All right....
This video is all about how to deal with lying,
Because if you have a loved one that has an addiction problem,
you're going to be dealing with some lying!
Trust me.
Even the people (that I see) who
have so much integrity, (way more than me.
They're super good people, but they're alcoholic.
Tjey might not lie about anything else,
but they lie about their drinking.
So go ahead and expect that you're going
to be dealing with some lying.
I have some rules of thumb for that.
I'm going to explain to you how I deal with it,
and how you should deal with it.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
OK.
Number one, don't put yourself in a position to get lied to.
And that's pretty easy.
Try not to ask a question that's going to force someone
to have to lie to you.
So if you know someone's been drinking,
(and they walk through the door) , don't say,
Have you been drinking?
Guess what?...
They're going to say no.
It's like an instinctive defense mechanism. Survival thing.
They're going to say no.
OK?
And then you're going to get so mad. You'll be like, do
you think I'm dumb?
Like, I can smell it on you.
Of course you've been drinking.
But of course, they're going to lie to you.
So instead of saying, "have you been drinking," say,
"I can tell you've been drinking."
Guess what?
It's not a question.
Plus, there's nothing that they're
going to say that's going to convince you otherwise.
You're asking a question you know the answer to.
And they can say "no" all day long,
but you're like, "whatever".
I know you have been.
So just say it.
"I know you've been drinking," or, "I
feel like you've been drinking," or, "I
can smell it all over you."
Don't ask a question.
Don't set yourself up to get lied to.
In counseling, a lot of times, I don't put people in a position
to have to lie to me.
I listen a lot for what they're not telling me.
So for example, if I've got a client coming in,
I can say like, have you been sober since I saw you last?
And to be honest, most of my clients,
I have a good enough relationship,
they'd probably just tell me.
But it really puts them in an awkward, uncomfortable
situation.
So I just listen for if they tell me.
Guess what?
If my clients have been sober since they saw me last,
they want to tell me.
They're all excited.
They'll be like, I got three weeks, four days,
and 58 minutes sober right now.
Woo hoo.
Like, they're excited.
They want to tell you, because I'm their addiction counselor,
so they're super proud.
So if they're not telling me that they've been sober,
guess what that means?
They haven't been sober.
Because usually, if they've been sober,
they want to tell me about it.
They want to bring up the topic.
They want to talk about meetings they went to,
the thing that happened, and what their sponsor said.
If they haven't been, and they're
feeling guilty about it, they're just
going to shy away from those subjects.
So I listen super closely to what people are not telling me.
I try hard not to put people in a bad position.
Sometimes I've got to call it out.
But instead of just asking them, I
might just say, hmm, I feel like there's more to that story.
A lot of times I use humor to help people
talk about a difficult situation.
If they need to tell me something,
I'll lighten it so we can talk about it, and they can tell me.
But it doesn't have to feel super intense.
It's a way that I get a lot more honesty out of my clients.
So how you handle the information
that they give to you, if they're
going to be able to tell you the truth or not.
So if you're a family member, one
of the things you want to do is ...you want to avoid--
(Amber thinking out loud...What are these things called?
They're called no-something rules.
There's a word for them, but they're
like no wiggle-room rules.
What is that?
What is the word for that?)
absically, it's like if this, then
that, there's no wiggle room, absolutely.
So a lot of families say things like, if I found out
you use one more time, I'm kicking you out of this house.
Or if I found out I drink one more time,
I'm taking you to court for supervised custody.
Or if I find drugs in this house I'm going to call the cops.
You really need to avoid those big line-in-the-sand,
black and white statements.
Not because I'm telling you you can't
do those things, or that that's not exactly what you should do.
I'm recommending you not say it beforehand, because you really disempower
yourself and you promote lying.
So if hearing the truth is important to you,
you need to set the situation up in a way
that the truth can be talked about.
Because if your husband drank, or your kid
drank , and you want them to be able to tell you,
and you got a rule like that in place. The persons going to be in survival mode. .
They're not going to be able to tell you that.
So instead of saying those big black and white, hard core kind
of rules, I suggest that families
say things like, listen, I'm just going to tell you,
I'm not going to put up with this.
You've got to get your act together,
because we're not going to live in this craziness,
or something like that.
That leaves you the room, if you want to kick them out,
Then kick them out.
If you want to call the police, call the police.
It's not saying that you won't.
If you want to take them to court for custody, do it.
It's not saying that you won't do it.
It's leaving you the wiggle room to make,
what I call the game-time decision,
because you don't know what situation
that's going to get thrown at you.
And all you're going to do is back yourself into a corner.
Because let's say, your loved one's
been doing really, really good, and they've
been going to meetings, and they work with a sponsor,
and they're doing awesome, but they have a mess up,
and they just find themselves in a bad situation.
And, they come home and they say, oh my gosh,
I totally used last night.
I feel so bad about it.
Like, this happened.
Or it just comes out, or whatever.
You find out they've used the one time.
But they seem like they totally get it.
Like, they called their sponsor.
They got a white chip.
They're pulling it back together.
But you've told them you're going to kick them out.
Now, you're in a position that you
have to back up what you said, at least you feel like you do,
or you have to let it go and feel like you lied.
So now you're in a bad situation,
and you don't have the flexibility
to make the game-time decision.
That's what I mean.
When you set these really hard lines in the sand like that,
you disempower yourself and you promote lying.
Because you're putting them in a position of pretty much having
hardly any choice but to lie to you.
I know that they have a choice or whatever, but come on,
be real.
They're going to lie to you.
So don't do that.
I also don't need to know every single detail.
This is not about my ego.
And I realize that I'm their counselor
and you're their parent, or their spouse, or someone very
important, and it's a little different.
I get that.
But does it really matter if they drank four
or they drank five?
It doesn't.
You're just getting in a giant power struggle.
Do you know that they drink?
Yeah.
Knowing every single detail about something,
it's not all that important.
So I really don't even focus on asking
a lot of questions about that, because it's just going
to engage in a power struggle.
You're probably going to get lied to.
Heck, they might not even remember how much they drank.
It's not that important, so don't focus on that.
Additionally, that will be another thing
that will help you not get yourself lied to.
And the other thing about me, (you can do this or not do this),
but I'm kind of sneaky as a counselor,
but I will let a person come in here and lie to me.
I don't care, because my ego doesn't even
need to hear you say it, because you
think you're manipulating me.
But guess what?
I'm so got you.
Like, I'm going to be like--
I'm going to let you tell me whatever.
I'm just going to be like, OK, blah, blah, blah.
And then I'm going to wait for it, wait for it, wait for it.
I'm going to build a good rapport.
We're going to have great relationship.
And then they're going to get big, giant trouble.
And then when that moment comes, I'm going to say, oh my gosh.
We got to get you out of this trouble.
You can't go to jail for this.
I'm going to call this treatment center.
Their going to get you in there, and we're
going to write you a letter and get you out of this.
And the next thing you know, I've put them in treatment
and they think I did them a giant favor.
So sometimes I'll let something go on purpose.
I will let someone think they're getting something over on me,
because I got a master plan.
And they may think they're manipulating me, but I got you.
So you need to decide what's your goal?
What do you need to happen?
Is this about your ego?
Do you need to argue about every little bity thing?
Or do you got a master plan? and , you're working your plan?
So decide what's most important--
every single detail, putting a person in position
to lie to you, or can you handle having
the big picture in your head, knowing what you're doing,
and steering this boat?
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