From the minds behind Snow White And The Huntsman,
and Transformers 2, 3 and 4?
Oh, no.
Comes the glossy Hollywood adaptation of a beloved Japanese anime
that goes about as well as you expect.
_
Hollywood is running out of stuff from the 80s and 90s to remake.
Now they're remaking a film they've already been ripping off for decades.
But with controversial casting...
A dumped on plot...
"Your shell belongs to them, but not your ghost."
Just enough recreated scenes from the anime to put in the trailers.
And a complete lack off understanding about what made the franchise popular to begin with.
Because as Dragonball Evolution taught American film executives.
If at first you don't succeed, blamed the reviews and learned nothing from your mistakes.
You've seen Scarlett Johansson as a special OPs soldier.
An enhanced human.
A stoic outsider.
A sexy robot voice.
"Can you feel me with you right now?"
And a white girl feeling out of place in Asia.
Now she'll combine them all as the Major.
An enhanced special OPs sexy robot voice stoic outsider white girl who feels out of place in AsIa.
"I don't know who to trust anyone."
She's a RoboCop with a weird RoboWalk.
And only one weakness...
Getting snuck up on by dudes with tasers.
"(Major writhing)"
"(Major convulsing)"
"(Major writhing)"
You know, for all the gadgets, maybe invest in a rear camera.
Watch as the studio avoids a whitewashing controversy
by showing off how multicultural their version of Hong Kong is.
And explain that Major's body is just a robot shell for someone else's brain.
"We made you a new body."
"A synthetic shell, but your ghost is still in here."
Which... Alright, I'll bite.
Then cringe in disbelief as the studio manages to ruin their own solution by revealing that...
Yep, she was full blown Japanese all along.
"What's your name?"
"Motoko."
Way to double down gang.
You just try to put out a dumpster fire with much larger easily avoidable dumpster fire.
"(explosion)"
Jack in as the Major teams up with side characters who get two to four lines of dialogue.
Led by Japanese legend, Beat Takeshi.
Who was smarter enough to know this movie wasn't worth speaking English for.
"(Speaking Japanese)"
Together...They'll chase down an evil max headroom hacker.
"(robotic glitch) Lesson... Took... F-f-from my... failure..."
"This is... (robotic glitch) headroom..."
In a cat and mouse game of shifting loyalties that will have you wondering...
Can you see her boobs or not?
I...I can't tell. And I definitely don't care about what else is going on.
This movie is really boring.
So gear up for the latest movie with John Carter syndrome.
Where the source material was so influential that now it feels like it's copying the films that inspired.
And witness the newest lame attempt at a live-action anime film.
Which we should really just leave to the Japanese to this point.
"(screaming in Japanese)"
Or... Not.
_
"Cyber-made liver. Been saving up for a while.
Now it's last call every night."
Uhh... guys. Your friend is an alcoholic.
_