-If you have been
following the news recently...
[ Laughter ]
you may have read that Delta
is going to start giving free Wi-Fi to its passengers
and hearing things like this,
hearing things like free Wi-Fi on Delta,
I guess sometimes it just gets me to thinking, you know,
I am getting older.
There's no easy way to say it.
And sometimes I look around and, well,
I don't even recognize the world I'm living in.
[ Laughter ]
Things are changing every day.
[ Laughter ]
And not always for the better.
And sometimes, well, I apologize,
but sometimes I think it's time to take a moment
to talk about how things were just a bit more simple
back in my day.
[ Cheering and applause ] [ Poignant tune plays ]
♪♪
[ Southern accent ] Back in my day, Delta wasn't giving people free Wi-Fi.
Why, it used to be, if you wanted Wi-Fi,
you'd have to book a ticket on Southwest.
Then you wait for the flight to get canceled
and you'd go home and have all the Wi-Fi you needed.
[ Laughter and applause ]
And you could use it to Google stuff like,
"Why does Southwest hate me?"
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day, New Jersey wasn't increasing
its minimum wage to $14.13 an hour.
No, sir!
Back in my day, if you wanted to make $14 in Jersey,
you went down to Atlantic City
and sold a bottle of water on the boardwalk.
[ Laughter ]
And someone would say, "You know,
Walgreen's sells these for 99 cents,"
and you'd say, "Well, then go there,
you too-tanned, jacked-up bastard."
[ Laughter ]
And then he'd throw you in the sea, Jersey-style.
[ Laughter ]
And, oh, oh, yeah, the seagulls would laugh at you.
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day,
New York City didn't have a rat czar.
Jiminy Whiskers!
Back in my day, we had a rat mayor
and his name was Rudy Giuliani.
[ Laughter and applause ]
You-u-u dirty rat!
[ Oohs ]
Back in my day,
Bill Cosby wasn't planning
a comeback comedy tour.
Puddin' pops!
[ Laughter ] Why, back in my day,
if Cosby was planning something, you'd best BYOB.
[ Laughter ]
Hopefully, this time, it'll only be his jokes
putting people to sleep.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Lot of Cosby fans here.
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day, there was no "Avatar" movie
making gobs of money in theaters.
-[ Barks ]
-There was?
-[ Barks ] -I saw it?
-[ Barking ] -Twice?!
-[ Barks ] -And I loved it?!
So weird. I have no memory of any of that.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, you know what? I guess I do remember one thing.
Hey, Rusty,
where do Avatars go shopping
for affordable back to school clothing?
-[ Barks ]
-Old Na'vi.
[ Laughter ] -[ Growls ]
-You love it!
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day, a social media influencer named the Liver King
wasn't publicly admitting that he used steroids.
No, back then, we all just kind of knew
that guy was on steroids.
[ Laughter ] I mean, take a look at him.
He looks like if Bear Grylls ate Mark McGwire.
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day, Twitter wasn't adding
number of views to tweets. No, sir.
Back in my day, if you wanted to know
how many people saw your tweet, you had to call them up and ask.
[ Laughter ] Hello, Shoemaker?
Just curious if you caught that banger I had
about Old Na'vi.
[ Laughter ]
You did? Because I couldn't help notice
you didn't click, like, or retweet.
[ Laughter ]
Well, alright.
Once again, your approval is unobtainium.
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day, politicians like George Santos
weren't lying about being Jewish.
Back then, You would lie and claim you weren't Jewish
and that's how you got into show business.
[ Laughter ]
Rusty here is Jewish. Aren't you, buddy?
-[ Barking ]
-Oh, you did so have a bris.
[ Laughter and awws ]
Did it myself.
[ Laughter ]
Rusty, tell them what your real name is.
-David Rusbaum.
[ Laughter ] -Back in my day --
Back in my day, Pope Benedict wasn't dead.
No, he just looked like he was dead.
[ Laughter ] But that's the Pope style.
That's how you know you got a good one.
[ Laughter ]
They're so old, you think, "That's the new one?!"
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day, we didn't have
artificially intelligent apps, like ChatGPT.
Back in my day, if you wanted nonsensical, incorrect answers,
you had to ask the collective brain trust
over on Yahoo! Answers.
[ Laughter ] You'd input a simple question,
like, "How many calories in a glass of piss?"
And everyone in the replies would jump down your throat,
calling you a disgusting sicko.
But you weren't asking because you were going to drink it.
You were just asking to ask, you know, out of curiosity.
[ Laughter ] It wasn't even you asking, actually, it was your friend.
-[ Barks ]
-The friend was on a diet!
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day, Prince Harry wasn't breaking his silence
with a bombshell book about the royal family.
Fiddlesticks.
Back in my day, Prince Harry was breaking his silence
with an Oprah interview and then he broke his silence
with a multi-part Netflix documentary
and, the other day, he broke his silence on "60 Minutes."
[ Laughter ] In fact, as far back as anyone can remember,
Prince Harry has been out there, somewhere, breaking his silence
[ Laughter ] and I personally wish him the best.
I hope he continues to live a long, healthy life
with his wife, Meghan, living in privacy,
except to come out and break their silence
[ Laughter ] one or two times a month until the end of time.
Hey, it's their silence.
What do I care if they break it?
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day,
Jonathan, the world's oldest tortoise,
wasn't turning 190 years old.
He was turning 189 and his kids were waiting for him to die.
"We want that shell, old man!"
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day, Deion Sanders wasn't taking the job
as the head coach at the University of Colorado.
His name was Deion "Prime Time" Sanders,
not Deion "Mountain Standard Time" Sanders.
[ Laughter ] -[ Growling ]
[ Howling ]
Little late with that howl, Rusty.
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day, there wasn't a movie coming out
called "Cocaine Bear."
Sugars! Booger sugar!
[ Laughter and applause ]
We all make mistakes, Rusty.
[ Laughter ]
There wasn't a movie coming out called "Cocaine Bear."
Booger sugar! Back in my day,
if you wanted to see a bear on cocaine,
you went up to the Bronx Zoo and you gave it to him yourself.
[ Laughter ]
But, sure enough, some elephant would enter the bear enclosure
and try to get in on the party and you'd be like,
"Not with that nose, buddy.
I'm trying to make this last." [ Laughter ]
But then he didn't just mope around in the corner,
making little, quiet trumpet noises,
until you were like, "Fine, you can join in."
And then at the end of the night,
after he'd hoovered basically the whole bag,
you'd be like, "Hey, man, you mind chipping in for this?"
And he'd be like, "Oh, yeah, totally.
Can I Venmo you later?
I left my wallet back at the pachyderm house."
And you'd say, "Uh, sure, that's fine."
But he doesn't Venmo you... [ Laughter ]
...even though you have an easy to remember Venmo name --
SethLikesCocaine.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
They say an elephant never forgets,
but I guess that does not extend
to who paid for the party favors.
[ Laughing ] Well, I'm sorry, everybody,
but sometimes this grumpy old grumps
has got to get to griping.
[ Laughter ]
That's good piss.
[ Laughter and applause ]
This has been "Back in My Day."
[ Cheering and applause ] We'll be right back with Tom Hanks.