPRESSIONS AROUND
HERE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THE PROBLEM ISN'T BERNIE SANDERS IS A CRAZY PANTS CUCKOO BIRD,
IT'S ALL WE'VE BECOME SO ACCUSTOMED TO STAGE MANAGED,
FOCUS-DRIVEN CANDIDATES THAT AUTHENTICITY COMES ACROSS AS
LUNACY.
>> HE MAY BE THE MOST UNUSUAL PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE WE'VE
SEEN IN A LONG TIME.
>> Jon: IF BY UNUSUAL YOU MEAN HONESTLY REPRESENTING HIMSELF IN
HIS BELIEFS RATHER THAN PLAYING A CYNICAL POLITICAL GAME, BUT IF
YOU MEAN MOST UNUSUAL CANDIDATE AS IN CRAZY, I CAN REFUTE THAT
ASSERTION IN THREE SIMPLE WORDS --
>> AHHH!
SHUCKY DUCKY!
>> Jon: SHUCKY DUCKY INDEED.