♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN!
♪ ♪ ♪
JON, JON...
( APPLAUSE )
YOU GUYS ARE PLAYING SO HOT TONIGHT, BECAUSE IT IS COLD IN
THIS ROOM.
CAN YOU FEEL YOUR FINGERS OVER THERE?
BECAUSE I CAN'T FEEL MY TOE OVERS HERE.
>> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS, I GOT MY SPACE HEATER, AND IT'S ON
HIGH.
>> Stephen: WAIT A SECOND.
I DON'T HAVE A SPACE HEATER.
WHY DOES JON HAVE A SPACE HEATER AND I DON'T?
HE IS A BIG DEAL, THAT'S RIGHT.
JON IS A BIG DEAL.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TRUE.
WASN'T THINKING.
JON, I GOTTA ASK YOU, DID YOU HAVE YOUR EYES DILATED THIS
AFTERNOON?
I'M CURIOUS WHY YOU GOT THE SHADES ON.
IT'S INDOORS.
>> Jon: THIS IS MORE FASHION OVER FUNCTION.
IT'S MOOD-ENHANCING SUNGLASSES.
>> Stephen: DID YOU PICK THOSE UP IN PARIS BECAUSE I KNOW YOU
WERE IN PARIS LAST WEEK.
>> Jon: YES, I WAS.
>> Stephen: YOU WERE IN PARIS.
IS THIS A LOOK YOU PICKED UP OVER THERE OR IS THIS A NEW
THING?
>> Jon: I'M TRYING SOMETHING TODAY.
I FELT THE VIBE OF BLUE, AND I FELT SO BLESSED WHEN I WOKE UP,
AND I WANTED TO PUT THIS ON AND TRY IT OUT.
>> Stephen: BLUE IS BLESSED AT THE SAME TIME.
>> Jon: THAT'S HOW I FELT TODAY, NOT EVERY DAY.
( APPLAUSE )
HAVE ISSA RAE ON TONIGHT FROM HBOO'S "INSECURE."
FRIEND OF THE SHOW, BRILTD ACTRESS, SO FUNNY.
>> Jon: COULD RAY IS INCREDIBLE.
>> Stephen: CAN'T WAIT FOR HER TO GET OUT OF HERE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS ISN'T A SECRET.
ANYONE WHO KNOWS ME KNOWS I KNOW HOW TO READ.
I'M ALWAYS READING WHENEVER MY CABLE IS OUT AND MY PHONE IS
DEAD AND I CAN'T FIND MY iPAD.
AND I'M IN THE BATHROOM.
DID YOU KNOW THAT HAND SOAP IS LIKE 38% GLYCERIN?
I READ THAT TODAY.
( LAUGHTER )
JON.
YOU'RE IN THERE, YOU FORGOT YOUR PHONE.
YOU'RE LIKE I'LL READ ANYTHING.
>> Jon: THAT'S FOR SURE.
>> Stephen: SURE.
WOW, CHARMIN IS MADE IN MINNESOTA.
WELL, FOLKS, FALL IS HERE, AND WITH SO MANY PEOPLE GETTING
VACCINATED, BOOK CLUBS HAVE COME BACK TOGETHER, AND NOW THEY'RE
READY TO GET BACK TOGETHER IN PERSON.
THAT'S RIGHT: AMERICANS CANNOT WAIT TO GET BACK FACE-TO-FACE
PRETENDING TO HAVE READ "THE UNDERGROUND RAILROAD."
I READ IT UPON I LOVED IT.
WHEN THE RAILROAD... AT THE END... GOES UNDERGROUND.
WOW, WHAT A PAYOFF.
UNFORTUNATELY, THIS MEANS THAT YOUR BOOK CLUB IS ABOUT TO MEET
TO DISCUSS THE BOOK YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE READ OVER
THE SUMMER BUT DIDN'T BECAUSE YOU SPENT AUGUST PASSED OUT IN A
KIDDIE POOL FILLED WITH WHITE CLAW.
AND IT SAYS UP HERE THAT I WANT TO HELP.
THAT'S WHY TONIGHT, I'M PROUD TO INTRODUCE MY NEW BOOK CLUB:
STEPHEN COLBERT'S BOOK CLUB FOR PEOPLE WHO WANT TO SOUND LIKE
THEY READ THE BOOK AT THEIR BOOK CLUB.
>> THAT'S TODAY?!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
COLBERT'S BOOK CLUB FOR PEOPLE WHO WANT TO SOUND LIKE THEY READ
THE BOOK AT THEIR BOOK CLUB," WHERE WE HELP YOU TALK ABOUT THE
BOOKS YOU DIDN'T READ SO YOU CAN FOCUS ON WHAT REALLY MATTERS AT
BOOK CLUB: BOX WINE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MMM.
DADDY WANTS SOME CULTURE JUICE.
THERE YOU GO.
MMM.
THAT IS NOT A PROP.
OKAY!
MMM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
MMM.
I'M GETTING-- I'M GETTING NOTES OF BOX.
( LAUGHTER )
FAILED TO READ ONE OF THE HOTTEST BOOK CLUB BOOKS OF THE
SEASON: "AT NIGHT ALL BLOOD IS BLACK," BY DAVID DJIOP.
RIGHT OFF THE START, BRING UP THE BOOK THAT WON THE 2021
INTERNATIONAL BOOKER PRIZE,O WHICH IS JUST LIKE THE AMERICAN
BOOKER PRIZE, BUT THEY CALL IT FOOTBALL.
OKAY, ON THE PLOT TO THE BOOK, I GOT YOUR BACK HERE.
THIS NOVEL TELLS THE STORY OF A SENEGALESE SOLDIER FIGHTIN
I NAMED ALFA NDIAYE.
THAT'S ENOUGH INFORMATION FOR YOU TO MENTION HOW YOU'RE NOT
SURE HOW TO PRONOUNCE THAT NAME, AND LET THE GROUP DEBATE THE
CORRECT PRONUNCIATION OF A SENEGALESE SURNAME.
THEN SIT BACK AND ENJOY YOUR WINE AND THEIR SUBURBAN
DISCOMFORT.
MMM.
PROBLEMATIC.
( LAUGHTER )
BRING UP HOW LITTLE YOU KNOW ABOUT FRANCE'S COLONIAL PAST IN
AFRICA, AND LET YOUR NEIGHBOR MARK TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT,
BECAUSE HE WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT HIS TRIP TO MOROCCO TWO YEARS
AGO.
NO ONE CARES, MARK!
NOW, MAYBE YOUR BOOK CLUB EXPECTED YOU TO READ "A SPECIAL
PLACE FOR WOMEN" BY LAURA HANKIN.
IF YOU BLEW OFF READING IT, HERE'S THE SCOOP-ITY-DOO: THIS
BOOK TELLS THE STORY OF A DARING YOUNG REPORTER WHO INFILTRATES A
FEMALE-RUN SECRET SOCIETY, WHOSE BEWITCHING MEMBERS ARE CAUGHT UP
IN A DARK AND TREACHEROUS BUSINESS.
IF YOU HAVE NOTHING TO SAY, YOU CAN POINT OUT THAT THIS BOOK IS
SET TO BE DEVELOPED AS A SERIES BY PARAMOUNT TELEVISION STUDIOS.
THEN CHANGE THE TOPIC TO THE AMAZING CONTENT AVAILABLE ON
PARAMOUNT+ PARAMOUNT+ -- a MOUNTAIN OF
REASONS YOU NO LONGER READ.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BE READING "ONE LAST STOP" BY CASEY McQUISTON.
IF YOU HAVE ONE HOUR 'TIL BOOK CLUB STARTS, YOU HAVEN'T READ
IT, AND YOU STILL HAVE TO RUN TO WHOLE FOODS BECAUSE YOU
FORGOT THAT SANDRA IS GLUTEN FREE.
THIS BOOK'S COVER HAS EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW:
LOVERS CAUGHT IN A PERFECT MOMENT, A CATCHY TAGLINE THAT
SAYS, "SOMETIMES LOVE STOPS YOU IN YOUR TRACKS," PLUS AN
ADORABLE ILLUSTRATION OF THE NEW YORK CITY SUBWAY.
IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THIS ONE, IT'S NO PROBLEM!
JUST TALK ABOUT HOW CRAZY THE SUBWAY WAS TODAY.
THE NEXT 20 MINUTES EVERYONE WILL BE CHIMING IN WITH THEIR
OWN PUBLIC MASTURBATOR STORY.
WELL, THAT'S IT FOR "STEPHEN COLBERT'S BOOK CLUB FOR PEOPLE
WHO WANT TO SOUND LIKE THEY READ THE BOOK AT THEIR BOOK CLUB."
AS THEY SAY IN BOOKS: THE END.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE STAR OF
HBO'S "INSECURE," ISSA RAE.
♪ ♪ ♪