Church: What the fuck, guys!? I came up here for some peace and quiet!
Dylan: What on Earth is happening?
Jax: Loco's machine opened a portal to the past! Jeez, Dylan, try to keep up.
Tucker: Oh-no-freakin'-way!
Loco: Hurry! Hurry, Caboose
You don't, have long...herk...ble-ag...
Tucker: Caboose! Pull him through!
Caboose: No, Tucker,
I... I know what I need to do.
Church: Seriously, what the fuck is happening right now? Is there something in the water?
Caboose: Church...
Church, there's a lot of things I never got to say... I know I won't get another chance,
to say them, so:
I think you're cool. Like, you're super awesome, amazing cool.
I, I always felt like really awesome, too, when we were... Hanging out together.
You know?
I never really felt sad...
When you died because-
Church: What do you mean when I died?
Caboose: Shh, shh, sh.
I never felt sad when you died
Because I couldn't imagine a world without you.
But I know it's real.
I... I know...
And I'm sad.
Things... Things really are okay without you.
But I now know with my other friends
Who, even if you add them all up together...
...aren't really as cool as you. I know we're all gonna be okay. I know we're all gonna be okay.
I know we're all gonna be okay.
Go back to heaven now, Church, and say hello to Loco when you get there.
He was all right too.
Chruch: All right, which one of you asshats wants to tell me...
what the fuck's going on, right now...?
Sarge: What in the name of Patton's great ghost was that!?
Simmons: I don't know if we're gonna be around long enough to parse together a theory!
Dylan: We're out of time! We need to do something...
Tucker: Like what? Shoot it?
Jax: Oh! No, we need a sacrifice!
Dylan: Shut up, Jax.
Jax: No, listen. That's how this always works! One of us needs to heroically sacrifice themselves...
while giving an emotional monologue.
Sarge: Dammit, he's right! Dylan: What?
Tucker: Sarge!
Sarge: Who's willing to lay down their life to save everyone else...?
Grif: Not it!
Simmons: Not it!
Tucker: No one needs to make a heroic sacrifice!
Vic: Yo yo yo! Did I just hear the words heroic sacrifice?
Tucker: Oh, God damn it!
Dylan: Vic!
Vic, I know it's a long shot, but it appears this machine has some computer systems.
Can you try to ac-..?
Vic: Ya ya ya! And this is... wish number... uh... uh...
Dylan: Wish number three. The last one. Now go!
Vic: Oh boy! Hey guys! Hey dude! I've never seen a system like this one before!
Dylan: Can you stop it? Vic: No way!
No way! But maybe I can stabilize it! I'll give it a try!
Duderino!
Dudes! Dudettes, and duderoons! If you're hearing this message, that's because I can't get to the phone right now.
It also means I had to erase my cabeza to save the day for all y'all.
You're welcome! Your old buddy Vic only has one more thing to say to you dudes...
Yep! There are so many stories where some brave hero steps up and goes and gives their lives to save the day... And because of it,
The good guys win, the survivors all cheer hooray! And everybody lives happily ever after.
Except for Vic! Oh yeah. I'm out of here!
Leave a message after the beep, compadres! But I won't check it, because I'm in the eternal infinity!
This is...
V-I-C-K, signing off!
And if anybody backed me up, I will punch you in the nuts.
Tucker: Did he do it? Dylan: He did something...
Donut: Wahooww! Vic tickles!
Grif: Does someone wanna explain what the fuck just happened?
Tucker: We, ah... We won! I think...
This is for Wash... You piece of shit.
Carolina: Tucker, stop.
Tucker: Oh, come on! Now you show up?
Carolina: Don't kill him.
Temple: I think she makes a great point, Tucker.
Tucker: But he deserves it more than anyone!
He's a killer!
Carolina: And so are we.
But we're a different sort, Tucker.
We only fight, and take lives when we have to...
And you don't have to this time.
Temple: Yeah, Tucker.
If you kill me, you'll just perpetuate this never-ending
cycle of revenge and retaliation...
My friends will avenge me!
Tucker: What friends?
Temple: I... Uh...
No no no no! Don't, please!
Tucker: Dickhead.
Andersmith: Did somebody call for backup? Palomo: Oh...
We didn't miss the party, did we?
Tucker: Hey! Look who finally showed up.
Grif: Just in time to mop up another one of our messes.
Sister: Big bro? Is that you!?
Dex?
Grif: Oh, hell...
What are you doing here?
Sister: I've was on Chorus for business when these weirdos got your call.
They let me tag along!
Grif: Business! Oh, God, do I need to confiscate your webcams again?
Sister: Bitch, shut up and hug me.
Jensen: Oh! You'll be happy to know Dr. Grey has Washington alive and recovering!
Carolina: Oh, that's music.
Tucker: Oh, thank Christ.
Palomo: Oh, he asked us to deliver an important message to you all.
But then he just sang the Duck Tales theme song and fell back asleep.
~Awoo-ooh~
Andersmith: President Kimball has questions about his delivery to Chorus. Apparently, no one at DD
General can figure out how he ended up at the hospital in the first place.
Simmons: That's a long story-
Uh, maybe don't worry her with it right now.
Dylan: But I have a feeling her relationship with the UNSC will get a little easier after we file the final story.
Simmons: How about Vic, huh?
Sarge: Amen. The least we owe our fallen comrade here is a moment
of respectful silence.
Sarge: Anyway, who's hungry?
Simmons: I'm peckish. I could eat.
Tucker: I could go for some grub.
Grif: I could eat a horse!
Carolina: With you, I'm worried that's not a figure of speech.
Grif: That's a figure of speech?
Simmons: What the fuck is wrong with you?!
Grif: Whatever. Are we done here? 'Cause I've got some volleyballs to spike in this fucking volcano.
Dylan: Job well done, Jax.
Nothing left to do but post this bad boy.
Jax: And read all the comment threads.
Dylan: Any idea what you'll do when the dust settles?
Back to film school?
Jax: Oh, I don't know. Gotta say, this whole thing did give me a wicked idea for a movie.
Dylan: Send me the script when it's done will ya? I'd love to check it out.
Jax: Of course!
Dylan: And, uh...good job, partner.
Jax: Dylan, you know I'll never forget this right?
I mean PTSD is forever isn't it?
Dylan: Hi, Carlos. guess who?
Carlos: Dylan Andrews. That's who.
I'm so excited. How are you?
Dylan: I'm well!
How are you?
Carlos: Well after you stole my ship and went missing with my nephew,
I did have somewhat of a breakdown, but I'm fine now! The doctors
have me on horse tranquilizers, and I feel like a fluffy soft load of laundry.
*Giggles*
Please, please Dylan enough about me. How are you doing?
Dylan: Great! The assignment's all finished.
Carlos: That's wonderful news!
I never doubted you for a single solitary second! Tell me,
Dylan, how's my nephew?
Dylan: He's good. His bullet wounds are healing nicely.
Carlos: Bullet? Did-did you- did you say his wounds?
Wounds as in p-p-plural?
Dylan: Yeah, multiple gunshot wounds. He's in much better shape than your ship though. This thing is totaled!
Carlos: My ship is totaled.
My shiiiiiiiiiiiia-
Doesn't matter. It does not matter. You know what really matters? That story. Did you get the story?
Dylan: Yes, but it'll have to wait.
Someone is finally returning my call.
Carlos: I'M NOT WAITING!
Grumpy McBossypants: DON'T YOU DARE HANG UP ON ME, ALRIGHT?
I'M NOT ABOVE PUTTING A CONTRACT OUT ON YOUR STINKING, FILTHY, PENCIL-HEADED LITTLE LIFE, DYLAN!!!
Dylan (Channeling Vic): Yo dude!
Take a chill pill. I don't have the bandwidth for the full feat,
but I can at least send you the wrap-up while I take this.
Grumpy McBossypants: YOU LISTEN TO ME! I'M TALKING-
*denied*
Dylan: Hi James!
Dylan (V.O.) When I first described the Reds and Blues, I called them heroes.
That may have been premature.
What I've come to understand after spending time with them is they're more than that.
They're stupid, and arrogant, and lazy, and selfish, and stubborn, none of the qualities any
reasonable person would call heroic.
What the Reds and Blues have taught me is that,
it's not the sum of your parts that makes you who you are.
It's not what you're endowed with, not intelligence or strength, but what you hold on to throughout the hardest trials of life.
These people have shown me that real heroes are not born, they're forged.
A friend told me once that there's no faith that what you make,
and I think he's right. What makes a hero is their ability to choose light over darkness.
To walk through fire and not be burned. To fall from great heights and not be broken.
To be changed and reborn and be better for it, again and again. It's who you become when you lose someone close,
when the world stops making sense when you're thrust into responsibility that you never asked for.
That's what makes a hero, and that's what makes the Reds and Blues some of the greatest our universe has ever seen.
This has been Dylan Andrews.
Interstellar Daily.
TIME FOR LE CREDITS
Guard: Mealtime!
Something special for you guys.
Temple: Let me guess...
*fish*
...awesome... *dead inside*
Jax: ...and then temple says, 'Revenge is a dish best served frozen.'
and he freezes them in there right their armor!
Interviewer: All right, all right! Skip to the end now. How's it all wrap up?
Jax: Well, you'll just have to read the script to find out!
All 311 pages!
Interviewer: Hard to believe this all really happened!
Jax: That's all true! Every single word! ...for the most part. I took some dramatic license with the movie references.
Oh, just a few plot points here and there, but that's the gist of it,
you know? The gist of it! More or less.
Interviewer: Well our studio hasn't made an original movie in a few hundred years,
but we might be interested. You shopping this around at all?
Jax: Listen Pete, I got offers all over tinseltown for this spec, but if you're looking for something else
I could tell you about a little movie, called Moon Doom.
(Prep thine ears, dear audience!)
(Ah...That's more like it.)
♫ Roses are red... ♫
♫ ...and violets are blue. ♫
♫ One day we'll cruise down Blood Gulch avenue. ♫
♫ It's Red vs. Red. ♫
♫ And Blue vs. Blue. ♫
♫ It's I against I and me against you... ♫
♫ Violets are blue... ♫
♫ Roses are red... ♫
♫ Living like this, we were already dead. ♫
HEY!
YOU THREW OFF MY GROOVE!
Church: What the actual fuck? All right, well, I'm just gonna try to forget that ever happened and never bring it up again.