This show has taught me a valuable lesson. The things you expect to suck don't actually
suck sometimes. In fact, sometimes, they're amazing. And Nickelodeon's new Ninja Turtles
series is kind of amazing. Seriously, coming from someone who adores this franchise, you
can tell this show is being done by people who adore this franchise.
It really shows in their work.
Of course, something shows in this work, too. And it teaches us another valuable lesson.
Sometimes, the things you expect to suck...probably will suck.
And licensed video games probably suck.
So Nickelodeon's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is a pretty awesome TV show. Nickelodeon's
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is a pretty lousy video game. It runs lousy, it looks lousy,
it even smells lousy. That's right, Mikey. Smells like Pukedoria. So if you can deal
with the freezing and the glitching...you get lines like that.
Pukedoria.
I'm not sure what sucks the most. The fact that this is a poorly written game based on
an incredibly well-written show...or the fact that I have one attack. For, like, all four
Turtles.
One attack, but lots of lousy dialogue.
And what's with that sound? It's like, Mikey at least sounds good. Raph sounds like his
lines were done over the phone. But then again, at least Mikey and Raph are actually voiced
by the actors from the show. Leonardo is not, because evidently, Jason Biggs is a f*cking
rock star. Those kind of inconsistencies are all over this game...like spikes on the Shredder.
And it rips what enjoyment you might've had to pieces.
So how does it play? Well, this is where it gets interesting. Because...in a sense, this
is structurally the same game as the classic Ninja Turtles games. You mash the one button
to do your one attack, and the Turtles have pretty much the same attributes. And you can
throw the Foot Clan against the screen. I mean, the point is...this is a button-mashy
brawler that's designed for co-op. Same thing applies to Turtles In Time.
So why does this one suck and that one rule?
That's where reviewing games gets tricky. Because there's this intangible quality that...you
sometimes can't really quantify, you know? Sometimes, it's just good or bad. And this
game based on the Turtles is not a good game.
That is a game based on the Turtles.
I think part of it is...everything feels really slow. The combat, the movement...the Turtles
are really fast and nimble. Or at least, they should be. And attacking the enemies doesn't
have the kind of satisfying feel that it should. You string up these combos, but...you can't
even tell, you know? Hitting enemies feels the same as missing enemies. So the repetition
would be fine, provided the gameplay is fast, responsive, satisfying...
This game is none of those things.
It's not broken or anything. It's just...dull. And that breaks my heart.
On the other shell, I guess this is supposed to be a kids game. Whatever. When I was a
kid, we got Turtles in Time. I think today's kids could handle a good Turtles game. And
I'm sorry, but you know, making a good Turtles game would be so easy. It's such a simple
formula. It's just, when your game is rushed and unpolished, even a good formula is going
to suck.
And that's the undoing of this game.
It might've been decent, but...Nickelodeon's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles needed a lot
more time in the ooze.