are you close to your dad you guys close
yeah i mean
look i feel like you can love a parent
and not always see eye to eye you know
he and i don't necessarily agree on
women's autonomy for example so
i like to donate to planned parenthood
in his name oh
yeah i performed uh
i performed for them a couple times as
well isn't it weird for some reason
comics always get booked to perform at
charity events
yeah i've done it i have to say
i've done uh charity events before
and it's almost as if the people booking
it don't understand what comedy is
because i always want to say to them
afterwards
comedy needs some kind of context you
know
you need the room has to be prepared for
comedy
and sometimes if it's a really dark
charity
they don't prepare the room in any way
have you had that happen
oh my gosh yeah one year planned
parenthood asked me to come perform
at their fundraiser called the birds and
bees bash it's like it was in santa
barbara california
it was a bunch of rich old people
gathered together to
throw money at the cause beautiful thing
so it's like this swanky event
and i've slept on a skirt which is
obviously a big deal for me
and so it's in this beautiful banquet
hall and they sent me down in the back
next to joanna kearns you know who that
is right
uh she's a sitcom actress was she uh
what was she on
she was mrs stever from growing things
oh okay miss uh yeah growing growing
pains i'm a little old for growing pains
uh but okay i uh i do kind of remember
that show i know who she is yes
yeah i was so excited and i sat down and
she explained that she's going to give
the keynote speech
and then she'll bring me up to do 15
minutes of stand up so joanna's up there
talking about planned parenthood
what it means to her and her family and
a woman
in the back of the banquet hole next to
me at our table
starts to have a heart attack oh
yeah so joanna is just she just keeps
talking because she doesn't know what's
going on in the back of the room
just like i can't always know what's
going on in the back of every room i'm
performing in
people could be in the kitchen right now
making sweet sweet love and i would have
no clue
especially if it was like super slow
like i like wouldn't be able to hear him
so joanna is up here talking this
woman's having a heart attack
i'm watching her have a heart attack but
i'm also thinking like
what jokes am i going to tell right
right
and then an ambulance comes very quickly
almost as if they knew there was like a
gathering of olds and they just like
parked on the corner
so they rush in whenever it's an
ambulance that drives around it if it
sees like eight or more
old people gather in one spot it waits
there for 10 minutes
cause they know they know something's
gonna go down
bad or a garage sale uh-oh how did that
just happen did you hear that
no oh someone just tried to call and it
went to my computer
anyway so the ambulance comes
very quickly they rush in they put this
woman on a stretcher because it was a
heart attack
but it was like a low-key heart attack
she fell out of her chair and her
husband was worried
but as they're wheeling her out um past
our table towards the door she looks at
us and she says
i'm so sorry i'm fine i'm so
sorry which like might be the epitome of
being
a woman she's like i'm sorry i
interrupted with a heart attack i'm
happy to die if that helps i really will
i'll go die
so this is when they have her outside
the door
and just then joanna kearns leans into
the microphone and she says
who's ready for some stand-up comedy and
i'm in the back of the room like
so i get up i'm weaving my way through
the tables and my dumb skirt
the woman who's planned the event
intercepts me
she puts her hand on my shoulder she's
panicked and she's like i don't know
maybe you should do less time like five
minutes or something i was like
lady i'm doing 15. you know so i get up
there
in front of everyone felt like i really
needed to address the situation
yes someone just had a heart attack you
got it right
right right so i get up in front of
everybody and i just say
wow i've done a lot of things to get out
of donating money
but never that not everybody laughed
you know it took it was it was a while
it was potentially too soon my dad
however very proud
i bombed a planned parenthood and if he
had been there
would have been so happy you know i uh
i think i i don't know if i can top that
but i have something that was equally
rough where i did a benefit
and uh it was um you know for
people in the military and so the whole
audience was packed with
you know people who had served in the
military
very recently and and come back from
afghanistan
or iraq and it was it was intense they
showed this really intense film
and then an honor guard came out and
they said
now we remember our fallen brothers and
they played taps
on a bugle and then right after they
finish playing taps
of a voice on the uh on the microphone
said
ladies and gentlemen conan o'brien
i just i walked out there
people are crying their heads are bowed
oh
no we need time between that
yes and mr goofy you need something
something a little light something a
little someone comes out with a
harmonica
and plays out monica i'm going to pitch
jock jams
you know just infuse the room with
some high energy jock jams you really
think that's a problem
up the jam pump it up yeah just blow out
the room with some hot tunes no you
can't follow taps with
jock jams