So nice to be here.
You look like a great crowd.
I have been on the road
and in my world
when you're on the road,
you do a lot of driving
and I'm always amazed
by some of the signs
you run into on the highway.
I'm driving along last week,
there was this sign,
"Stay awake."
Thanks for the tip.
(audience laughing)
I was gonna take a little nap,
then I saw that sign.
No sleeping when you're
driving around here.
As opposed to other places
we don't care if you fall asleep
behind the wheel. They thought they needed
a sign to remind you.
Okay, I'm awake.
A little further, this sign.
"Watch out, low flying planes."
(audience laughing)
Now what am I supposed to do
about a low flying plane?
What am I gonna do, duck?
(audience laughing)
I don't think it's gonna help.
Think about it for a second.
A car is not that high off the ground.
If a plane is flying that low,
it's not a low-flying plane,
it's a crashing plane.
(audience laughing)
I'm like, Don't tell me, raise the sign.
(audience laughing)
"You're about to hit a car!
"Pull out!
"Grab the throttle!
"You're on the turnpike!"
I don't think this is on your itinerary.
You know, why don't you check
with the tower or something?
I can't do nothing about this.
What am I supposed to do?
Stick my head out the window?
"Put the wheels up,
"you're gonna hit me!
(audience laughing)
"Aim for the cornfield,
"I don't wanna die!
"I knew you were coming,
"I saw the siiiign!"
(audience laughing)
I saw a fun sign coming in here,
"Adopt a highway."
I got three kids,
I don't need a highway.
(audience laughing)
Put it in a highway orphanage,
maybe a highway foster home.
(audience laughing)
I don't wanna find out what
a teenage highway's like.
Highway to Hell
is what I'm thinking,
you know what I mean?
(audience laughing)
But you're a nice crowd,
we got some good laughers
right up front,
you know?
(audience laughing)
See, comedians,
we like the laughers, you know.
They laugh out loud,
their whole body shakes.
Everybody stops laughing,
they're still laughing,
you know?
We love those people.
You know, laughter is contagious.
Not everybody's like that.
Some people even enjoy the show.
They're just not laughers.
I mean, they'll look at you
the whole show going
(audience laughing)
"Very funny.
(audience laughing)
"I really enjoyed myself."
Then laugh!
The worst that come into
comedy shows,
they laugh like this.
(audience laughing)
I'd be so embarrassed to laugh.
I think I'll hold it in.
Well, thanks a lot.
Makes my job real easy.
If the whole crowd did that,
everybody'd have gas
about halfway through the show.
"Oh my god,
"it came out the wrong end,
"I'm so embarrassed."
(audience laughing)
So laugh, it's a great release.
I'm so glad you came out tonight.
Hope you have a good time.
Crying's a good release too, isn't it?
Laughing and crying's
very similar in many ways.
Nowadays, men cry,
I have nothing against that.
Let's face it, men don't know
how to handle crying like women.
My wife says things to me like,
"You know, Bill,
"I think I feel the need to cry."
You never hear a guy go,
"You know Steve,
"I kinda feel the need to cry."
And when women cry,
they support each other.
"Oh Mary, what's the matter?"
They hug each other.
A guy cries, we just freak out.
"Oh no, Joe's crying."
(audience laughing)
"It's not my fault,
"he just started crying!"
(audience laughing)
"I don't know what the hell to do.
"I'm not hugging the son of a gun,
"I'll tell you that right now.
"No way am I touching him
"while he's crying."
(audience laughing)
We don't handle it so good.
But I'm a happy married guy.
Three grown children,
love my wife dearly.
Anybody in love here tonight?
(audience cheering)
Good reaction, right up front too.
I like that reaction.
Sometimes that's a very
embarrassing question, you know?
Sometimes, it's a nice crowd like you,
nice couple right up front.
Only one person out of the couple
raise their hand.
(audience laughing)
"Put your hand up, pal.
"We are in love.
(audience laughing)
"And we were having a good time,
"move your hand."
Sometimes they get in an argument.
I kinda liked to watch this, you know?
I hate these perfect couples, you know?
"Oh, we never fight."
How long have you
known each other?
"Oh, about six months."
You got a beauty coming up, pal.
(audience laughing)
You don't mind if I watch
for a few days?
Fights are hard.
One thing my wife does I don't like,
I get all dressed,
she looks at me and goes,
"You're not wearing that!"
Oh no, I just put on
the ugliest stuff I could find.
I'm not gonna wear this
out in public or nothing,
just tried to mess myself up real good.
Did a heck of a job, didn't I?
Nothing matches, just as I planned.
I'll go change now.
(audience laughing)
Thanks for the support, appreciate it.
I like feeling like a three-year-old old
who can't dress himself.
Thank you very much.
The funny thing is
I never argue with her.
I never go,
"I like this, I'm gonna wear it."
It's always like,
I look like a pinhead, okay,
I'll go change.
I'm only 60 years old,
couldn't possibly dress myself,
you know, it's so difficult.
Good thing I married you,
I'd be going around naked
for the last thirty years,
but luckily I married you,
you can help me.
No, my wife's not the only one.
People say funny things.
I saw this guy, could you hurry up?
The guy goes, "Keep your pants on."
I said, you're safe.
(audience laughing)
I've never been in a store.
I want a service so bad,
took off my clothes.
Hey, look it, pal,
you're gonna look at me
buck naked until I get that candy bar.
(audience laughing)
Take a close look at my naked body.
'Cause I want some service
and I want it now.
(audience laughing)
People took off their clothes
to get service,
Walmart would have a lot of
naked people roaming around
you know what I'm talking about?
(audience laughing)
People say funny things.
I was having a nice conversation
with a friend of mine.
He goes to me, ''Look it, Bill,
"could I be honest with you?"
Oh no, just keep lying
like you've been doing.
I thought there was all truth
until that.
I don't know.
Some things are hard to figure out.
You ever wonder why
we eat certain animals
and not other animals?
I think it has to do with
which ones are easiest to catch,
like, a cow.
Tip him over, he's yours.
A turkey. There's a challenge.
The birds that can barely fly.
You don't see too much cheetah
or lion meat in the supermarket.
Too fast, too dangerous.
We like docile animals
that can't fight back.
Something like boneless chicken,
(audience laughing)
pigs in a blanket.
We'll take three
they're all wrapped up.
They're safe, okay.
(audience laughing)
I don't know.
My life is different now.
The kids are grown
and out of the house.
They're doing fine.
But for some reason,
new rules have emerged
in my house
they're kinda throwing me off.
For instance my house.
Now, if you have your shoes on,
you have to do everything.
"Look at Bill.
"You already have your shoes on.
"You take out the trash, do the laundry.
"You go to food shopping,
"pick up the, I would do it myself
"but you already have your shoes on.
(audience laughing)
"So I get to sit here and
"watch you do everything."
The second rule is
if you happen to be up.
"Bill, you already up.
"Could you get me coffee?
"Make breakfast, caulk the bathroom.
"I would do it myself but
"you're already up.
"So I get to sit here and
"watch you do everything."
So now when you come to my house,
I'm sitting down
with my shoes off,
hoping no new rules
are about to emerge
that I don't know about.
For instance, in my house
also there's a person
named somebody that's always
in trouble.
"Somebody has got to do something
"about this trash over here.
"Somebody has got to do something
"about this bathroom, you know?"
Okay. I'll keep looking for that guy.
(audience laughing)
There's only two of us here
but he's gotta be around somewhere.
(audience laughing)
Well, I don't know.
I love my wife dearly,
but we have our differences.
My wife hates throwing stuff out.
So her solution is every summer,
''Bill, let's have a yard sale.''
Oh, here's my definition of a yard sale.
Take all the stuff I wish
we could throw away.
Put it on the front lawn,
sit with it all day.
Put it back in the house.
(audience laughing)
And what a wonderful day it is.
But it's worth it because
we made that extra $30.
(audience laughing)
I hate these things.
If that's not bad, it's what I
like to do with the neighbors.
Let's have a multifamily yard sale.
So all the neighbors bring their trash
in my front lawn.
(audience laughing)
We sit with the junk all day long.
Then my wife buys stuff from them.
We put more back in the house.
(audience laughing)
I lose money and
for more stuff every year
but that's not the worst part.
The worst part is some
of the people that come
to the yard sales.
These are the cheapest people
on the planet.
First of all, they show up
at like 5:30 in the morning,
''Am I my early?''
Yeah it's 5:30.
"I want to get early, you know.
"How much is that?"
It's a dollar.
"I'll give you 50 cents."
Just take it.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, you cheap son of a gun.
You can have it.
You see that woman over there,
when she turns her back.
Take the whole kitten caboodle.
(audience laughing)
You're the lucky winner.
You know what's weird? If it's free,
they don't want it.
Oh, it's free,
it must not be worth nothing.
But that dollar iron for 50 cents
that's a hell of a deal.
You don't wanna miss it.
(audience laughing)
I don't know.
You ever get this present.
My relatives love this present.
These boxes of assorted chocolates
kind of like Russian roulette candy.
And you open up and you go,
some of this stuff's
gonna taste real nasty.
(audience laughing)
Start to sweat
'cause you don't know which piece it is.
Let me try this one over here.
Orange coconut.
Who likes those ones?
You know,
let me try another one now.
Mmh. Go ahead.
That was delicious.
And then you go,
what did that look like?
(audience laughing)
Wasn't that a dark brown one?
I think it had some ridges
or something. This looke like it.
That's the orange stuffing.
Some people think they
have a foolproof method
when no one's looking,
they use their fingernail
to check it out.
(audience laughing)
There's the orange stuff.
I know it now.
The real sneaky peel.
Pick it up, put their finger nail
in the bottom.
Pretty sly.
No one will know
how gross you really are.
(audience laughing)
of course, my kids.
They don't bother with that.
They take a bite. They don't like it.
Put it back.
(audience laughing)
"There you go, dad.
"You can have that one."
Orange coconut with slobber.
My favorite.
(audience laughing)
Thanks for the thoughtfulness.
I'm a family guy.
I have two girls and a boy
they're all grown.
They're all doing fine.
Any parents in this crowd tonight?
(audience cheering)
All the parents.
Anybody got little kids,
kids under five?
(audience cheering)
Right here. Yeah.
See, I love the people with little kids.
They're always good
audience members.
'Cause they're just happy to be out.
(audience laughing)
Where'd he go? I don't know.
But I am out.
Aren't you going to do anything?
I haven't even thought of it.
Just so really glad to be out.
I know that feeling.
When my kids were little,
sometimes my wife and I,
we'd just sit in the car for a while.
Ooh, we're out.
Let the feeling wave over you.
But over the years
of raising my children
the teenage years
were the toughest,
especially with my daughters.
I mean I couldn't do anything right.
Everything I did embarrassed them.
Hi how are you?
"I'm so embarrassed.
"So embarrassed."
I just said hello.
"I know Dad, my friends are here.
(audience laughing)
"Come on.
"Do you have to talk to me?
"My father is talking to me.
"My friends are here.
"I'm going to die.
"My life's over.
"Bury me right here.
"He's such a jerk.
"I hate him."
Okay. Let me know when
I can talk to you again.
I mean they got so self-absorbed.
I used to feel like
I could be laying there dying
and they look at me and go,
"Does this mean I don't
"get a ride to the mall?"
(audience laughing)
Well, when I'm dead,
you can have the car.
"Well, how long's it gonna take?
"I told Debbie I'd be there
"in 10 minutes.
"Don't you ever think of
"anybody but yourself?"
I'll die faster.
Oh, all the stages.
My daughter, my oldest was
like sixth or seventh grade.
She comes home and says,
"Dad, I want to get contact lenses."
She doesn't wear glasses.
(audience laughing)
I'm not gonna buy you contact lenses.
You don't wear glasses.
"But dad, they got this new type.
"They can make your eyes green."
Well, get a magic marker.
(audience laughing)
I'm not paying no 300 bucks
for you to color your eyes.
"You're not sensitive to my needs, Dad.
"My life's over.
"If they were green,
"I'd be all set, you know?"
Pretty mean. I know.
I always thought one of the
hardest parts
of being a parent
is the sibling rivalry.
They get in these fights over things.
You don't know what to do.
I mean, my girls, couple of years apart,
they used to fight over this one chair.
It'd be like, "Dad, she's got the chair.
"She always gets the chair.
"I never get the chair.
"It's my turn.
"She had the chair last week."
Okay. Go downstairs.
Tell your sister.
She can have the chair for five minutes
and then you can have the chair
for five minutes.
So I say a great solution.
I pat myself on the back.
What a great parent I am.
Then you hear the
child's version of what you said
on the way down the stairs.
"Dad said you're fat and ugly.
"Gotta get out of the chair,
(audience laughing)
"said your hair smell like
"moles, you little loser."
A little lost in translation.
So then the other one
is up there crying.
"Did you say I was fat and ugly?
"She's got the chair Dad,
"she always gets the chair.
"I never get the chair.
"I sat there last week for
"the first time in six months
"you're always on her side."
Okay. Let's get the chair here.
Let's flip a coin
to see who gets the chair.
"I want heads."
"I want heads,"
"My turn for it."
They're fighting over who is
gonna get the head. "Look,
"I'm gonna spank your both."
"Spank me first."
Doesn't matter what you do.
They're going to fight.
Finally. I realized I haven't sat
in this chair in three years.
I'm sitting in the chair.
What do you think of that?
(audience laughing)
"Dad always sits in the chair.
"Don't you hate him.
"I hate him too.
"Let's go talk about it."
At least they were united.
I took it.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, my son's even grown now.
Anybody have a baby
at home in this crowd?
(audience cheering)
Oh, right here. Congratulations.
See, my son was a baby.
He could do a lot of things
adults couldn't do.
I mean he would throw up,
never bothered him at all.
(vomit)
Hi Dad, how you doing?
(audience laughing)
"Just threw up on you.
"I'm feeling great.
"Got some poop in my pants too.
"Top of the morning to you.
"Let's play."
What was the last time
you saw an adult
do those two things and then smile.
One of those, throws us for a loop.
I pooped my pants. I'm going home.
(audience laughing)
I'll stage it.
My son as a toddler was hard too
because my son got into everything.
What's this dad, a statue? (crash)
Broke it.
Sorry. There's some crayons.
I think I'll write on the wall.
Oh, you can't do that.
Sorry. You can't get mad at me
'cause I'm too little. You can't.
All you do is chase him
around the house.
No, don't go over there.
Not the stairs.
The stove! Don't touch
the stove! All day long.
And somebody walks in
your house and they go,
"You know what you're gonna do?
"Childproof your house.
"Put the kid outside.
(audience laughing)
"That is your only shot at it."
Then they start talking.
It's always exciting when
they first start to talk.
But from then on they want you
to buy them everything.
"Dad, let's go to the store
"and buy something."
I don't have any money.
"No money, go to the bank."
Oh, why didn't I think of that?
We'll go to the bank.
We'll get somebody else's money.
Then we could go to the jail.
Won't that be a fun field trip
for the family?
No, kids today think all you have to do
is get it from the machine.
"Get it from the machine dad."
It doesn't work that way.
I got to put money in
before you take it out.
That's called a deposit.
And they look at you like,
"Get it from the machine, Dad.
"Don't you know
"they got these machines
"just spitting this stuff out?
"Give me the card.
"I'll show you how it works.
"That's what mom does.
(audience laughing)
"Oh, mom knows all the tricks."
But they're all grown now.
Now I'm getting older.
I got a few brothers in this crowd.
I like to see that.
This getting older stuff is hard.
Your body starts doing stuff.
You're not ready for, I'll tell you.
For some reason,
I sweat more around my stomach
than on my arms.
I get these big sweat stains right here.
It's disgusting.
Put deodorant on your belly button.
It's just weird.
(audience laughing)
And then, though, as you get older,
you go to the bathroom more often.
I'm getting used to this,
but now every time we're out
my wife treats me like a two year old.
"Bill do you have to use the restroom?"
No, I think I'm okay.
"Are you sure?
(audience laughing)
"Don't you think you should try?"
Yeah, I better try. I'm old.
(audience laughing)
And people talk to you different.
I mean, they say things like, you know
you're not as young as you used to be.
Neither are you. Nobody is.
Why do I have to listen
to this all of a sudden?
(audience laughing)
He's now like, you're getting up there.
You're getting up there.
I'm getting up where?
Where am I getting?
Closer to death?
Great. Thanks for bringing that up.
Made my day.
(audience laughing)
My wife uses the age thing now.
Whenever we go buy a big item
like a couch or a bedroom set
"Bill, we have to get a good one.
"It's probably the last one
"we're ever gonna buy."
Great. That makes me wanna go.
The whole time I'm out,
I feel like dead man shopping.
Why don't we get a real cheap one
so I can live longer?
How's that?
(audience laughing)
I don't know. I have a different life now.
When I'm home,
the kids are out of the house.
I try to do household tasks.
I'm not good at it.
I mean my attitude now,
if something breaks,
we live with it that way.
It's broke, honey.
We don't have that anymore.
(audience laughing)
Unless you can fix it.
Just forget about it.
'Cause I haven't got a clue.
I mean the worst is the winter.
Someone always comes over
to my house with these tips
the things I'm supposed to do
to conserve on energy.
"Hey Bill, why don't you
"caulk around here?
"Why don't you caulk this?"
Why don't you caulk your mouth?
(audience laughing)
I hate caulking anything.
I hate the word caulking.
You ever tried to use
one of those caulking guns?
You better be ready
to caulk the neighborhood
'cause they do not turn off.
(audience laughing)
I'll see you in a few days, honey.
I'm going caulking.
It's four in the morning.
My name's Bill.
Mind if I caulk your windows?
(audience laughing)
I've been caulking for three days.
I can't get this sucker off.
(audience laughing)
You got a bathtub?
Maybe it could help me there,
it's coming pretty fast.
(audience laughing)
Release handle and flow will cease.
Release handle.
Watch this stuff, get all over your rug.
Fine print.
Laundry. I do the laundry.
It doesn't—what the heck I do,
I'm always missing socks.
I'm telling you, socks is
a special type of clothing.
The minute you turn your back,
they hop out of washing machine.
Bill's gone.
I'm going over to Joe's house.
I know that's true.
Not only am I missing socks
I open in my drawer.
I got socks there
I never saw before.
Where the heck did this
12 foot long silk sock come from?
(audience laughing)
I never bought a silk sock in my life
but you never throw it away. Do you?
Stick it back in the drawer,
'cause you never know when
another 12 foot long silk sock
walk right over.
Hop in a drawer.
You've got a match.
(audience laughing)
Another household task I hate to do,
fill ice cube trays.
It's aggravating, you got to get a drink
or a Coke. You take it out,
One ice cube. Oh no.
You don't want to slide it back in
with no ice cubes, you feel too guilty.
So you go over to the sink,
you put some water in,
and then from your sink
into refrigerator,
I contract a muscle disease.
Oh my God.
(audience laughing)
When did the Parkinson's kick in?
(audience laughing)
Ice cube's about a millimeter thin,
someone's gotta defrost
the freezer, honey.
It's all wet.
I don't know how it happened.
Hey Provo, you have been
a wonderful crowd to work for.
Thank you so much.